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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's depression is making me feel very low

51 replies

Millenialataloss · 04/06/2023 21:52

I really don't know what to do.
My dh is, I think, very depressed. He has always been a bit up and down, but the last few years have been increasingly difficult. When he's great it's all good, but at the moment he is incredibly depressed - says his life is terrible, that he's failed. He comes home from work and rants and rants about everything, and I have to sit there and listen to it. He really shouts at me sometimes. He went bananas tonight because a family member upset him - I could understand why he was upset, as the family member had been a bit rude, but he went nuts, starting shouting at the top of his voice, then crying, then kicking the furniture. All this while our son (5yo) is in the next room. I told him I didn't want behaviour like that in the house and he went nuts again.
He point blank refuses to consider antidepressants (even though he has said he would kill himself if X happened several times recently...X being various things that could potentially go wrong in life - he's catastrophising all the time) or counselling/therapy.
I think what upsets me is that he is so grumpy with me so often, takes it out on me. I feel so insignificant at the moment. When I try to point out how his behaviour makes me feel - what its like for me to hear constantly how awful everything is - he gets this weird look on his face like he simply doesn't compute. Which is frustrating because he has the capacity to understand another person's point of view! I just feel like an emotional punchbag.
I also feel sad because this isn't what I want my son to have. I want my son to have a nice, warm environment. He's a good father to our son, and loves him dearly. But he resents the changes having children has brought, and the fact that he 'doesn't get a break'. He says he feels guilty all the time when he can't help me out enough (but its fine, I work part time, so I do more childcare, which I think is fair).
I'll be totally honest, I've begun to think that maybe I don't want to be married to him anymore. But then I feel terrible, I took a vow for 'in sickness and in health'. And I do think he is ill, but at the moment I feel like his carer/therapist, and not one he particularly respects or gives any thought to.
An advice? I don't know what to do. I don't think a day goes by at the moment where he doesn't get grumpy or angry at me for something.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/06/2023 21:54

He’s not a good father if he’s treating you like this. If he won’t seek treatment you have to get your kids out of this toxic environment.

DustyLee123 · 04/06/2023 21:54

He needs to leave.
If he won’t get the help he needs, he needs to get out and stop forcing this behaviour on you and your son.

DustyLee123 · 04/06/2023 21:56

My DH was suffering with his MH but said it was physical. Eventually I got the depression survey on my iPad, put it in front of him and told him to do it. He then realised he had a problem and sought help.

27penny · 04/06/2023 21:56

I second PP comment. Mine was similar, when i said i wanted to separate he finally went to GP got meds, he says he feels better, behaviour hasn't chnaged tho.... we still separated

Door12345 · 04/06/2023 22:01

You can't live like this he needs to take responsibility and seek support
Encourage him to see the GP
If he won't help himself with your support then sadly you might have to end the relationship for the sake of your child who will be impacted growing up around his toxic father

Original poster
Millenialataloss · 04/06/2023 22:04

Thank you everyone. I feel awful that my son has witnessed some of this. I think I might have lost sight of what is normal in a way, we've been married for nearly 10 years.
Whenever dh is really really angry, I try to tell him to calm down if our son is near, but then he tells me that I am just making him even more upset and angry, and that I shouldn't say that to him.
It just isn't what I had hoped for when we had my son, I feel so sad about that. I don't think he will take me giving him an ultimatum very well. But if he is depressed, is it ok to leave him? Am I not just abandoning him when he needs me?

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 04/06/2023 22:19

He's abandoned you already?

Will he leave? Have you got somewhere you and your son could go?

You absolutely do not have to put up with this behaviour and it's not up to you to fix him.

If he's not willing to access help and acknowledge there is a problem there is nothing you can do other than leave him.

Brigitteshittette · 04/06/2023 22:21

Just as you would not be expected to perform his surgery if he developed a physical condition , neither are you (I assume) qualified to treat his rage and poor mental health. He needs to seek professional help and at this point you should at the very least give him an ultimatum to do so or leave. Otherwise you are sleepwalking into teaching your child to walk on eggshells, as you’re already doing yourself.
At the moment he’s undiagnosed so he’s just an abuser, you’re a victim of domestic abuse and violence, as is your child by having to witness his tantrums.
I’d hazard a guess he doesn’t behave like this in front of his colleagues though , so whether a diagnosis and intervention will help your situation is questionable, and you may not want to continue to allow him to terrorise your family and home while he undergoes the (lengthy) mental health referral process.
Personally I’d have to prioritise my child while he does so, and if he’s genuinely ill then he’ll understand why you did this when he’s ‘better’.
But in the meantime I’d want him out.
Generally the escalation goes like this.. first he kicks the furniture, then you, then the child.

Zanatdy · 04/06/2023 22:25

Good fathers don’t shout and kick furniture in ear shot of his child. He needs help, and I’d be giving him that ultimation. If he won’t seek help I’d be leaving

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 04/06/2023 22:25

I told my depressed DH that his problems were affecting me and children, and that I'd never wanted to leave him but this wasn't healthy or happy for me and children, and he went to Dr's, started meds, is so much better.

I think we can mask how bad it's getting until we've had enough but they might not know how fed up we are.

Wishing you a positive outcome, OP

Xrays · 04/06/2023 22:27

My dh went through a spell of this and it led to him being diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and he started medication. That was 10 years ago now and since he’s been on the right medication he is a lot more stable and I can’t remember the last time he had some sort of outburst. He still has black moods occasionally but he recognises it in himself and is able to stop it escalating. But - I had to make it really clear I was going to leave unless he got help. I think that’s what you need to do, and mean it. You can’t let your son continue to be around this. I was raised by a schizophrenic, alcoholic mum and her behaviour was very unpredictable and she often had angry outbursts and it’s really affected me as an adult.

Grumpigal · 04/06/2023 22:27

Well if he won’t get help, what can you do?

He’s refusing medication and you haven’t mentioned therapy so I’m assuming he’s not in therapy or even on wait list or seeking out some counselling?

So what is he doing to help himself? Doesn’t seem like that much? Why then should you have to stay and take the brunt of his anger? Let your poor boy be a witness to such destructive behaviour?

Ask yourself this, does he act like this with friends or people he works with? Does he go into work threatening to harm himself, shouting at people, ranting and raving? If he doesn’t, then it’s a choice.

Depression can’t be switched on and off, if he’s saving his anger for you then it’s a choice. So you should make a choice too, to stop enabling him.

ClementWeatherToday · 04/06/2023 22:41

What makes you think he's depressed? He just sounds abusive to me. This isn't how good men treat their wives and children.

Frogger8395 · 04/06/2023 23:36

He's a good father to our son,

Seriously? Your poor son must be absolutely terrified of him. Why have you diagnosed him with depression?

He sounds like a garden variety abuser.He doesn’t scream at anyone else or smash up their furniture.

Get him out, as a priority. Ring the fucking police next time he starts screaming at you. Or wait till the neighbours call the police on him or your son tells his teacher what’s going on.

DustyLee123 · 05/06/2023 06:54

Yes, it’s ok to leave him. Your home is not an acceptable environment for you or your son.

ShoesoftheWorld · 05/06/2023 07:03

Your son's learning that 'this is what daddies (= men) do, and mummies (= women) put up with it.' Quite apart from the stress and tension he must be feeling all the time, wondering when Daddy is going to kick off.

Depression doesn't make this behaviour acceptable. Tbh - particularly when I got to the bit about him resenting the changes to your lives from having children - I can't help wondering if this is less 'depression' than a five-year-long tantrum over not being the centre of your world any more and having to put someone else first (and watching you putting someone else first). This may be why he's so resistant to antidepressants.

IIWY I would be telling him clearly that his outburst from yesterday can never be repeated; that he needs to leave, now, and not return until he has demonstrably been to the GP, got medication if the GP thinks it appropriate, and got referral processes (and private therapy if you can afford it) in place, and is prepared to work on himself in the interim by stopping using his family as a punching bag.

Tangelablue · 05/06/2023 07:09

Your son needs you more. Its scary for children to hear or see grown ups angry and out of control. This could impact your child long term. Your husband is a grown up and can make his own decisions, your son can't do that and relies on you to keep him feeling safe.

MrsLiam · 05/06/2023 07:15

Mind is very low at times - cries, and is very quiet and separate from us - and I get how utterly awful it is, and how it pulls you down too. But he is seeking help and he is never violent. I think that would be a line crossed for me.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/06/2023 07:32

He’s refused to seek any help. You owe him nothing. Leave.

SaveMyUsername2 · 05/06/2023 07:57

I lived like this , it was horrendous. And he blamed me for not being understanding. Turned out he was a secret drinker too which was adding to everything. We stayed together and he finally got help and is now sober and much better. But honestly I wish I’d left when things were bad as he destroyed so much love and it didn’t grow back. I’m just hanging on for the kids to grow now. Please mind yourself

BarrelOfOtters · 05/06/2023 08:06

He’s probably an arse at work but not like this. He can control his behaviour. This will have been sapping your confidence for years. Depression is kind of catching, living with someone with depression who isn’t get treatment they need saps your energy day in day out .

I gave dh an ultimatum….he had to go the GP or I was leaving. I went with him to make sure he didn’t minimise it. He also gave u alcohol, he wasn’t a big drinker but even a couple of pints brought him down, took up exercise and I made him go out with a friend once a week to give me a break. he took the anti depressants.

I also started putting myself first, I got out more, put boundaries around how much I’d listen to him, got some counselling through my work. She said pretend like you are wrapped in bubble wrap so you can’t hear the constant negativity.

but bear in mind that underneath it all your husband might just be an agrees you’d be better off without. Or if it’s really depression he’ll take steps to deal with it. But he might just be an arse.

take care of yourself first.

Clymene · 05/06/2023 08:14

It's fine to leave him. He is abusive. You deserve better. Your son deserves better. And he's not a good father because a good father doesn't frighten their children.

Kick him out and it's up to him if he gets help or not. But you cannot carry on like this.

WonkyPicture · 05/06/2023 08:24

My husband has spent the past 5 years suffering with depression, on and off but lately mostly on. He's now had some sort of split from reality, he's had an emotional affair, I have kicked him out, he's now lost his job, moved in with this woman but is still depressed. He's told me he'll never be anything other than depressed and that he's lost everything but it's what he deserves. He says he a broken man.

I feel completely sorry for him, he is pitiful tbh. Even though he had the affair, and now says he loves her, I really don't think he's winning at life or that he's happy. I get to move on guilt free without him dragging me down. I would never have left him to deal with his depression on his own but I get to concentrate on me now. I'll be happy again, although I'm desperately heartbroken right now.

HarpyValley · 05/06/2023 10:11

OP, I live with a chronically depressed DH - diagnosed, on long-term medication, seeing a psychiatrist, the works.

What you are living with is not normal. It is abusive.

Depression can exacerbate anger issues but a responsible husband and father would either recognise himself that he needs help, or would be open to suggestions he speak to his GP. Taking it out on you and your son is absolutely not acceptable.

I opened this thread hoping to be able to give solidarity to someone suffering from understandable 'compassion fatigue' - supporting a partner with depression can be exhausting and you have to make sure you make time for yourself; the old "you can't pour from an empty jug" adage. But what you are living with is far, far beyond that and in your position, I would seriously consider leaving.

piedbeauty · 05/06/2023 10:13

Does he act like this with anyone else? Does he kick chairs at work, for example? If not, I suggest he can control it - this is how he's CHOOSING to act with you.

He's not showing you any care, he's not sticking to his marriage vows. You need to put yourself and your dc first. I'd give tour h an ultimatum.