Can you teach someone?

[Funionfusion]

Hi,

Can you teach someone to be in a relationship? If so how?

I (27) ask purely because im confused. I have been dating a guy (35) for 8ish months, feelings and the stages we are at are clearly progressing. However my partner often openly states, mainly during disagreements, that this is his first proper relationship and he doesn't know how to be in one. Since a teenager he's just had one night stands or flings/fwb.

Incase the context of disagreements are relevent: they mainly consist of him still acting like he's single, wanting to go out drinking all the time (the timings are quite unreasonable-9/10am), making decisions on the down low then announcing them and expecting me to adapt around them, recognition and response to feelings and situations are also very minimal. For example, There was an incident that happened a few weeks ago involving an assault and his reaction was pretty bizarre.

He also keeps asking me for permission for or to state im okay with everything he does, which is annoying but is making me really uncomfortable because I feel he is trying to make me "control" him in a sense. He also then has a strop if for example, I do state I'm not okay with him going out drinking from 9am until he can't walk on a Tuesday.

Is it possible to actually teach someone to be a boyfriend? Or is this another bizarre reverse control tactic?

The first thing you need to address is that he's an alcoholic. And you would be hugely unwise to get involved. Get out while you can. I know that's not what you want to hear-but hear it.

Your gut isn't wrong, it's screaming at you to listen to it - you feel uneasy about his drinking, you've posted on here and you've recognised that your IDVA has valid points when it comes to this man's red flags.

It's not that your gut is wrong, it's just you haven't yet learned to really listen to it and, crucially, behave accordingly. In this case by ending the relationship.

You've had a really tough time and it's very common for children who have alcoholic carers / parents / grandparents to become adults who have relationships with alcoholics or problem drinkers, because it's normalised and familiar behaviour rather than being as shocking as it might be to other people.

You need to end the relationship, continue working on yourself and be proud of yourself for ending it before you got in any deeper

It can take time for red flags to come to light so I'd say you're doing well to realise this guy is not a keeper. Someone else might have continued to put up with this so give yourself a pat on the back for noticing the problems with this guy and asking for advice.

You can't change another person and if your are needing to explain basic relationship skills you need to run asap.

Check out the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find And Keep Love'. It is an excellent read!

https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/