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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you do for your dp?

38 replies

Velania65 · 04/06/2023 22:59

Hi everyone. My dp of 8 years said something to me this evening that has got me wondering.

during an argument (not that I was arguing back) he told me that I don’t do anything for him. Yesterday we had a big issue and today when he came home (despite the meal cooked on the side for him, I cook every day multiples times a day for him) he told me ‘you’ve never surprised me when I’ve come home from work and bought a takeaway for me’ he said it in a very rude manor looking for an argument.

this statement is true, although it’s because he’s extremely picky with what he eats/his health and doesn’t eat takeaway food often, it has to be ‘planned’ on a specific day etc (he’s very ocd) I also don’t have much money and he would’ve complained I had wasted money anyway if I had got a takeaway. This then lead into him telling me I don’t do anything for him.

we have 2 children together, who have only recently started full time school. I have been a sahm the entire time and raised them basically alone. Besides the everyday mom duties that I have to do, looking after the home and now having a part-time work from home job, I am constantly running around after him. I clean after him, multiple times a day (he hasn’t washed 1 dish in probably 2 years now) I cook for him multiple times a day, I support him emotionally - whatever he wants to talk about I’m there to listen even though I don’t get that in return. Anything he needs me to do, I do. Down to the simplest of little jobs that make his day easier for example, packing his lunch bag, refilling his drink bottles constantly, taking his rubbish to the bin for him etc etc. it may seem minor but he works a lot and I feel it’s the little actions that mean a lot. Any time he needs work written up, presentations made on the computer for his job etc I am the one that does it all!

he proceeded to tell me I don’t do anything for him, there’s basically nothing that he gets from me. He listed that I don’t do his washing (purely because he doesn’t let me touch any of his stuff), I don’t wash the towels (because hes ocd and believes I can’t wash towels properly so only he can), I don’t do the food shopping (because I don’t have money for it and it’s the only thing he has to pay for), I don’t fill his petrol in his car up (again - because I don’t have money to and I also don’t have the luxury of having my own car like he does, or even being able to share his car - im dragging the kids on busses everyday).

the list went on and it got me thinking - I know I don’t have the financial means to do much for him, spoil him etc, but regardless of money, what else do you offer for your partner? I know what I give to him emotionally and physically in terms of love and support NO other woman would give. He’s admittedly told me many times I’m rare and no other women in this day and age would do what I do. Now I’m questioning myself and feeling like I really don’t provide much in this relationship or have much to offer him?

what do you do for your dp? Is there more I could do?

OP posts:
Beanscene · 05/06/2023 08:04

You do more than enough!!! You don't need to do anything else accept have a long think whether you want to live the rest of your life with this man

Darby3785 · 05/06/2023 08:33

What don't you do for him OP? Honestly reading your post I just thought this is a grown man who can do all the things you have listed.

If my DH treated me this way, I'd walk! Sorry but like somebody else said you are not a domestic appliance and you are not there to serve him. A partnership is exactly that, you help each other. If I had one sniff of not being appreciated I would stop!

I do a lot for my DH but he works full time. I work 18 hours a week, some weeks I'll pick up more at work and end up working alot more and then my DH will up his game and do a lot more for me. He works hard to give us what we do have so we appreciate each other in different ways.

You need to think about what kind of life you are going to lead with this man if you don't try and stamp all this out!

Plottingspringescape · 05/06/2023 08:50

I don't do anywhere near as much for my DH as you do for yours, although I do work full time. I'd say DH does a lot for me, but he doesn't pick up after me like I'm a child, as no healthy adult should need that level of help from their partner. You need to try and find your anger at the way you are being treated. It is not good enough and you deserve better.

BreviloquentBastard · 05/06/2023 08:56

The reason NO other woman would love him and support him the way you do is because no other woman would want to! He sounds absolutely repugnant. Being the bang maid to a grouchy, manipulative, abusive, ungrateful waste of the gametes that made him is not something to be proud of my love. This relationship sounds appalling, and not a nice place to raise children.

DeflatedAgain · 05/06/2023 08:59

He's an arsehole. Can you list anything he does for you?

Lili132 · 05/06/2023 10:29

You're doing too much for him and unfortunately he's taking advantage of that and he stopped appreciating you.

You sound like a people pleaser, like you have to earn his love and always questioning yourself and as sad as it is he is he is taking advantage of that. He knows he can blame you and he will get what he want and hold himself as superior.

Of course you shouldn't fill his petrol or buy him takeaways. It's not about that at all. Rather then questioning if you do enough think about unhealthy dynamic in your relationship and why he has a need to put you down constantly.

Iwilldoitafter · 05/06/2023 10:54

Give him freedom!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/06/2023 15:39

Jesus. This is an awful read. Another complete prick of a husband…

LighthouseCat · 05/06/2023 15:52

This was so sad to read. I can relate in part because my DH also has OCD. It means there are things I don't do for him/round the house that I would be quite happy to do but if I try, he can't really cope (washing his things, cleaning kitchen etc). So instead he has to do these things and he does without moaning because he recognises that it isn't me shirking jobs. Your DP is being so unreasonable. You must feel very let down and sad by him comment. Would you be able to explain to him what you've said here? Would he listen? Is he in a particularly bad place mentally at the moment because what he's saying is ludicrous, unfair and unkind.

MistyFrequencies · 05/06/2023 15:53

Hes abusive. Leave him. Seriously.

WateryDoom · 05/06/2023 15:58

I would stop doing anything at all for him, and see if he notices the difference.

He's unpleasant and ungrateful.

Blueskies13 · 05/06/2023 16:53

You seem to be his parent. In your situation I would get myself a job and work on my independence. Have you thought about it the other way. What does he do for you?

ymemanresu · 05/06/2023 16:59

I think he means he wants more sex?

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