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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Own goal ? Or should I be proud of myself ?

27 replies

AnyaMarx · 05/06/2023 21:52

So - I've been single for 4 years and 6 months ago I gave up seeking a relationship. I'm very happy as I am - I've felt happier accepting my lot and not looking for a relationship, sex or a partner . I've got some health issues under investigation currently too. It's become less important tho I've never ruled out a future relationship. Im a social butterfly, like company, so I try not to think that's it for me and im on the shelf !

I've thrown myself into hobbies, friends etc. and im happy .

I'm 51 .

A couple of months ago a friend and ex colleague who I always had a bit of chemistry with contacted me to say his house was on the market , he and his wife were divorcing , would I like to meet up .

We did meet last week , had sex , (not great but ok for a first go ) went out for drinks , but he was tearful and I could see that it wasn't really what he wanted . I advised him to sit down and speak to his wife before things gathered too much momentum to reverse .

Well. He took my advice and contacted me today to say thanks , he had a great time , but he took my advice and they're giving it another go . He thanked me and said what a fabulous friend I am .

I dont feel used , and we wouldn't have dated properly - we embarked on a casual relationship and we were both fine with that .

Im just slightly - I don't know - not affronted , not offended , but feels bloody typical of me ! I've done myself out of company and sex because I had to say something! H was avoiding how unhappy it was making him but he kept getting really emotional when we talked about the split - I just knew it was hurting him and he didn't want the marriage to end .
I've joked to my friend I should start the magic marriage guidance. Company - sleep with me once and I'll save your marriage 😂 - im enough to send you running back to the comfort of your estranged spouse ! I wouldn't have gone anywhere near him if he hadn't told me the house was for sale , they were living in separate lounges, had separate bed rooms , etc .

Im alright with it - just a bit - sort of deflated ? This was the first human company I've had for a long time . And now - it's gone .

He wasnt playing me . He was trying to get out and I suspect get over the mrs by getting over someone else - but it was clearly not working and he seemed so sad I couldn't keep quiet .

So that's me on my lonesome again !

Bloody idiot 🙈

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 05/06/2023 21:59

You idiot!!!

Honestly, though you have been a really good friend to him and you got a shag out of it as well! And you never know, his marriage may not last, but he will always think of you fondly.

YoSof · 05/06/2023 21:59

No you should be proud!

You sensed something was off, addressed it and kept your head held high, that’s amazing.

And 51? You’re still young, there will be someone else in the future but until then keep living what sounds like a lovely life

holliebo · 05/06/2023 22:07

You sound absolutely lovely op!

It was also a lucky escape. Even if you hadn't said anything you'd have been starting out on a relationship (albeit a casual one) with someone who wasn't over their ex.

If you hadn't said anything he might not have contacted her but it wouldn't have changed his fundamental feelings towards her.

It would've been a disaster waiting to happen for you. Sounds like you've got great intuition and boundaries which is much better that getting tangled in a situationship and potentially feeling used/hurt down the line

AnyaMarx · 05/06/2023 22:16

Thank you

It was far too soon for him but I've also known him a long time and I could just sense his deep sadness over the split .
I said I lwouldnt nag him but he owed it to them both to sit down and have a proper conversation before it was too late .

So he did . 🤷🏻‍♀️. I'm happy for him actually and I just replied to say that and well done for actually doing it and not just pushing on with the divorce when it was so clearly not what he wanted .

Anyone need marriage guidance ? 😂

OP posts:
AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 01:58

he messaged tonight saying he wanted to see me again - cake and eat it scenario

Said no . Worth more than that . Not being a shag piece . Said he's made his choice . Talk to the wife and make a choice .

Why are all men just fucking knobs ?

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 11/06/2023 08:11

I'm afraid I think he was taking advantage of your evident good nature OP.

And this is why I'm avoiding men now, it all becomes a power struggle in the end.

Shoxfordian · 11/06/2023 08:38

He sounds like he’s trying to use you; not ok for him to be messaging about meeting up when he wants to go back to his wife. Bullet dodged op

Lottapianos · 11/06/2023 08:42

'he messaged tonight saying he wanted to see me again - cake and eat it scenario

Said no . Worth more than that . Not being a shag piece . Said he's made his choice . Talk to the wife and make a choice .'

Well, be very proud of how you handled that! What an arsehole. Ugh, that would put me off him forever, no matter what happens with his wife

WGACA · 11/06/2023 08:52

Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape! Mediocre sex and a man’s FWB. You are worth so much more than that. You said your life is happy as it is. Wait until a FWB who’s available and amazing in bed comes along.

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 11/06/2023 08:58

Are we going to be reading a post from the wife soon...."DH and I were splitting but we've decided go try again. But I've just found out he slept with a friend of his. What does it mean? I'm not sure I can get over it. But I love him. What should I do?"

OP I think you've handled it perfectly. Spot on. And when he came back for more, you were absolutely right to say no. No strings FWB is great, but he's angling for something else and hedging his bets, which is not on.

Your life sounds great. Keep being social. You may or may not meet someone but at least you'll never lose 'you' in the process.

Tadpolle · 11/06/2023 09:00

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 01:58

he messaged tonight saying he wanted to see me again - cake and eat it scenario

Said no . Worth more than that . Not being a shag piece . Said he's made his choice . Talk to the wife and make a choice .

Why are all men just fucking knobs ?

This thread was great until this!! Uughhh! What a dick.

OP you've been flawless. Good for you. At least you don't have to be sad to miss out on his company now.

unsync · 11/06/2023 12:14

Why are all men just fucking knobs ?

Literally and metaphorically! Can't be doing with them. Perhaps we should start a club? 😁

InBedBy10 · 11/06/2023 12:51

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 01:58

he messaged tonight saying he wanted to see me again - cake and eat it scenario

Said no . Worth more than that . Not being a shag piece . Said he's made his choice . Talk to the wife and make a choice .

Why are all men just fucking knobs ?

Sounds like that divorce will be going ahead sooner or later.

billy1966 · 11/06/2023 14:49

You are some woman, but he couldn't be decent, had to indulge his scummy side.

Poor wife wasting further time on a scuzball.

He wasn't tearful for long🙄.

You are really well rid.

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 20:39

The icing on the cake was a dick pic and the offer of his "sausage " if I change my mind .

Oh - I won't be changing my mind .

Seriously. 🤔

OP posts:
ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 11/06/2023 20:44

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 20:39

The icing on the cake was a dick pic and the offer of his "sausage " if I change my mind .

Oh - I won't be changing my mind .

Seriously. 🤔

Oh God, you're well rid!!

Lottapianos · 11/06/2023 20:45

'The icing on the cake was a dick pic and the offer of his "sausage " if I change my mind'

Oh dear god 🤦🏻‍♂️ well how can you resist?🤢

What a lucky escape you've had with this one!

billy1966 · 11/06/2023 20:48

Jesus but he is deluded🙄😁

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 11/06/2023 20:49

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 20:39

The icing on the cake was a dick pic and the offer of his "sausage " if I change my mind .

Oh - I won't be changing my mind .

Seriously. 🤔

I know I shouldn't laugh but for fuck sake!! What is wrong with people? 🤣

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 21:07

I laughed too!

And didnt reply !

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 11/06/2023 21:12

I mean, when will men realise that dick pics are not appealing in the slightest? You're only remotely interested in his dick if you fancy HIM, and this kind of sleazy behaviour is enough to put anyone off for life. Do they think their dicks are really that magical?!

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 21:20

And <whispers _> it's not that big .....

He's lost any appeal he had . He's a coward taking an easy option to stay with his wife while saying she doesn't sexually excite him and propositioning me for sex and on some level he must have thought he had a chance .....

Which is insulting. I said from the off - single - fine , fwb arrangement

Now he's not single . He said he wa te to remain comfortable (I presume that's financially)

I'd even suggested he we h the sex experiment on ch 4 and discuss an open relationship. He said "not for us" but clearly an illicit seedy shag behind her back is ?

Nah . I'm off him .

OP posts:
Muncha · 11/06/2023 22:26

Oh I started reading this thread with such hope

You're a lovely person and he's not.

His poor wife when she finds out he's a pillock.

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 22:46

You surely can't be with someone 20 years and NOT know their a pillock though surely ?

It's clear there are issues with the relationship but he's chosen to ignore them - for me while I was having the break up
Or stay chat I'd have raised all the issues but he clearly hasn't nd hurt thiught he could remain comfortable and still try and engage me for sex - no ta ! He sent the dock pic even after I said no . Like the sight of his rather average manhood would have me second guessing myself 😂😂. Oh dear . Bless .

I've deleted the conversation. He had no interest in the answer to his initial "how are you doing " question and just wanted to whip his dick out . Nope . Nope and nope . He said he would
Happily be my underwear consultant (I have a lovely selection of nice underwear for if there is ever a man in my life again 😂). It's consigned to the dress up box and probably will gather dust . That's preferable tbh .

OP posts:
AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 22:52

I'm off to pulse and cocktails with my friends soon and I'll choose less of a dick with more staying power 😂😂

OP posts:
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