Did you feel less lonely after separation?

[Likeabrokenrecord]

My marriage to DH is effectively over, but I haven't summoned up the courage to have the conversation. He is content to keep sticking his head in the sand. We barely speak except about practicalities and the kids.

I am just so so lonely and I think borderline depressed, but I wonder if I am kidding myself that I will feel less lonely if we split? It's not as if I'll automatically have lots of fun, caring people suddenly arrive in my life to keep me company.

Or did people find that their spirits lifted after a separation, and the relief of not having to put on the front that 'everything is fine' meant that even if you were more physically alone, you felt less lonely, if that makes sense?

Have the conversation. You need to sit down and talk it out. Either make it work or leave the kids will sense and feel and know its not right. Why be miserable in a relationship better to be miserable alone. But for me when I left yes I still grieved it was over for a short while but the sense of relief and being able to get on properly with life far out weighed that. I spent 3 years alone with son just having fun and chilling then met my now hubby and am beyond happy again and now have 3 more kids.

Thank you, yes I need to have the conversation. I don't want to make it work. He could stand on his head to please me and I'd still not want to be with him.

But I guess I'm trying to unpick whether this feeling of loneliness and disconnection is common for people in dead relationships, or whether there is something fundamentally wrong with me. (either way, I still want to separate, I'm just trying to brace myself for this feeling not lifting)

Maybe once you have spoken to him about it, you might feel a bit of a sense of relief.
I doubt there is anything fundamentally wrong with you. You deserve to be happy and content. Is there no fun in your life then? and what about caring people?

One hundred percent my spirits lifted. I went from feeling like I was living at the bottom of a ravine with no way out, to literally dancing in the kitchen for no reason. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with you, I've never felt more lonely or alone than when I was married to my ex husband.

Yes. I was able to come off the antidepressants that I had been on for 6 years within a year (mid covid!) and just felt easier and lighter in myself. It was hard of course especially dealing with the fallout for the kids and that part is still hard, but I never regretted separating for one minute.

No but I often hear people saying they do but for me no but that’s because I’m with the kids 24/7 he won’t have them so I have no social life.

@GiveOverRover "Living at the bottom of a ravine" yes, that is exactly how I feel.

On the surface I have a very nice life, but sometimes I feel like I can hardly breathe because of the sheer misery of being married to someone who, if we didn't have kids, I would leave without a moment's regret. It's like the weight of the world is pressing down on me.

In answering your question, yes it is far less lonely being alone than alone on n a relationship.

I've never felt so alone than with a partner who didn't see me or care to spend time with me.

I'm 18mths single and alone doesn't mean lonely. I love living by myself, I do have my 10yo son here 50/50 but the time he is at his dads is not a struggle for me, I use it to do things I enjoy, gym, coffee with a friend, recharge in front of Netflix.

I actually can't often imagine needing another person living here, and I say that as someone who had a 14 year relationship followed by another six year relationship. I hadn't been single since I was 23, am now 42.

It was because I had kids that I left. They saw me save myself, and that felt important. They didn't spend years watching me miserable, didn't get a shitty example of what a relationship should look like, and they understand and always have done why I did it as I've been open with the.

Life is short, there are zero prizes for martyring yourself on the children's behalf, and if you asked them at 20 what would they rather you'd have done, what would they say? Sit in the shit, or give them a good example of what we do when we find ourselves sitting in the shit?

It's not easy, but nor is it you that's broken.

I have experienced loneliness, yes. But being lonely alone is far easier to handle than being lonely in a marriage. Even in my down moments, the relief was still there that I was lonely on my own instead.

@Likeabrokenrecord I do know in my first marriage when at the point you are - the big difference was being separated meant I could actually do something about the loneliness without having to consider someone's else's views or negative comments and usually then doing nothing as it wasn't worth the aggro- as my time was my own to use without negotiating. That made a big difference.

The responses here have given me a hopeful feeling, thank you.

I want that lightness in my soul, just dancing in the kitchen for no reason as someone said, that I honestly haven't had since I met him.

The kids and I went out to a cafe without him at the weekend. It was the happiest I've felt in a long time. Later that day he made a comment about what he planned to do to the house when the kids go to uni and it's just 'us on our own'. I wanted to run away screaming.

Then run away screaming OP. You're allowed. Nobody is going to knock on the door and tell you you've suffered enough and you can now leave and be happy. One short life on this earth, it's gone in the blink of an eye. Go towards the joy!

I agree with PPs. We just separated but going to see if living apart works for us. I think being lonely alone is a happier lonely than going go bed alone wondering why your DH doesn't want to sleep with you. I just redecorated and reclaimed my house (he moved out) and I am just enjoying the peace. Being in the same room as someone you don't talk to is the loneliest I have ever been. Yes I am sad this has ended but I am enjoying my independence for the right reasons now x

I agree with PPs - there's no worse loneliness than that of being in an unhappy relationship (in my case abusive) and not being able to see a way through.

When my marriage did end, as hard as it was (3 v small DC, nightmare ex, money problems), I felt free and such a relief.

However, I'd caution against this feeling I want that lightness in my soul, just dancing in the kitchen for no reason

I mean, I'd love that too. And perhaps it's possible - it's not a given.

I'm lonely now in a different way. I'm really busy, with kids & work, know lots of people but have had a decade of hell at the hands of my ex, and court proceedings continue. I have no-one (bar my counsellor) to discuss this with. I've had many low points. The DC are with me, so no social life (I'm ok with this, overall).

I still wouldn't trade situations and being in an unhappy relationship is desperate, but it may not be magically wonderful afterwards either.

I’m a lot less lonely now married nearly 15 years together 20. Split 8 months ago I kept saying to my mum how lonely I was for a long time before we split.
I don’t feel that way anymore, I had bad anxiety too which I was on medication for that has totally gone now.
it’s difficult but if you know how unhappy you are, you need to separate. Good luck.

Or did people find that their spirits lifted after a separation, and the relief of not having to put on the front that 'everything is fine' meant that even if you were more physically alone, you felt less lonely, if that makes sense?
I felt less lonely, but not for this reason.
For me, it was lonelier being with someone that I was not talking to. Constantly reminded that I shouldn't feel alone, but did. Knowing that it was supposed to be a loving relationship, but was not.
Being actually on my own is totally different. I'm not lonely. If I'm pissed off, I can go for a walk, read a book, watch TV, try to make new friends, listen to music, paint a picture or stuff myself with chocolate and bawl my eyes out - all without the looming, judgy presence of someone who doesn't care about me.
Your dh doesn't sound as bad as my ex though.

My mother always said she didn’t feel lonely after my dad left because she was no longer waiting for him. She felt responsible and in control of her situation, so the issue of being stuck in an environment brought down by someone else was no longer applicable. As a child I can’t tell you the difference it made from having a miserable mother on anti depressants to a mother who was happy and confident. Please do this for your children.

He could stand on his head to please me and I'd still not want to be with him.
Do you mean that your dh is trying to be normal, and you're the one pulling back, not wanting to go to bed with him and so on? If so, perhaps you'd also be doing him a favour, not just you - though he may have his head in the sand and not appreciate that.

@80s Yes, in a way - DH is trying to be normal, and it is me who doesn't want to play along. But that is because I no longer love or like him, because of his behaviour. So I will be doing him a favour in the long run by separating, but he absolutely refuses to face the truth so will not see it that way.

@EarringsandLipstick I appreciate your note of caution, and I am very conscious that my life will be difficult when we split - practically he will fight me for the house, the kids, the finances, and I am sort of braced for that. I think I'm just hoping that this sense of despair and isolation will ease, to counterbalance that stress.

I'd rather be in a room on my own than be in a room with him.

Gosh @Likeabrokenrecord I was wondering what led up to this but seeing your last post has shed a bit more light on it.

I'd rather be in a room on my own than be in a room with him.

Completely get this.

The first 6 months or so where I wasn't dreading the sound of his key in the front door felt amazing.

(Year 2 that novelty had kind of worn off, tbh, and things were a lot harder)

But yes, when you've reached that level of unhappiness, splitting up, despite the challenges ahead, is worth it.

Best of luck 💐

I'm lonely, but there are other reasons for that beyond my ex. What I don't have now is lots of little rejections every day. The sighing, the smug facial expressions, the feeling like I'm annoying him for just wanting to talk to him, being spoken to like I'm the mum or a disrespectful teenage boy or a doormat, the thing he paid attention to when he was broed or done with everything else, being shut out from his thoughts. That was lonely and sad.

DH is trying to be normal, and it is me who doesn't want to play along. But that is because I no longer love or like him, because of his behaviour. So I will be doing him a favour in the long run by separating, but he absolutely refuses to face the truth so will not see it that way.
Even husbands who agree that the marriage is toxic can be crappy about the divorce. Let him see it how he likes. It's part of letting go. If you want to end it, you need to be concentrating on practical aspects such as speaking to professionals about finances, the house, who has the kids, maintenance and so on. Save your energy for that.

My youngest was 14 when we broke up so I was able to go out in the evenings and meet friends etc. without help. My ex would not have had them, so that was important. But you say that your husband would want to have the kids too, so you'd get the chance to have a social life?

Thanks for all your responses.

Yes, he'd definitely want to see the kids a lot, more than I would like them to be away from me. At least, he'll want them lots until he meets someone else. So I would have time for socialising.

I think part of the reason I am so isolated and lonely is I have put up a wall so no one can see the misery of my marriage (though I am sure more perceptive people see it) It would a relief in a way to finally admit the truth to people, even if they are not particularly supportive.

The truth is I am scared, and am looking for excuses like "maybe I'll feel even lonelier" to avoid having the marriage-ending conversation. Not because I don't want to end it, but because I'm terrified of what comes next. He will certainly make it as crappy as he can.