Don't know what to do anymore

Owlgirl1987 · 2023-06-06T10:36:10+00:00

I found out 3 months ago that my husband has been having an affair with his friends partner for 3 years. I am absolutely broken. I haven't kicked him out as I couldn't see him without a roof over his head and we have a 9 year old son. We have both started individual counselling. I would like us to try and make ago of things andat least give it a chance to try and make things work, my husband says he's not sure as he doesn't know if we.can rebuild trust and both move on from what's happened. I really don't know what to do, I dont know if marriage counselling would work or what is the best way forward with this.? Any help from anyone who has been in this position will be great. Thankyou

Robotik · 06/06/2023 11:38

YOU want to give it a go and HE (the one who had the affair) isn’t sure?? I feel like you don’t deserve him. I know it’s hard though.

flipent · 06/06/2023 11:38

If he's the one saying he doesn't think the trust can be rebuilt, it seems to me that he wants a way out and isn't interested in saving the relationship.

gardenweed · 06/06/2023 11:38

Three years is a long time to have deceived you for. I expect you have a hundred and one questions in your head. What reason does he give for having deceived you in this way?

BIWI · 06/06/2023 11:38

Your husband doesn't know if he can rebuild trust?! WTAF? What about you?

Unless he's really serious about committing to you, and ending the affair, I don't see the point of any counselling.

A three-year affair is a serious thing for you to forgive/overlook - or even move on from.

Personally I'd be quite happy to see your 'D'H homeless.

Greycloudlooming · 06/06/2023 11:39

If your husband has cheated and isn’t trying to move heaven and earth for your forgiveness, then it’s time to call it a day.
Be happy with your son and one day I’m sure you’ll meet someone who actually deserves you.
I am sorry. You didn’t deserve this.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 06/06/2023 11:39

He's the one who for 3 years has been lying and cheating.
The wish to give things a go has to come from him.

The fact that he's not bothered says everything.

As hard as this is, you need to hear it. Your relationship is over. He killed it.

Specso · 06/06/2023 11:42

He’s been having an affair for 3 years!!

and he’s not sure about your relationship and expressing doubt it can be saved.

I mean this kindly, please do not waste your one life bending over backwards to try and make it work with this man.

Whatever happens, however much effort and energy you put in he’ll leave eventually when it suits him and he won’t care how much of your time he has wasted or how it leaves you emotionally.

Pixiedust1234 · 06/06/2023 11:48

If your cheating husband says the trust can't be rebuilt then that means he doesn't want to remain married. What he wants is a roof over his head, meals provided, a cleaner, with possibly a bit of sex under the guise of trying to fix it.

Sorry but I think it's over.

GiveOverRover · 06/06/2023 11:53

He's been shagging his friends partner for three years, you've found out and he's not sure if he wants to put in the effort with you to rebuild your trust?

Marriage counselling is hard work and effort and will only help if both parties are commited fully to the process. It's not a magic wand.

I think it's over. Don't let him string you along, be brave and do what you need to do.

Softoprider · 06/06/2023 11:53

Oh dear Op I am assuming you have only recently found out by the way you have posted. Perhaps when you have had time to think really hard about the family time he has stolen from you and your son and the lies he must have been an expert at telling you then you will slowly come to realise that this rat should not be in your house for a moment longer.
He has in effect stolen three years of your life which has been a lie. You will not get those three years back, but you can start to make a claim on the rest of your life which is not his to take from you.
Fuck the counselling it's gone way beyond that

Neverinamonthofsundays · 06/06/2023 12:03

Kick that prick out ffs. HE doesn't know if the trust can be rebuilt and he the one that fucked it up. What a horrible man. Send him off to his affair partner, pick yourself up and find a man that deserves you.

Frogger8395 · 06/06/2023 12:06

Kick that prick out ffs.

This. He wants out op. He’s totally checked out. Best thing to do is to accept it. End it on your terms with some dignity.

Wallywobbles · 06/06/2023 12:18

Does his friend know? I'd be sharing this info with them and asking DH to live elsewhere while you get your shit together.

If you can find someone good to help negotiate the divorce then that's good. But as for the rest you can't fix the marriage he broke unless he's committed. And he isn't.

Seaoftroubles · 06/06/2023 12:22

Three years is a long time to lie, cheat and deceive. I imagine he was also still sleeping with you during that time so on a practical note l hope you've had an STI check.To be honest O.P if he has said he's not sure he can move on from whats happened then your marriage is over.
He should be bending over backwards to prove his willingness to commit to rebuilding your relationship and restoring your trust in him. No amount of counselling will work if he isnt prepared to do the work required. You have been far too understanding, he needs to move out whilst you have counselling for yourself.

gardenweed · 06/06/2023 12:24

Yes, an affair of three years would likely have progressed to unprotected sex.

BreviloquentBastard · 06/06/2023 12:26

Three years is a whole ass other relationship. To fix this HE would need to be deeply contrite and be the absolute driving force behind any work, counselling or therapy undertaken to try and repair the marriage. And even then it'd be a slim chance.

Given that it sounds like he can't really be bothered, I would suggest you find your self respect and kick the prick out. He can go live with his girlfriend of three years.

Gettingbysomehow · 06/06/2023 12:26

Honestly OP you're a bit soft. Id kick him out he should have thought about the roof over his head when he was putting his dick in his friends partner. His friend can't be overjoyed either.

Weatherwax13 · 06/06/2023 12:33

Come on, love. He's been shagging someone else for three whole years. He's only staying in the house with you for the convenience of not having to find another.
Please fgs read your post back to yourself and think what you'd advise another woman putting up with this crap.

Ladybug14 · 06/06/2023 12:35

It's such a terrible situation for you, OP, but he doesn't want you. He's not even pretending that he wants you. Please find the strength to move on and away from this horrible man

RandomRandomness · 06/06/2023 12:52

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. It sounds to me as though you’re in the denial stage of grief. Get ready though, because the anger will come at some point.

I think you need to kick him out and let him experience the full consequences of his actions. Let him see if the grass is really greener. If you read enough threads on here, and speaking from experience, he will most likely want to come back in a few months, particularly at the point where he senses you’re moving on.

If you make this easy for him, he will do it again. You will be stuck with this heart break and feel in limbo. At least if you separate, you have a chance to draw a line and move on. Who knows, maybe you’ll realise you don’t need or want him anyway if this is how he treats his family and friends.

GreyCarpet · 06/06/2023 12:53

Weatherwax13 · 06/06/2023 12:33

Come on, love. He's been shagging someone else for three whole years. He's only staying in the house with you for the convenience of not having to find another.
Please fgs read your post back to yourself and think what you'd advise another woman putting up with this crap.

I'm afraid I agree with this and all the other replies.

He isn't interested in repairing your relationship. It's his friend's partner. How is that going to work going forwards?

Does her partner know?

piedbeauty · 06/06/2023 14:42

Why do you want your h back? He has deceived you for THREE YEARS!

Do you feel you can get over that betrayal?

Sounds like your h isn't sure about getting back together.

I'd explore this in counselling asap.

You deserve more.

Rainbowsandfairies · 06/06/2023 15:52

You must be hurting so much. I think ( deep down)you know what to do . Your child and you deserve so much better than this 'man'. He hasn't had the guts to leave you. Instead, he slept with his friend's partner for 3 years!! Please believe me when I say you'll feel so much better once you leave him! You deserve a much better partner/ life than this.
Take care xx

Original poster

Owlgirl1987 · 06/06/2023 22:01

Yes her partner knows, it was him that found out and confronted my husband. His friend kicked the woman out.
I have been tested for STIs, even though he said they only slept together twice and used protection. All the tests are clear.
I know you all say to kick him out, my family also say the same, but at the same time my family are having ago at me that i haven't made a decision of what way we are going, and my brother said if I carry on as I am then I will loose my family and my mum says hearing me upset most days is making her ill.

Me and my husband have been together for 17 years, not always plain sailing, but whose relationship is !!!

I feel so confused right now as he has apologised for what has happened and said he wishes it never happened and tells me I am an amazing wife and mum.

I hate the thought of not having him in my life as my husband as i do love him and care about him and want to really make ago of things.
I have said that maybe we could try and make ago of things by having a fresh start and doing counselling and properly talking about everything and give it a set amount of time, and then after this time it isant where we wanted to be and isn't working then we would need to separate.

I'm just so confused about seeing it from both sides of what would happen if we split and what would happen if we stayed together.

I didnt know if anyone had been in this situation and stayed together and how it worked out and what did you do to make it work.

Also if anyone had been to marriage counselling before and how they found it.

OP posts:

ToBeOrNotToBee · 06/06/2023 22:07

Owlgirl1987 · 06/06/2023 22:01

Yes her partner knows, it was him that found out and confronted my husband. His friend kicked the woman out.
I have been tested for STIs, even though he said they only slept together twice and used protection. All the tests are clear.
I know you all say to kick him out, my family also say the same, but at the same time my family are having ago at me that i haven't made a decision of what way we are going, and my brother said if I carry on as I am then I will loose my family and my mum says hearing me upset most days is making her ill.

Me and my husband have been together for 17 years, not always plain sailing, but whose relationship is !!!

I feel so confused right now as he has apologised for what has happened and said he wishes it never happened and tells me I am an amazing wife and mum.

I hate the thought of not having him in my life as my husband as i do love him and care about him and want to really make ago of things.
I have said that maybe we could try and make ago of things by having a fresh start and doing counselling and properly talking about everything and give it a set amount of time, and then after this time it isant where we wanted to be and isn't working then we would need to separate.

I'm just so confused about seeing it from both sides of what would happen if we split and what would happen if we stayed together.

I didnt know if anyone had been in this situation and stayed together and how it worked out and what did you do to make it work.

Also if anyone had been to marriage counselling before and how they found it.

So this has been going on for some years but they've only had sex twice.

Bullshit!