How much do you let DP get away with being a moody bastard if he's under considerable stress?

[GottleOfGeer]

I’ve NC for this because I’m actually quite embarrassed to be writing it.

DP’s under a lot of stress with work. I’m not sure how much context to provide here because I don’t want to be accused of drip-feeding.

So, the short version is that DP’s building a business on top of his actual day-job. The business doesn’t take too much additional time so he’s not really working longer hours. But it does involve a lot of stress, some really big decisions and people management.

Sometimes this all gets on top of him and he’ll get a bit moody, snappy, and impatient with me. This might happen once every 10-days/fortnight for a day or two. Before you ask, I’ve talked to him. He’s apologetic but says that stuff with the business overwhelms him sometimes.

He usually knows when he’s doing it and apologises during or immediately after he’s being/been a dick. I am fine with that – it’s what we usually do when one of us is crabby. And I’m very understanding about the stress of the business.
But, I’m struggling to reconcile my own feelings. I’m not a doormat and I’m not willing to be treated like one just because DP is bringing in additional money. But I also recognise that he is bringing in extra money and does have extra stress which will lead to a more comfortable life in future for both of us.

Has anyone else had this (not this exact situation, obviously)? How do you deal with it? Where’s your limit? How do you reconcile your consideration of his stress (letting him be a bit moody when necessary) with your own self-respect (not being treated like doormat)?

Please be gentle with me, I’m really ashamed typing this out and not sure I’ve articulated myself properly.

It would depend on what being snappy and moody actually is, OP.

I'm under a lot of pressure with my own business right now, and it's occupying almost all of my waking (and sleeping!) thoughts. This happens a couple of times a year and my DH understands it.

I'm not very chatty, I'm not as up for a silly joke as I usually am, and I'm distracted.

I'm not an arse though. I'm polite and considerate.

How is your DP behaving?

My DH is currently working incredibly hard building a business which could benefit us greatly and is already very good. The most I have to complain about it that he is totally peopled out at the end of the day and I had to remind him that I need some attention too, not just his staff.
A bit stressy, fine. Moody and snappy, totally not fine

I don't let him 'get away' with anything.

Once every 10 days / fortnight for a couple of days sounds a lot.

Firstly, of course no one is perfect. I get stressed but I recognise it and try to take myself off if I feel a bit ratty.

If one of us is being unacceptably ratty it will inevitably end in an argument started by the person who says 'you're being a bit of an arsehole'. Then it's all fine and the lesson is (usually!) remembered for the next time one of us feels ratty.

Tbh my partner is often under a lot of stress due to work but he is usually happy at home because that is is happy place.

I am sorry he is being like this. Next time he does it I would say it's not on, and if you're going to be like that go and be like that by yourself. Kind of how you'd treat a toddler :)

Thanks everyone.

How is your DP behaving?
Tough one to describe. Kind of distracted like you describe. It's hard to describe specific behaviours as such. More just him being a bit impatient and snappy.

Next time he does it I would say it's not on, and if you're going to be like that go and be like that by yourself. Kind of how you'd treat a toddler :)
I do this, but I find it hard if we're doing something together. Or if I say "You're being really short with me", he'll say "No I'm not". Then I'll say "Yes you are" and then it's a whole thing which I CBA with.

DH has a very demanding high-profile CEO job (can’t be more specific without being outing, but the organisation is in the media a lot, and he gets a lot of public scrutiny etc). He’s under considerable pressure all the time. I’m sympathetic, but don’t let him away with any lapses. I have a demanding job of my own and don’t take it out on him. Yours needs to practice better work/family mental hygiene and self-care. You’re not his whipping boy.

The fact that he at least apologises and acknowledges it would make e more willing to accommodate it, but only up to a point. I can be a bit like this when I'm stressed with my business and the point DH and I have reached is that I don't get to be rude/unpleasant/crabby BUT if I know I'm struggling or busy, it is okay for me to absent myself and not feel guilty if I'm not there to make dinner or have to get DH to step up more. Because a lot of my crabbiness was that - it was that sense that I'm running a business that pays the majority of our bills and sometimes that's stressful but I felt I didn't have the right to say, "okay, I can't do this family thing or this chore".

Which was mostly in my head. DH totally understands when I need to work longer or more becuase of whatever reason.

I have a stressful job and I realised quite early on that I had to learn to manage my stress as it wasn’t fair on those around me. It doesn’t always work and every so often DH will say to me I’m being snappy and I pull myself back in but mostly I’m self aware and if I know I’m in a bad mood or stressy I’ll say to DH that I feel that way and I’m going to take a bit of time to myself once kids are in bed as I don’t want to end up taking it out on him.
Recently DH has been having a stressful time and after letting it go for a while I said that he needed to work out how to manage his stress as it wasn’t fair on the rest of us and there wasn’t another option. Obviously it doesn’t happen overnight but I was clear that this wasn’t how I was going to live.

I have basically zero tolerance for being snapped at or used as a punching bag when someone else is stressed.

If my husband is going through a stressful period, which he has been lately, he tends to do ok as long as he can have a little more alone time than usual. I'm happy with that and let him get on with it as long as he's still doing his bit about the house, he does the same for me if I'm stressed. We don't take it out on eachother, neither of us has much tolerance for it.

How do you feel a doormat, if he apologises? Is it because of him claiming he's not being snappy (and thus not apologising?), or is it because you feel like you can't complain when he is snappy because you should be grateful, so you're not always complaining?

Maybe I'm an irritable person myself but I don't think getting a bit impatient/snappy because of work stress and then apologising for it is the same as treating you like a doormat. That doesn't sound like he's taking anything out on you, just reacting to stress in a normal way. I've been on the giving and receiving end of it and don't consider it a big deal.

However something important that DP and I have worked out over the years is how to give the other person what they need, if they're under stress. If something is going on I'll ask if he wants to vent or to chat or to just be left alone. And if I need any of those things I'll tell him. Impatient snapping happens when you feel you have to deal with something you don't want to, on top of what's already stressing you out - such as your partner being in silly joke mode, or having to smile and laugh at a social gathering. A lot of the time something as simple as being left alone to gather your thoughts and decompress goes along way to avoiding getting to that point.

@gannett you said everything I was going to say brilliantly.

Is it just a tone of voice? Or will he say something like “oh fuck off” if you ask him something for example? Being a bit short and snippy is okay occasionally if it’s noted and apologised for. But I wouldn’t stand for any kind of abusive language etc.

Op I have just written a very similar thread. However our stress is more related to a baby who never sleeps and a shit load of home renovations/cash flow issues.

My dh gets very snappy, impatient and downright aggressive at times. Not physically but he can swear and shout which I hate. When he's pulled up on it he gets defensive.

Like you I'm able to recognise that he is a good man behaving badly under stress and this isn't the same as him just being a bad man. However how much of it I'm willing to put up with I'm not sure. It's not pleasant to live with that's for sure.

Watching this thread with interest and sending solidarity.

Maybe "doormat" wasn't the best phrasing. When I said I'm not a doormat, I meant: I'm not meek, I'm dependent on DP, I don't take bullshit <especially not from men>. I meant I'm not a quiet little woman shouldering the majority of domestic work and willing to make lots of concessions because her DP is the bigger earner.
But what I meant was that I can see that I am engaging in some of these doormat-like behaviours.

Yes, he does apologise most of the time. But, before an apology, he often gets defensive if I say "You're being grumpy" and the conversations spirals into a stupid spat. But if I don't say anything then he just gets away with being grumpy, snappy and moody at me which I'm not willing to tolerate.

I think "doormat" wasn't quite the right phrase!

In some ways I agree its not a big deal because its just a normal reaction to stress. But its one-way - DP's stress affecting the way he treats me but its very rarely the other way around.
I also didn't mean the thread to be about a huge issue in my relationship just something I've noticed that I wanted others' perspectives on. I mean, I wasn't starting a thread because its a big deal IYSWIM.

I totally agree about communicating but DP doesn't always recognise when he's stressed and then when that turns into him being a bit snappy. If I say to him "You're being really short with me", he'll say I'm not. Later, he may actually recognise that he was. But in that moment, I can't ask him what he needs because he'd say "Nothing, I'm fine" even though I know he's not.

Not abusive at all. It's tone of voice and facial expressions.

I'm struggling to think of an example of course! But if I'm talking about something inconsequential (because he's asked me about it), I can tell he's willing me to hurry up and finish what I'm saying.

Sorry but the better for worse bit? This is the worse bit. Everybody goes through stressful periods when they're not their best. You support each other through these times by being extra accommodating. Would he do it for you if you were being arsey whilst working and building an extra business on top? if he would then reciprocate and don't take it personally, sometimes you just can't be all things to all people all at once. If he wouldn't then maybe he's not the best life partner for you.

I'm so sorry to read this. I wouldn't put up with DP being aggressive but I understand that its not always easy to put a stop to things.

I really hope things work out for you. Sending solidarity back your way.

I know exactly what you mean. DH does a super stressful job which involves talking all day- he's retiring in exactly 3 years so sticking it out. He does not swear or yell. But occasionally, if I talk about something inconsequential " Look there's a ginger cat outside" he seems a bit short. I think he has got used to having very terse and to the point communication.

I also think men are far less digressive than women. I maunder on quite a lot.

When he is in this kind of mood, I just go out with friends or to my book club, where I can rattle on about cats...

Thank you, that's a really helpful way to think about it.

My concern is that this isn't a 'stressful period' and is actually a long-ish term thing as the business grows. The hope is to sell the business one day but that might be in 5 or 10 years time. So the 'stressful period' might be a considerably long one!

The irritating this is when DP asks me about something inconsequential, then gets impatient when I proceed to talk about the inconsequential thing 😅

I want to hang out with you and talk about cats and books!

For a while I have been thinking that men in general have very transactional communication. If you get what I mean. Especially men who manage a lot of people.

When we are on holiday, DH is quite different. Roll on retirement!

@GeriKellmansUpdo The irony is that DP loves a good moan, a good gossip, a good meandering chat about nothing very much. So I don't necessarily think its that his communication is very transactional. It's just that he's mentally distracted and finds me tiresome (well, I perceive that he finds me tiresome) when I talk about stuff.

I totally get what you mean. Totally.

I WFH in a non-peoply role and sometimes I can talk too much at the end of the day. Not just Dh, but even my DS has told me that. My mum, on the other hand, loves my chattiness and says she's so glad to have daughters.:)

How about going out in the evening on your own for a bit of exercise or a swim or a club of some sort? I do that often. Give him some space.

Running your own business is very stressful, sadly. Not that that means you should be a punching bag.

DH runs his own business. I work there too.

He knows that I'm not his emotional punchbag. I have to really reinforce that though, and it's very draining at times.