How much do you let DP get away with being a moody bastard if he's under considerable stress?

[GottleOfGeer]

I’ve NC for this because I’m actually quite embarrassed to be writing it.

DP’s under a lot of stress with work. I’m not sure how much context to provide here because I don’t want to be accused of drip-feeding.

So, the short version is that DP’s building a business on top of his actual day-job. The business doesn’t take too much additional time so he’s not really working longer hours. But it does involve a lot of stress, some really big decisions and people management.

Sometimes this all gets on top of him and he’ll get a bit moody, snappy, and impatient with me. This might happen once every 10-days/fortnight for a day or two. Before you ask, I’ve talked to him. He’s apologetic but says that stuff with the business overwhelms him sometimes.

He usually knows when he’s doing it and apologises during or immediately after he’s being/been a dick. I am fine with that – it’s what we usually do when one of us is crabby. And I’m very understanding about the stress of the business.
But, I’m struggling to reconcile my own feelings. I’m not a doormat and I’m not willing to be treated like one just because DP is bringing in additional money. But I also recognise that he is bringing in extra money and does have extra stress which will lead to a more comfortable life in future for both of us.

Has anyone else had this (not this exact situation, obviously)? How do you deal with it? Where’s your limit? How do you reconcile your consideration of his stress (letting him be a bit moody when necessary) with your own self-respect (not being treated like doormat)?

Please be gentle with me, I’m really ashamed typing this out and not sure I’ve articulated myself properly.

DH was awful for quite a few months in 2022. He was under pressure at work. Talked to me nastily all the time, snapped, criticised, shouted at me, woke me up while I was sleeping to shout at me.
It was awful, I was miserable and didn’t know what to do / whether to leave. I kept trying to reconnect and find out what needed doing for him to get on track. He realised he had mental health issues and got signed off from work. He had 3 months off and started a new job and he’s back to the man I used to know (almost!!). It’s so hard to know when you are done.

Even now it’s always at the back of my mind he could turn back in the grumpy nasty man he was last year.

The irritating this is when DP asks me about something inconsequential, then gets impatient when I proceed to talk about the inconsequential thing.

This is just so familiar. Sometimes DP does exactly this- asks me what our common friends are doing with their lives- and then says "Get to the point." I call him out on it though. I am not his junior in an office setting and I don't need to come to the point in a minute. Usually, he apologises.

I'm out a couple of nights a week so absolutely have my own time and space. And can leave him to it if he's in a mard.

My dh is sometimes clearly in a mood and I just leave him to it; any little chat or joke I was planning is left until later. He’s not rude to me
though, he’s not unkind, just distracted because work is being annoying. Don’t take it personally and ignore it/him

Yes, he does apologise most of the time. But, before an apology, he often gets defensive if I say "You're being grumpy" and the conversations spirals into a stupid spat. But if I don't say anything then he just gets away with being grumpy, snappy and moody at me which I'm not willing to tolerate.
How about if you tried saying "Oh dear, you sound stressed", "Are you OK? You don't seem yourself", "Work getting you down? You don't normally get riled up that easily"?
Is there a particular pattern to it - a certain day or time of day, or when he's done a certain thing? If you can work out when it is he's being shitty then perhaps you could bring that up when you're both more relaxed, and try to avoid the situation or agree on how to avoid the arguments.