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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it my fault ?

47 replies

Laura687 · 04/06/2023 22:46

I live with my partner , we own a house together but we’ve started to argue a lot.
He accuses me of being secretive with my phone (I’m not) and says he doesn’t trust me. Im 100% loyal to him and would never even speak to another person romantically.
When he accuses me of things and we argue I get angry - I throw a few cushions or sometimes let out a little scream to get my frustration out.

My partner then calls me a psycho and throws out a few insults even saying he’ll push me down the stairs. One time I said ‘you wouldn’t dare’ he then came down the stairs pushed me over , got on top of me and his hands round my throat. He says it’s my fault because I wound him up.

Is it my fault ? I only get angry because he accuses me of things and then when I say I haven’t done anything he says he doesn’t believe a word I say. Even though im angry I’ve never laid a hand on him first - not ever.

Im struggling to deal with how my partner can be so loving and then so nasty - why would he want to hurt me if he loves me?

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 04/06/2023 22:52

I have no experience of domestic abuse in my own relationship but he certainly seems to have a warped sense of loving you.
Cant you see that?
Your relationship seems dysfunctional and toxic.
I would say you are experiencing domestic abuse and you should think about leaving him. Next time he puts his hands around your throat it might kill you.

Tilllly · 04/06/2023 22:55

Leave

Sittwritt · 04/06/2023 22:55

Ok so your partner either has narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Hence his fucked up and violent way of malfunctioning. If u have no kids leave. If you have kids leave. This is not to be played with.

Seas164 · 04/06/2023 23:02

he then came down the stairs pushed me over , got on top of me and his hands round my throat. He says it’s my fault because I wound him up.

Pushing someone over, getting on top of them and putting your hands round their throat is not acceptable or reasonable or legal behaviour, no matter how "wound up" you feel in the moment.

You need to end the relationship, attempted strangulation is serious, please contact Womens Aid or similar for help.

Tillybud81 · 04/06/2023 23:04

Not your fault at all OP!
I was in a similar relationship, but with no physical violence, he'd say stuff to wind me up and make me so angry that I'd shout and swear at him then he'd call me a nutter and immature (I was quite a bit younger than him). Next day he'd be the best guy on earth and so loving.
Worked out in the end he was just a gaslighting, narcissistic twat who didn't deserve me.

Leave, leave now and never regret it. You deserve better

tailinthejam · 04/06/2023 23:05

He put his hands round your throat? That is incredibly dangerous and he could kill you by doing that. You need to escape from this person as soon as possible.

Tillybud81 · 04/06/2023 23:06

Oh and I'm not and never have been an angry "nutter" with any partner but him

pikkumyy77 · 04/06/2023 23:07

Incredibly dangerous behavior. There is no place for any of it—not the nagging and accusing or the threatening and strangulation. Leave at once. This will end in more and more violence towards you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2023 23:11

Stay and he’ll end up severely injuring you or killing you. Who cares if he’s sometimes nice? When he’s not he’s violent and dangerous. You’re not safe. It’s going to get worse. You can access support to leave him. I think you know it’s not your fault which is why you’re posting. Please get away from him.

Vretz · 04/06/2023 23:37

Leave. Can't see any reason or justification to put your hands around a partners throat.

S25 · 05/06/2023 00:41

Oh OP you need to leave as soon as you possibly can. That is not normal and it is not your fault at all. He sounds very unstable and it’s no way for you to be living :(

FrogFairy · 05/06/2023 00:54

Please, run for your life. While you still can.

CallieQ · 05/06/2023 01:17

Laura687 · 04/06/2023 22:46

I live with my partner , we own a house together but we’ve started to argue a lot.
He accuses me of being secretive with my phone (I’m not) and says he doesn’t trust me. Im 100% loyal to him and would never even speak to another person romantically.
When he accuses me of things and we argue I get angry - I throw a few cushions or sometimes let out a little scream to get my frustration out.

My partner then calls me a psycho and throws out a few insults even saying he’ll push me down the stairs. One time I said ‘you wouldn’t dare’ he then came down the stairs pushed me over , got on top of me and his hands round my throat. He says it’s my fault because I wound him up.

Is it my fault ? I only get angry because he accuses me of things and then when I say I haven’t done anything he says he doesn’t believe a word I say. Even though im angry I’ve never laid a hand on him first - not ever.

Im struggling to deal with how my partner can be so loving and then so nasty - why would he want to hurt me if he loves me?

Omg leave him now

Aquamarine1029 · 05/06/2023 01:31

You are in imminent danger. This man is capable of killing you. You must end this relationship immediately, so if he refuses to leave, you gather important belongings and leave. Contact a solicitor immediately and have them help you to navigate the sale the home.

Sorchamarie · 05/06/2023 01:36

This is a seriously toxic relationship and very very unhealthy to stay in. I hope there are no children being damaged by this mess. Please end it, OP. It is extremely unlikely to ever get better and is highly likely to get worse.

FrankieStar · 05/06/2023 01:38

Another vote for leave, and to leave immediately. He's very clearly, very unstable and one day he may very well do something truly dreadful. Why wait to see what's next or when that might be? No one here can tell you why he behaves like this, but we can all unanimously say it's wrong and you're at risk for serious harm if you stay.

Contact womens aid please.

OhcantthInkofaname · 05/06/2023 02:28

He is not your partner. He is your enemy. You need to leave for your own safety.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 05/06/2023 05:19

Hands around the neck is a really giant red flag. It means he's prepared to hurt you badly, kill you even. I expect you're reading that thinking he never could, but I'll bet you never thought he'd wrap his hands round your neck or push you either. There is research showing that this is a really urgent sign, you need to get out for your own safety.

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2023 05:29

Leave him before he kills you

MintJulia · 05/06/2023 06:04

Seas164 · 04/06/2023 23:02

he then came down the stairs pushed me over , got on top of me and his hands round my throat. He says it’s my fault because I wound him up.

Pushing someone over, getting on top of them and putting your hands round their throat is not acceptable or reasonable or legal behaviour, no matter how "wound up" you feel in the moment.

You need to end the relationship, attempted strangulation is serious, please contact Womens Aid or similar for help.

This. Absolutely not your fault in any way.

Your partner is abusive and controlling. He's blaming you for his aggression. I'm sorry but the moment a man puts his hands around your throat like that, you need to leave. You are in danger.

Dery · 05/06/2023 06:09

As PP said - get away from him before he destroys you, mentally and possibly physically. Hands round throat is a massive red flag for future homicide. You can’t stay with him.

perfectcolourfound · 05/06/2023 06:49

Of course it isn't your fault! And the fact that you are questionning it is worrying. It means he's got inside your head and started convincing you that he's always right and you're always wrong, no matter how outlandish the things he says.

Look at it logically.....

  • He starts it by accusing you of something you haven't done.
  • You respond with frustration and anger (entirely reasonable given you keep having this conversation and he's making stuff up to accuse you of).
  • He then calls you 'pyshco' for responding with frustation
  • He then threatens to push you down the stairs
  • He physcially assaults you by way of a threat of what could happen next time

Look at your behaviour - where is the 'physco'?
Look at his behaviour.
Whose behaviour do you think is acceptable? The man who accuses you of things you haven't done, then when you respond in frustration threatens and assualts you?

The initial accusations - he's doing that on purpose, to make you angry. So that when you're angry he can accuse you of being crazy. It's something abuses do. He's abusive. NOONE who loves you will ever threaten to hurt you. NOONE who loves you will ever push you and jump on you and put their hands to your neck. NOONE who loves you will make you feel how he makes you feel.

Please leave. Get to safety. He won't get better. He'll likely get worse. And that will mean a life of (at best) defending ridiculous accusations and getting threatened and pushed, and (at worst) being killed.

You deserve better.

Original poster
Laura687 · 05/06/2023 08:40

I know deep down it's wrong but I just keep telling myself it's a blip and that he'll change or maybe all relationships go through this and the grass isn't greener? I was fully expecting him to apologise this morning but he was just moping around feeling sorry for himself.

Sounds silly but could you all describe what your relationships are like? What's normal - I feel like at 32 years old I've lost all sense of what's right and wrong.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 05/06/2023 09:05

This is not a blip. All relationships do not go through this. The ones that do need to end because they are dangerous, mentally, emotionally and physically.

This is wrong, it feels wrong, you know deep down it's wrong. Get some help in real life to get away, while you have some self left. Women's aid have a live chat service and a phone line, contact them when it's safe to do so.

The quiet moping will turn into a relatively normal patch in which he will hoover you back in and make you feel like you completely overreacted, with his good "normal" behaviour. Your self esteem has been eroded so you will believe him that it's your fault and if you can only be good enough he won't do it again.

He will. You're not safe. Don't let the cycle begin again, take action, please.

Sittwritt · 05/06/2023 09:10

Yes you have lost sight of it.

If my DH or any partner ever lifted a finger on me I would never ever speak to them again. That would be it.

This is not normal. There is give and take in relationship but he’s a shit OP and the more kids you have, the more you are dependent on him, he will get more and more violent. More control.

You need to fuck him off and cut all contact. Shits don’t change. We’ve had lots of arguments but never a finger lifted and if a voice was raised I would point out that it’s approaching a level where he’s undesirable and I will not be bullied. Just consider the capacity to be able to shove you down the stairs. Psychopath.

Feeling sorry for himself? Remember he actually blames you for his actions. He’s either got narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. One or the other. Main characteristic is that they’re always the victim, you get the blame. They’re pretty much identical but only difference borderline one’s threaten suicide as well, whereas narcs don’t as much.

Just don’t live past this first attempt of coercing you and abusing you. Fuck him off pronto.