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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's depression is making me feel very low

51 replies

Millenialataloss · 04/06/2023 21:52

I really don't know what to do.
My dh is, I think, very depressed. He has always been a bit up and down, but the last few years have been increasingly difficult. When he's great it's all good, but at the moment he is incredibly depressed - says his life is terrible, that he's failed. He comes home from work and rants and rants about everything, and I have to sit there and listen to it. He really shouts at me sometimes. He went bananas tonight because a family member upset him - I could understand why he was upset, as the family member had been a bit rude, but he went nuts, starting shouting at the top of his voice, then crying, then kicking the furniture. All this while our son (5yo) is in the next room. I told him I didn't want behaviour like that in the house and he went nuts again.
He point blank refuses to consider antidepressants (even though he has said he would kill himself if X happened several times recently...X being various things that could potentially go wrong in life - he's catastrophising all the time) or counselling/therapy.
I think what upsets me is that he is so grumpy with me so often, takes it out on me. I feel so insignificant at the moment. When I try to point out how his behaviour makes me feel - what its like for me to hear constantly how awful everything is - he gets this weird look on his face like he simply doesn't compute. Which is frustrating because he has the capacity to understand another person's point of view! I just feel like an emotional punchbag.
I also feel sad because this isn't what I want my son to have. I want my son to have a nice, warm environment. He's a good father to our son, and loves him dearly. But he resents the changes having children has brought, and the fact that he 'doesn't get a break'. He says he feels guilty all the time when he can't help me out enough (but its fine, I work part time, so I do more childcare, which I think is fair).
I'll be totally honest, I've begun to think that maybe I don't want to be married to him anymore. But then I feel terrible, I took a vow for 'in sickness and in health'. And I do think he is ill, but at the moment I feel like his carer/therapist, and not one he particularly respects or gives any thought to.
An advice? I don't know what to do. I don't think a day goes by at the moment where he doesn't get grumpy or angry at me for something.

OP posts:
Sicario · 05/06/2023 10:37

Please seek help for yourself. Regardless of your DH's mental health, you are living in an abusive marriage, and your son is being raised in an abusive household.

A very clear indicator for this is if you ever feel that you are "walking on eggshells".

Your DH's mental health is not your responsibility.

You are not the cause of his behaviour.

You are not responsible for his happiness.

You are probably experiencing what is known as FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and you do not have to put up with it. You and your son deserve to be happy and to live in a safe and emotionally healthy environment. This means that either he leaves or that you do. And don't be surprised if he threatens suicide if you put your foot down. This is another well-known tactic of abusers.

Original poster
Millenialataloss · 06/06/2023 15:55

Thank you for all of your replies. I agree I have diagnosed him with depression myself, but sometimes he says he is depressed.
Recently I have begun to wonder if I am in an abusive relationship. I just don’t really know what’s normal. He’s been better the last few days, but I wonder if that’s because I’ve been a bit more guarded.
I’ve lost count of the times he’s shouted at me, really shouted, and told me to fuck off. He gets upset so often and when he gets angry he often says that I’m making it worse with what i’m saying. But the thing is that he’s not like this all the time.
I feel so sad. This isn’t what I wanted. He says I have an unrealistic view of relationships and that all married couples get snappy.
I have, for the first time, begun to open up to my mum.
I feel really low even considering I’m in an abusive relationship. I feel such a failure if I am. How did I not notice?

The thing is he would be really devastated if I left, I know he would be. So does that really mean he’s abusive? I don’t think he hates me.

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 06/06/2023 16:11

It doesn't sound like a happy supportive marriage. Granted all marriages have their ups and downs. But there have to be ups, and ups where you can be yourself. If you are always the support, or the metaphorical cat being kicked...that's just massive signs.

I hope opening up to your mum helps. Try and be honest with her - so be clear about what you are telling her and how you feel and how unhappy you are.

Imagine a life where you weren't feeling like this all the time and could just think about your your son.

cestlavielife · 06/06/2023 16:32

Het gets help or ships out
he leaves Or you sbd sskezve ubtil he gets help
Dont just tell hin you dont lije it
Take action
He will not
So you have to take charge

Speak to your gp
Tell everyone your family and his

Which "good " father kicks things?
When your ds copies this behaviour will you say oh he is "a good boy " and do nothing to tesch him otherwise?

cestlavielife · 06/06/2023 16:33

Or you and ds leave until he gets help

OhBling · 06/06/2023 16:47

In your original OP, this is the sentence that rang huge alarm bells for me: I told him I didn't want behaviour like that in the house and he went nuts again.

This is him controlling you and using his anger and his "depression" to silence you and ensure you do only what he wants you to do.

He may well be depressed. He may well genuinely love you. But that doesn't mean he can't also be abusive. I think there's a rather misleading trope that abusive men do it on purpose, they do it in a very calculating way etc etc... and while that may well be the case sometimes, a lot of them have the sort of disordered thinking that means they genuinely believe whatever it is they're saying.

In all his rants about never having any time etc etc, does this often lead to you giving him all the lie ins or happily letting him go off to the pub/play golf/do other hobbies so that he can work on his mental health with time off? Do you find yourself making different decisions becuase otherwise it will set him off - what to eat, what to wear, what to say, what to do? Do you resist leaving him with your DS alone either because you secretly worry or becuase you know he will make your life a living hell if you do?

billy1966 · 06/06/2023 18:24

Your poor child.

Of course you are both being abused.

But your child will be the one that is on his way to anxiety, depression and CPTSD because you are putting his abusive father ahead of him.

I'm sorry if that is harsh but you cannot fix this awful man.

Save that poor child who doesn't deserve to be reared in this terrible environment.

If you stay I hope your child tells a teacher who can report it to SS who will hopefully take action.

You owe it to your child to remove him from that environment asap.

Speak to Women's aid for support.

Tell family and friends the truth.

Save your son from this.

Ireolu · 06/06/2023 18:46

I read the opening post and also wondered is this actually depression or abuse? The last post makes me think it's more abusive and dysfunctional. You are clearly not happy OP, pls look at leaving him and no not all marriages involve people being snappy with each other.

Seaoftroubles · 06/06/2023 19:13

I also think this is abuse rather than depression. Please get your little boy out of this awful environment, it will definitely be affecting him, don't kid yourself he hasn't heard his father swearing and ranting at you.
Your husband is not a good father, he cannot control his rages and treats you with utter contempt. There is no love, care or respect for you in this relationship.
If you don't think you can ask your him to leave then speak to Women's Aid for advice and support re leaving yourself. Perhaps you could go to your Mums for now. Please leave for your sons sake if not for your own.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/06/2023 19:14

Why do you think he would be devastated if you left??. Because you know he would be?. no, he’d more likely be pissed off and angry if you left because he’d then have to find another silly sap of a woman to abuse and that will take work. Such men hate women, all of them. you’ve also been wrong to self diagnose him with depression as well.

Abuse like you describe sneaks up on people unawares, it is that insidious in onset. I would think that pregnancy and birth were when he really started to ramp up the power and control against you both.

You’re now in the nice part of his nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He remains volatile and will kick off again shortly.

Do contact Women’s Aid and seek their help re planning your exit safely from your abuser. Your son will also thank you for doing so. This relationship model is dead in the water because your husband is and remains abusive towards you and in turn your child.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/06/2023 19:17

So damaging for your boy, and soul crushing for you. Leave him.

Tangelablue · 06/06/2023 20:06

I'm wondering if he is having tantrums because he has realised your full attention will be on him and not your child and he is enjoying this.
He has told you he will be devastated if you leave but is this something he is saying so u don't leave because he knows you are devoted to him. If he didn't want you to leave he would work on his emotions and get help for his mental health.

Original poster
Millenialataloss · 06/06/2023 22:53

Thank you for all your messages. Please don’t think I am a bad mother. I love my son dearly, and he loves his father. Dh has never lost his temper with our son, he has a very good relationship with him. If he had shown any sign of abusive behaviour towards my son I’d be out - no question.
This might sound strange but a major reason holding me back from separating is his family. They have been nothing but welcoming and supportive. His parents helped with a house deposit, his siblings are both great. They’re all great with our son.
I know they would be so upset if I left him. I don’t want to let them down, though I know that probably sounds really weird.
thanks so much everyone.

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 07/06/2023 00:42

He is abusing him.

HarpyValley · 07/06/2023 07:32

Maybe your in laws would be upset, OP…but they’re not the ones who have to live with him, they’re not the ones who have to listen to him ranting and swearing, they’re not the ones walking on eggshells around him. And it wouldn’t be you letting them down, it would be him - because of his abusive behaviour towards you and their grandson.

You only get one life; you can’t waste it trying to make other people, to whom you’re only tangentially related, happy at the expense of yourself and your son. At least think about completing the Freedom programme, it might help you understand how and where your relationship is abusive, and give you some confidence to start making plans to keep your son and yourself safe.

cestlavielife · 07/06/2023 12:23

Loding his temper near and in ssme house as his son is damaging
Swearing at you is damaging for ds
Unless he goesto gp and gets a depressikn diagnosis then you can only asdume this is abuse and he know what he is doing

Tell his family what is going on
Ask them to take him in
Ask them to get him to gp

Maybe record one of these episodes
And share to his family asking for their support for him

If you need to leave for a bit his family will be there for him do you dont need to worry zbout his devastation
His family willl be there for ds

You cannot go on living like this
He will not see gp or do anything unlesd you change your behabiour and take action to get away and say why
Ie you wont continue to live with this
He can seek help or not his choice

cestlavielife · 07/06/2023 12:27

Say to yourself "i cannot make him happy"
When you accept that you cannot be responsobke fir his behaviour it helps
See a counsellor for you , that helped me a lot (exp did have mh diagnosis depresion anxiety etc but i also recognized behaviours later as controlling and abusive . Regardless of why he behaves like this you have no reason to live with it nor does ds

Original poster
Millenialataloss · 07/06/2023 22:25

Thank you for all of your comments everyone. In some ways they have made me feel very sad, but mainly because I think I have been burying my head in the sand for several years.
I just don’t know what’s normal anymore. He has his good days, and when he does he’s wonderful - such good fun, makes me laugh, can be very considerate.
But when he’s having a bad day it’s terrible. I just feel like an emotional punchbag. I just can’t understand why he would behave like this - from nice to incredibly unreasonable and angry? Can’t he see it’s not nice behaviour? I just don’t get it. I have my grumpy days as much as anyone, but I don’t think I’ve ever properly shouted at anyone, or told them off. He tells me off all the time, especially when he’s in a bad mood.
this might sound really silly but sometimes I just wish he would hit me so that I had a cast iron reason to leave, so I knew I was definitely in the right and not overreacting/being over sensitive.
thank you again. It’s probably really frustrating reading my posts. I appreciate I might seem like a total sap, but I don’t think I am. I just don’t get why he behaves how he does.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/06/2023 22:30

He behaves how he does because he’s an abuser. The being awful then nice as pie is a classic move. It’s messing with your head, controlling you and making you stay. Abusers aren’t generally awful 24/7. This is a typical pattern.

Quitelikeit · 07/06/2023 22:32

Marry a man you want your son to become

Because your son will one day become the man you marry

Sorry I’d be making the threat that’s it’s GP or nothing

I must add I do think depression can make you snappy and irritable but it’s not an excuse for ongoing persistent abusive behaviour

Quitelikeit · 07/06/2023 22:33

Oh and just a quick thought don’t think for a moment your in laws are perfect or your husband would not be acting like this

just goes to show you never know what goes on behind closed doors

I strongly suspect he takes after one of his parents

cestlavielife · 07/06/2023 23:36

Look up cycle of abuse
Bullies are nice to some people reel them.in
and nasty
So he s "depressed" on some days? Hmmmm

Thisisbollocksmark · 07/06/2023 23:37

I think you've decided this is depression to justify his behaviour. It's clearly abuse. He wants you stressing about how to keep him happy. He wants to control you by trying to make you responsible if he has an outburst. You ARE his punchbag and he wants to keep it that way.

Search online for a PDF of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and read the whole thing. There's quite a lot of information you'll find very useful.

Mmhmmn · 08/06/2023 01:39

Millenialataloss · 04/06/2023 21:52

I really don't know what to do.
My dh is, I think, very depressed. He has always been a bit up and down, but the last few years have been increasingly difficult. When he's great it's all good, but at the moment he is incredibly depressed - says his life is terrible, that he's failed. He comes home from work and rants and rants about everything, and I have to sit there and listen to it. He really shouts at me sometimes. He went bananas tonight because a family member upset him - I could understand why he was upset, as the family member had been a bit rude, but he went nuts, starting shouting at the top of his voice, then crying, then kicking the furniture. All this while our son (5yo) is in the next room. I told him I didn't want behaviour like that in the house and he went nuts again.
He point blank refuses to consider antidepressants (even though he has said he would kill himself if X happened several times recently...X being various things that could potentially go wrong in life - he's catastrophising all the time) or counselling/therapy.
I think what upsets me is that he is so grumpy with me so often, takes it out on me. I feel so insignificant at the moment. When I try to point out how his behaviour makes me feel - what its like for me to hear constantly how awful everything is - he gets this weird look on his face like he simply doesn't compute. Which is frustrating because he has the capacity to understand another person's point of view! I just feel like an emotional punchbag.
I also feel sad because this isn't what I want my son to have. I want my son to have a nice, warm environment. He's a good father to our son, and loves him dearly. But he resents the changes having children has brought, and the fact that he 'doesn't get a break'. He says he feels guilty all the time when he can't help me out enough (but its fine, I work part time, so I do more childcare, which I think is fair).
I'll be totally honest, I've begun to think that maybe I don't want to be married to him anymore. But then I feel terrible, I took a vow for 'in sickness and in health'. And I do think he is ill, but at the moment I feel like his carer/therapist, and not one he particularly respects or gives any thought to.
An advice? I don't know what to do. I don't think a day goes by at the moment where he doesn't get grumpy or angry at me for something.

He took vows too though, didn't he.

To love and protect etc? And he's not honouring those vows.

Anyway, you wouldn't have married him if you had known you would end up as his emotional punchbag.

Hearti · 08/06/2023 02:03

This is an abusive relationship. What you describe is not normal and mentally abusive towards you. Please take your child and leave immediately. You and your child should not be exposed to this damaging behaviour. You need to ensure your son has healthy relationships around him. Leave now before your son starts to copy his father (and he will). Do not wait to be hit. Put your son first.

He has decided that he will not take steps to address his mental health, no assessments or medication. This is his choice. Do not hang around waiting for things to change.