Dh can only be in the present

[Ohdostopwafflinggeremy]

Realised that dh can only talk about things that are present. His ability to talk/discuss/plan for the future is almost zero. Things like vacations, what to do while the kids are off school for weeks now, house/garden renovations, retirement etc. I don't mean making definite plans just chatting about things in the future.
He doesn't have any stories about his past either. Talking to the kids and relaying stories about my childhood/teenage years, dh doesn't seem to be able to join in.
He can only really talk about his job, and manages to bring his job into most other subjects too.
Is it just mine?
I think he has always been this way, just starting to notice, after 25 years! (maybe I'm just a bit slow on the uptake 🙄)

Mary "Nutty" on Gogglebox declared that men share an inability to think ahead. Giles "Nutty" agreed.

😂Obviously not just me then.

This is so relatable ..lol. My DP thinks only in the present as well. Like his short term memory is shot most times. I’ll ask him something that happened almost an hour ago and he’s forgotten already.

It’s probably attributed to age. He’s 57 so. But this post sounded somewhat familiar..😊

Have you asked him about it?

I wonder if he is even aware, and if he can choose to engage in those conversations.

I do think planning takes mental effort and it can be easy to just defer, but then sometimes you have to sit down and do it.

I do ALL the planning for EVERYTHING so he doesn't have any mental effort EVER. Just a little imput or thought now and again would be nice though 🙄

So tedious isn't it? Having to coordinate kids , plans, even household maintenance with no helpful input from your DH can make you so resentful. Unlikely that his work is so important and interesting . Made kicking out STBX easier as I was going it alone anyway for years.

but that is exactly what I mean by have you asked him about it?
Is he aware of it?
If you challenged him, and then said - we need to sit down and plan summer holiday. What would the response be?

Planning takes effort, and he is opting out, so does he know/acknowledge that he is doing it?

I'm abit like this. Planning ahead or talking about the future feels me with anxiety and overwhelms me. I can't even think about a holiday let alone plan one 🤦🏻‍♀️ it's Wednesday and I couldn't even make plans for this upcoming weekend. I prefer to live in the moment and be spontaneous.

He might have developed a neurological condition. Your description of him sound a lot like a person with dementia.

"What do you think about...... X,Y or Z" usually always gets a " Oh, I don't mind, whatever you/ you & kids want to do is fine by me"
If I waited for him to plan anything we wouldn't go anywhere.

What about responding to that with 'I fancy not planning this one. Can you do it, please?'

but there is a million miles between - what do you think about?
and
dh, I end up planning everything and it is pissing me off. I need you to work with me to think through and plan what we are doing this summer. So tonight after dinner, we are going to sit down and plan.
Tv off, piece of paper etc.
Begin with - please don't say 'I don't mind' because what that actually means is 'I am too lazy to do this and wnat you to do all the work' and I'm not doing that any more.
If we are a team, then we need to be a team.

A fishing trip or a camping trip then😫

????

How do you get from - we need to talk about this and plan it together to
Fishing and camping?

dh - come up with suggestions that whole family will like

Can he manage to look ahead and plan for work and his hobbies?

in other words he can do it, he’s choosing not to do it for his family?

If he can’t do it, he should pick up more of what he can do to balance the load.

Because that's what dh thinks we would all like to do. We have never done either of these but dh is convinced we just need to try them. During the conversation someone will suggest something else. Dh's work is done. 😊

Assuming there's no ADHD/ASD or similar, this is 'end of nose thinking'.

My partner will say "let's go to the beach today", but won't have taken into account that one of the children's swimming stuff is at their other parents house, someone has a dentist appointment and there's people coming over for dinner (which still needs to be shopped and cooked for).

End of nose thinking.

Does he have an internal dialogue? Its fastenating to me that some people don't.

End of nose thinking is a brilliant analogy. Yes dh does this. Fishing was suggested as something to do during the summer holidays. Next day the fishing poles were in the car ready to go🙄
When we are going anywhere dh will get himself organised and literally stand at the door. Never checks the other doors are locked, if the dog has water etc.🙄

Jesus this would drive me mad. He does it because he gets away with it. It sounds lazy and self and tbh a bit stupid. Does he have trouble planning things at work?

I have the opposite problem, DH loves to dive deep into past life stories and ask ‘what are we doing this weekend / this summer / once we retire?’. I’m a little perimenopausal and mainly trying to survive today.

I'm presently sat with a huge piece of paper plotting out the summer, childcare, activities, holiday clubs, visiting relatives etc. I've asked DH for input and just states everything will be fine and work itself out. He genuinely thinks it will. That we'll just wake up every day and wing it.

If I didn't love the dc so much I'd let him crack on, we'd all have a shit summer and it would be terrible. But that'd be the only way he'd get to learn.

This! I had this with my now ex, everything from holidays to what to have for tea was met with "I'm easy" or "whatever you want"! It was exhausting and played a big part in my leaving him, he just had no imagination for anything

If it were left to my DH, we would never go anywhere, do anything, or eat anything except cheese sandwiches.

This.... Totally sympathise 😩