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Original poster

Unsure he's interested but I'm going to find out. Advice please...

78 replies

aurynne · 06/06/2023 11:14

I am submitting myself to the wisdom of Mumsnet...

Some months ago I met this guy by pure chance doing a multi-day hike in an area far from where I live. For 4 days we chatted and found out we had lots in common. Really enjoyed his company, and then we went our own ways. We kept in touch with occasional messages.

A month later he was passing through the same place I was temporarily staying for work and we organised another meeting. We spent hours talking, ended up having dinner at a Mexican restaurant and talking and laughing until they closed. I started realising I quite liked him.

Since then he has settled in another town (it was always his intention), managed to find a rental and invited me to come visit anytime. Our messages and chats on the phone have become more frequent and I can't get him out of my mind. Friends of mine say he must fancy me if we communicate so often and he's invited me to stay at his... but our conversations are just as friends, we laugh a lot, but there is never anything romantic said, and my few attempts at clumsy flirting have been met with radio silence or a change in subject. For instance, one of the times he told me he was looking forward to me coming to visit, I replied: "Me too, I have only met you twice but I somehow find myself missing you". No reply for 1 hour. Then his next message was about something he was cooking. ARGH!

Through getting to know him I have found out he is very shy, and he would never had started a conversation with me (an unknown female) unless I had started it. I know he is not gay, and that he has had at least one previous partner he lived with (female). Apart from being in the dark about whether he fancies me, I have not seen any red flags about his character. He seems to be a genuinely good guy, speaks respectfully about his ex partner and seems to be well over her, has a good job, he has similar values to me, he has had his share of tragedy bin his life and I really admire how he has overcome it, he makes me laugh out loud all the time...

I have finally got the guts to organise a visit and I will be coming to see him later this week for 5 days. He has told me several times how excited he is that I am coming to see him and has made lots of plans to do together. Still, all very friendly, not a hint of anything else. I have decided that I need to find out whether he is interested but just shy, or if he is just not interested and only sees me as a friend. So if he doesn't do or say anything, I will have to. I just can't keep fantasising about him like an idiot but with no indication whether or not this is reciprocated. If he likes me, I want to know. And if he doesn't, I want to know too so i can move on and stop obsessing about him.

I know you guys can't read his mind and tell me whether or not he is interested, but I would really love to hear similar stories and how they ended up... especially how you chose to break it out to a shy guy that you fancy them, and whether you ended up together or with a massive dose of disappointment. I am not a shy woman, however I am used to a bit more initiative in guys and his lack of hints is making me doubt myself! Argh!

Whatever the outcome, I promise I will come back to the thread and let you know what happened (or did not happen).

Ideas please! Opinions! Reproaches! Head-wobbles! Whatever but please help me keep my cool until I'm there, and then help me a bit more to know what to do!

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 06/06/2023 11:21

Coming to see him for 5 days - are you going to be living with him? I don't think you need any advice here. You'll soon know if he's interested or not.

Original poster
aurynne · 06/06/2023 11:26

I'll be staying at his place while I'm there, yep, in a guest room (unless things go extraordinarily well , that is Grin). I don't "need" advice but it would be nice to hear of similar situations, I have never dated a shy guy and my signature moves to guess if he likes me don't seem to be working (as in he gives no clue either way).

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 06/06/2023 11:42

OK. I prescribe alcohol. My advice would get yourselves drunk. That would break down his inhibitions and show if he's really interested.

HomeB · 06/06/2023 11:45

Or he'll have a serious case of the ohmygods in the morning 🤣

Original poster
aurynne · 06/06/2023 12:03

#GladAllOver neither of us are drinkers. I may have the occasional beer, or glass of wine, but I've never got drunk. He drinks even less. To be honest, if anything happens I'd rather we are both sober so I'm sure we both really wanted it. But thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 06/06/2023 12:10

Hmm. I think you'll just have to play it by ear then. But get some nice new underwear.
Good luck, and come back to tell us how it went.

hugefanofcheese · 06/06/2023 19:33

I think just remember he has made a relationship happen before so he does know how all this works. If you're getting mixed messages or friends only behaviour then don't let your imagination get out of hand. Play it by ear but I hope it goes well either as friends or more!

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 06/06/2023 19:37

Just ask him then at least you know either way.

WrigglyDonCat · 06/06/2023 22:12

You could be describing me (but don't worry, you're definitely not and your secret is safe... I hope and think I would remember some keen woman I'd met on a hike coming to visit me for five days 😀). I've always found it really hard to respond to flirty hints because I've always hated to think that I might come across as yet another pervy and inappropriate man. I'd rather miss out on a dead cert than that (and indeed with the wisdom and hindsight of advancing age, I did on a number of occasions).

I would bet my Don cat (who no-one can have as he's all mine) that he's keen. But I'd reckon he's also nervous of ruining everything by saying or doing the wrong thing.

I can't remember the exact words, but my late wife pretty much said something like "Are we going to do something about us or what?" when she'd had enough of me not sealing the deal.

So my, admittedly XY chromosomal advice, is just make it really obvious physically and/or verbally what you are after. I'm pretty sure you won't be disappointed.

dudsville · 06/06/2023 22:23

My husband once famously said, at the end of a lovely day we'd spent together as friends, "at the risk of making things awkward..." . Truthfully I'd kept it friend zoned until then as i wasn't ready, but when he pushed it gently i realised i was. So pick your wording, something gentle that allows you to move forward regardless of the answer.

coloursquare · 06/06/2023 22:31

Hmmm. I'm sorry OP, but I think you're in the friend zone.

Beach11 · 06/06/2023 22:38

Good luck op

LumpySpaceCow · 06/06/2023 22:42

Without knowing him or you, I have high hopes that he's into you but not very confident and a bit awkward.
I fancied my DH for ages before we got together and I had to ask him out - the chemistry was always there but he said he just assumed I was in a relationship but never bothered checking! See how your next visit goes and please come back to the thread!!

Skinnybluebody · 06/06/2023 22:56

Aww I love this!! I so hope it goes the way you want. Either way, have a wonderful time ❤️

RelentlessForwardProgress · 06/06/2023 23:17

I hope things pan out as you want them to, but is it perhaps worth having a back up plan just in case they don't....staying with someone you don't know that well for 5 days is kind of a risk. If it was awkward, could you stay somewhere else, or go home earlier? Don't leave yourself with no options, just in case

rosiebl · 06/06/2023 23:22

I once was very good friends for a long time with a very shy man. I just assumed I was in the friend zone and happily appreciated him as a friend who I happened to find attractive. I'm afraid I ended up (bolstered by a few glasses of wine at a mutual friends wedding) laying it on pretty thick with some bold compliments about his physique that made my feelings about him clear. He was desperately embarrassed and struggled with accepting it. Funnily enough nothing happened that evening. I told him the next day that I meant every word and wasn't drunk and the door was open. We dated for a few years and bought an house together.

TheWebWeWeave · 06/06/2023 23:37

You would know by now, usually if a man likes a woman he will let her know without a shadow of doubt, shy or not and as women we are very receptive, we are good at picking up on these things.
From what you've said he clearly sees you as a good platonic friend. You've given him enough chances to make his feelings known and he hasn't followed up.

Original poster
aurynne · 06/06/2023 23:42

Thanks so much for the kind words. The average of the comments describes exactly how confused I feel.

@WrigglyDonCat thanks so much for the male perspective here. I am so hoping he is similar to you in that sense! I have the full intention of making my feelings known because I do need an answer, even if it's only to stop wondering.

@RelentlessForwardProgress even if he wanted to be only friends I would still enjoy the visit, we spent 4 days hiking together when we met and we never run out of things to talk about on the phone. He is a great friend. I would rather have just his friendship than nothing. I don't think it would get awkward, but yes, I have a couple of other friends in the area I could go to, or I could get a motel for myself, that would not be a problem. Still I would certainly hope we could behave as adults even after discussing an awkward subject. I personally would feel honoured if a friend told me he had feelings for me even if they were not reciprocated, and I wouldn't want him out of my house if he had come to visit!

Flying out tomorrow, I am getting my stuff ready. Really looking forward to seeing him again to start with, and to do some hiking together. My plan is to let things just go with the flow, and if there's no hint of anything by the weekend, I will need to make my move.

OP posts:
Original poster
aurynne · 06/06/2023 23:47

TheWebWeWeave · 06/06/2023 23:37

You would know by now, usually if a man likes a woman he will let her know without a shadow of doubt, shy or not and as women we are very receptive, we are good at picking up on these things.
From what you've said he clearly sees you as a good platonic friend. You've given him enough chances to make his feelings known and he hasn't followed up.

The thing is, with most men you do know when they are keen, you're right, it is quite obvious. This one I suspect is on the spectrum (as am I, we are both massive nerds) on top of being shy, and this makes it harder to figure out. I am fully prepared for disappointment if there is nothing, but I am also hopeful because of how keen he is to see me and how much communication there is... every time one of us phones, we end up talking for 2 hours.

Being realistic, I think I have a 50:50 chance.

OP posts:
MaudGonneOutForChips · 06/06/2023 23:50

I once made a move on a friend I found very attractive, having thought he was consciously playing it cool in the interests of avoiding awkwardness. Turned out I had never occurred to him in that light until I kissed him, after which I did.

Good luck, OP.

Paperbagsaremine · 07/06/2023 01:04

See how it goes, OP. Good luck...

I just asked DH if anything would have happened if I hadn't asked him out.
"Probably not!" he said, "but I'm very glad you did".

In general, and perhaps hypocritically, I think it's helpful if men make the first move, as it's women who literally get left holding the baby when they change their mind - helps eliminate the 2% who aren't all that into you, but are too feeble to say so until you've got 2 kids and have been a SAHM for four years :/

Worked out very well for me though! I feel like I bagged a bargain ;)

Didimum · 07/06/2023 07:57

I am here for this thread. Please update! I want a play by play! And I really hope it works out.

ninjafoodienovice · 07/06/2023 08:04

I expect he's just shy and a bit awkward and is extremely fearful of putting a foot wrong. Hopefully things will flow naturally but you may need to gently question him if nothing happens. I really hope you have a good time and your feelings are reciprocated

OneFrenchEgg · 07/06/2023 08:10

Being nosy, are you not in the uk? Some of the terms are unusual for here (rental, motel) not that it matters just curious. I think five days is a long stay with someone you hardly know, think I'd probably broach the subject away from the house? So you aren't sat there awkwardly and can move on to the next bit of the day?

gannett · 07/06/2023 08:16

TheWebWeWeave · 06/06/2023 23:37

You would know by now, usually if a man likes a woman he will let her know without a shadow of doubt, shy or not and as women we are very receptive, we are good at picking up on these things.
From what you've said he clearly sees you as a good platonic friend. You've given him enough chances to make his feelings known and he hasn't followed up.

This isn't true. I've known way too many shy men and/or men who fear being labelled a creep or a perv.

No idea if the OP's friend is interested but she's right that if she doesn't make the first move she'll never know - good luck OP!

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