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Original poster

What do you do for your dp?

38 replies

Velania65 · 04/06/2023 22:59

Hi everyone. My dp of 8 years said something to me this evening that has got me wondering.

during an argument (not that I was arguing back) he told me that I don’t do anything for him. Yesterday we had a big issue and today when he came home (despite the meal cooked on the side for him, I cook every day multiples times a day for him) he told me ‘you’ve never surprised me when I’ve come home from work and bought a takeaway for me’ he said it in a very rude manor looking for an argument.

this statement is true, although it’s because he’s extremely picky with what he eats/his health and doesn’t eat takeaway food often, it has to be ‘planned’ on a specific day etc (he’s very ocd) I also don’t have much money and he would’ve complained I had wasted money anyway if I had got a takeaway. This then lead into him telling me I don’t do anything for him.

we have 2 children together, who have only recently started full time school. I have been a sahm the entire time and raised them basically alone. Besides the everyday mom duties that I have to do, looking after the home and now having a part-time work from home job, I am constantly running around after him. I clean after him, multiple times a day (he hasn’t washed 1 dish in probably 2 years now) I cook for him multiple times a day, I support him emotionally - whatever he wants to talk about I’m there to listen even though I don’t get that in return. Anything he needs me to do, I do. Down to the simplest of little jobs that make his day easier for example, packing his lunch bag, refilling his drink bottles constantly, taking his rubbish to the bin for him etc etc. it may seem minor but he works a lot and I feel it’s the little actions that mean a lot. Any time he needs work written up, presentations made on the computer for his job etc I am the one that does it all!

he proceeded to tell me I don’t do anything for him, there’s basically nothing that he gets from me. He listed that I don’t do his washing (purely because he doesn’t let me touch any of his stuff), I don’t wash the towels (because hes ocd and believes I can’t wash towels properly so only he can), I don’t do the food shopping (because I don’t have money for it and it’s the only thing he has to pay for), I don’t fill his petrol in his car up (again - because I don’t have money to and I also don’t have the luxury of having my own car like he does, or even being able to share his car - im dragging the kids on busses everyday).

the list went on and it got me thinking - I know I don’t have the financial means to do much for him, spoil him etc, but regardless of money, what else do you offer for your partner? I know what I give to him emotionally and physically in terms of love and support NO other woman would give. He’s admittedly told me many times I’m rare and no other women in this day and age would do what I do. Now I’m questioning myself and feeling like I really don’t provide much in this relationship or have much to offer him?

what do you do for your dp? Is there more I could do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Velania65 · 04/06/2023 23:01

I must also add that I have been through all of his hard life stages with him in these past 8 years. Things that most people wouldn’t experience in their life time - I have supported him emotionally and physically through these things. In the past before he was able to work (when I was working before kids) I paid for his food shopping every week, paid for his hair cuts, paid for our dates etc went to his appointments and supported him. After having our kids and no childcare options I had to stay home so Ofcourse I have no money to offer at the moment

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 04/06/2023 23:14

He sounds like an abusive, gaslighting, arse. What does he do for you? My DP and I share the chores, enjoy private time together. I give him the occasional back rub, and he washes my car now and again (he has a pressure washer and uses every excuse in the book to use it frequently).

Seas164 · 04/06/2023 23:14

Is there more you could do? Well yes, you could run to fluff his cushion before he sits down, fetch his pipe and slippers, and newspaper and his favourite drink in his favourite glass the moment he walks through the door, make sure you're wearing lipstick and a neat ironed frock so you look pleasant for his arrival home from work... but it's not 1952 any more and you're not a domestic appliance.

Channellingsophistication · 04/06/2023 23:21

Well clearly you do loads for him…

Can you list out what he does for you???

Channellingsophistication · 04/06/2023 23:23

I’d get back to work asap you are very vulnerable without a job and not being married….

PousseyNotMoira · 04/06/2023 23:34

Jesus Christ, that was awful to read. What does he do for you?! Why do you want to be with this awful man?!

WuTangGran · 04/06/2023 23:35

You could leave him to it altogether.

SkunkAndNanci · 04/06/2023 23:38

Why don't you redo the patio?

Itsanotherhreatday · 04/06/2023 23:43

He sounds like an abusive, gaslighting, arse

Well considering you do nothing and aren’t appreciated - actually do nothing for him - don’t tidy up after him, don’t cook his dinner or do his computer work!

DH works full time on a large salary - he also does all the washing and sock sorting, hardening, bins and lifts, he manages for fill his own car with petrol and will go to the shop and walk the dog - he also cleans our bedroom and vaccums each week - he also makes me tea in bed every morning!

I work full time, and he give me money each month for shopping - I’ve just been away and he gave me £100 sub to ‘treat’ myself - he’s also sorted a holiday and paid for all of it.

In return I cook and clean, mop floors sort the kids - mostly - and keep the downstairs tidy etc - weekly shopping and arrange dentists doctors etc -

Get rid! He’s abusive.

Itsanotherhreatday · 04/06/2023 23:44

Why don't you redo the patio?

I have a spade …

AnOKYearForTheRoses · 04/06/2023 23:44

This isn’t normal, OP.

What’s your background like in terms of relationships?

PickAChew · 04/06/2023 23:50

You need to give him a taste of really doing nothing fir him, whether that's cooking, laundry or sex. When does he treat you to a takeaway?

greyhairnomore · 04/06/2023 23:51

Give him a list of exactly what you do every day.
Then stop doing it, he'll soon notice. How is he only paying for food ?

LunaTheCat · 04/06/2023 23:53

OP he is financially and emotionally abusing you ….. you have no access to any money of your own, you are doing all the domestic tasks, looking after the children. Please get some help.

mrsmacmc · 05/06/2023 00:08

Itsanotherhreatday · 04/06/2023 23:44

Why don't you redo the patio?

I have a spade …

I've got a small digger in our garden just now for garden project being done...happy to lend the keys to you OP!

In all seriousness he sounds like an absolute chauvinistic pig who needs to give his head a wobble!

S25 · 05/06/2023 00:25

That was awful to read, I’m so sad for you :( This is not normal behaviour. He sounds abusive. Is there anyway you could seek out some help/advice and you and the children leave? Or tell him he needs to leave? You do too much already by the sounds of it and asking what more you can do is actually heartbreaking

Surprise1WinnerWeekend · 05/06/2023 01:41

Does he ever look after the children on his own ?

Does he ever cook for everyone ?

It sounds like he does not appreciate you

Do you do anything fun outside the home singley or together ?

What do you both do for "love languages" ?

Surprise1WinnerWeekend · 05/06/2023 02:02

Actually I would get angry

There is something called a 7 year itch

What has made him say this to you ?

What has changed ?

What does he do for you ?

You may be better off on your own ?

westriveasone · 05/06/2023 03:17

I keep a clean household for my dp. He works away a lot. When he is away, I have everything perfected for him once he's back. We can natter about feminism until the horses come home, but my man knows he can be shielded by me.

The happiest of marriages, it hasn't been. It's worked for us, though, with the amount of loss he's gone through.

ExitChasedByAMemory · 05/06/2023 03:22

LunaTheCat · 04/06/2023 23:53

OP he is financially and emotionally abusing you ….. you have no access to any money of your own, you are doing all the domestic tasks, looking after the children. Please get some help.

I am also really concerned and I also agree with @LunaTheCat. It also seems like he doesn’t appreciate anything that you do do.

daisychain01 · 05/06/2023 03:32

The saddest thing is the fact you've listed out all his abusive unpleasant behaviour and somehow can't see for yourself that there's anything wrong in how he treats you. It goes without saying that you deserve better.

westriveasone · 05/06/2023 03:36

daisychain01 · 05/06/2023 03:32

The saddest thing is the fact you've listed out all his abusive unpleasant behaviour and somehow can't see for yourself that there's anything wrong in how he treats you. It goes without saying that you deserve better.

I wouldn't dramatise it in this manner. Don't you think OP has enough on her plate atm? Let her process it in her own time.

HAF1119 · 05/06/2023 03:44

I won't list what I do/don't do in our home, instead I would suggest you simply state 'you've said I do nothing for you and disregarded all the things I do for you, they will no longer be done seeing you have no appreciation for my efforts'

Then stick to it

Oblomov23 · 05/06/2023 05:20

So awful to read. What a twat.

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2023 05:25

He doesn’t appreciate you or any of the things you do so stop doing them all and leave him

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