Can someone help me make sense of this please?

[AllTheBunnies]

I have posted before about this.

I just can't shake the feeling that my boyfriend of 18 months isn't attracted to me.

I have no doubt that he thinks I'm attractive but I don't think he finds me attractive.

It's not something we dwell on. I've asked him outright and he says that he does but my gut tells me otherwise.

The relationship otherwise is really good. We get on well, are comfortable together, have similar/compatible interests. We love each other amd care for each other and he is clearly invested in the relationship (as am I) but this feeling just won't go away and its really knocking my confidence now. I feel small and unattractive. I worry that he's embarrassed by me when we go out.

And I don't even know if my gut instinct is reliable! Or whether it matters.

Why do you think.this? Are you not having sex as much as you would like? If this is the case,perhaps you have different sex drives?

OK. Well the best example is sex.

We were having sex around 3 times a week until a few months ago when one week he just made it really clear he wasn't up for it, which is fine. Didn't say anything but it was obvious.

He then told me that it wasn't me and put it down to his age and saying he needed 24 hours between sex to recover. Again fine and no one should be having sex they don't want.

Then this week, out of nowhere, he initiated sex three times and twice last week when, for the past few months, it's probably averaged every 10 days or so.

It took me by surprise a bit and rather than feeling it was because he desired me, it felt more like he was feeling horny because of some other reason that wasn't me. Again, nothing has been said about it. He wasn't flirty or anything with me beforehand, there wasn't anything to suggest it would be different.

I know that people will say the frequency is normal and fine but it's just the sudden changes in his interest levels.

I spoke to him about it last night. I asked him outright if he actually fancies me. He said yes but his tone was off. Higher. It just didn't sound sincere. And he didn't say anything else. He brought it up an hour or so later and told me he loved me but that's not in any doubt. I know he loves me.

I don't know if I'm overthinking it.

And there were definitely less than 24 hours between two occasions.

Probably not even 12.

Are you comparing him.or the relationship to previous relationships? Sounds confusing OP.

No. Just noticing the change in this one.

Do you live together and how old are you both?

May be he's suggesting with ED occasionally. That could explain the random patterns in his sex drive.

Why would you think he's embarrassed to be seen with you or out with you?

Sometimes, it's easy to over think these things especially if our self esteem isn't the greatest. But, you know him and if you're picking up cues from his behaviour that something isn't right, then it probably isn't and for your sake I'd be doing some gentle digging to find out what it is. Changes in behaviour are always a red for something. They may not be always be sinister but something has changed if you sense it.

I recognise this feeling from a previous relationship.

Could it be that you're feeling compared to other women or that he has his eye elsewhere?

Has he said anything tactless about your looks, as in that you're lovely but not his usual 'type', for instance, or talked a lot about other womens' looks? Maybe talked too much about an ex, looks or otherwise? If so it could be that you're assuming any fluctuations in sex life are because he doesn't think you measure up to some other.

It's hard to say without specific examples of what has made you feel this way (I know it's hard to evidence a negative), as it sounds like you have sex quite frequently.

No he doesn't talk about exes or other women in that way and he hasn't directly criticised me (if at all) but he's mentioned, as people do, things he finds attractive and I'm none of those things. I see him notice other women when we're out. He doesn't stare and its not disrespectful but he notices.

I asked him about it once. He just said that he can be attracted to things I'm not and still like me. But that felt like he was saying he was settling for me. I just feel like I'm lacking.

I've tried bringing it up two or three times and I end up feeling like I'm being fobbed off.

I can't tell if that's because, as far as he's concerned, there's no reason for me to be worried so he's not sure what else to say or because he's saying as little as possible so he doesn't incriminate himself.

It's also little things like, I went for a shower earlier and he joked that I was to let him know if I wanted him to scrub my back. Yet, we're both sitting on the sofa now and he won't even try to put his arm around me or whatever.

Something just feels off.

Could it be that you're feeling compared to other women

Yes, I do feel compared. Not overtly but I still feel it.

Do you live together and how old are you both?

I'm late 40s and he's late 50s. We don't live together but we don't spend much time apart.

May be he's suggesting with ED occasionally. That could explain the random patterns in his sex drive.

He did say that was an issue before when he talked about the 24 hour recovery period. But there was no evidence of it this week.

So sorry you're feeling this way. The sad part is when you feel this way, yoh naturally probably get more needy and anxious which is an unattractive vibe so it's a vicious circle. To break this I would say focus on doing things that make you feel sensual and sexy and Confident, exercise, shaving and moisturizing, blow dry your hair, whatever it is, get out and about feeling confident - this will help you feel more confident. He may notice this change in your vibe and relax a bit. Just focus on you for now x

Thanks.

I don't get more needy but I do feel anxious so I'm probably withdrawing more than anything which will have the same effect.

I am focusing on self care and whatever. And all the things you suggest. I just feel like a bit of a fraud and a joke though really.

I'm trying to remember how I feel when I feel attractive but I'm finding it difficult 😕

Thanks for your suggestions.

My ex was like this I just knew I wasn’t his type and it felt horrible

That's the thing. He says I am. He says I'm everything he's ever wanted. Or he did. He doesn't really say much of anything he has to commit to anymore.

It's like he appears to be saying the right things eg he tells me I'm beautiful etc but that's what I mean about thinking I'm attractive but not finding me attractive.

I know he loves me. I know he thinks I'm attractive. He says I have a good figure. He tells me all the things he likes and admires about personality etc But I just don't think I do it for him. I'm not even sure he's admitted it to himself. I think he wants to feel it but just doesn't.

Yes I hear you @AllTheBunnies it was the same for me he wanted to fancy me wanted me to be the one but I wasn’t I just didnt do it for him and if I’m really honest he didn’t for me BUT we were great friends liked all the same things etc but I wasn’t his type listen to your gut it’s the truth

It just makes me so sad.

Part of me thinks maybe what we do have is enough. But I'm not ready go give up that part of myself yet.

I had a feeling it would be something like this. My experience was along these lines.

I just don't get why some folk don't think before they speak! What is the point of telling (say) a small, athletic brunette how much he has always liked tall busty redheads or vice versa?! However much attraction is about the whole person, so he's probably not missing those attributes mentioned, he's just shone a big spotlight on things you can't change and feel are lacking now.

There are always other implied values attached to whatever's 'missing' so it's so easy to extrapolate that you're not enough.

To me I have to say it sounds like a slightly older guy who may be getting a bit less focussed on sex rather than it being about you specifically, coupled with some tactless comments. I don't think you should keep asking periodically but if you're not feeling comfortable still after making efforts to build your confidence as a PP suggests, you could maybe try a cards on the table talk. His interest in sex seems to have waned overall. He has made some comments in the past that have left you wondering whether he feels a real attraction to you as opposed to just appreciating you, and you're feeling on edge so please can he let you know either way whether there is a connection between those two things? Say it's not going to be horribly upsetting, you can't be everyone's type but you do wish to know if he likes you as a companion rather than a lover.

Could it be he's taken a longer acting Ed drug like cialus - can work for 36 hours if Ed isn't severe, and so I'd flying off the back of that hence his sudden new interest but isn't telling you?
Ì also wonder if, bear with me, it might sound odd, he has a kink that is getting triggered by something you are unaware of which is turning him in and doesn't want to bring it up with you as he's unsure how you'd react. Is it possible, even slightly? Have you talked about these things, maybe trying things out if each other wanted- if you were willing to and depending on what it is, it could be something really minor like you have new nail polish he's admiring!
These are two possibilities which instantly spring to mind a possibilities.
A third is if he is dealing with a degree of Ed is the amount of alcohol he drinks correlated to the time he needs to reviver in between sex for example. Less booze faster recovery. Something to look at.
The only way you will find out is to tell him you are confused, bothered and it is damaging the way you feel about yourself and your relationship, you deserve an honest discussion. Stress to him the impact of this and the importance of an open discussion. I how you find a straightforward answer

Thank you. Yes, that's a good way of approaching it. And I know that's what I need to do.

I've even gone to start something similar - which is why I've brought it up when I have. It's not a whiny "why don't you fancy me" but a conversation starter that hasnt worked. I don't blame him. If he doesn't fancy me theres not a lot he can do about it! I think he wants to. He just doesn't.

I think the increased sex last week was because we spent more time together during the day because I was off work. He works full time but starts and finishes earlier than me so he had less opportunity to sort himself out if he felt a bit horny. Maybe he thought I would find the increased attention reassuring.

Thinking about the shower comment, my dh would take that as an absolutley necessary sign to know whether it not he needed to take his Ed meds in advance( they sometimes require explicit directing I've realised and get something like 2 or 4 pills a month in prescription only). If i didn't comment that would nice for you to come in out something vaguely suggestive he would understand that meant no sex, not take the pill so sit in the other side of the sofa from me as he wanted to I didn't and it wasn't happening.
I suspect he had got his hand on the pills but needs to know from you if you're up for it and if he is to use a pill or it is wasted ( as they are valuable and you don't get many each month due to nhs max allowances).
You need to fund out if that's it. It sounds exactly that.

My husband will always describe women he finds attractive, dark hair, dark eyes, sporty, organised, slim, bubbly, having muscles. I have blonde hair, blue eyes and am a chaos filled adhd person, hate sports and do none and consequently have no muscles, except for thin and lively I am none of these things. But i know he finds me extremely attractive.
Relationships don't really work like that because that's not what real ones are based in. They are based in shared values, beliefs, goals and things like that and for me sometimes personality is most attractive of all. Obviously you can't find a person unattractive and unpleasant to be in a relationship but I look on this like your feeling down and lost in your situation. It's making you question all these things which are stacking up negatively in your mind which could well not be a problem. It not good for you. Tell him. He's likely oblivious. Only by being master of fact he might understand wheat and why he needs to communicate with you.

GlamGiraffe

Thank you for your ideas!

I'm confident it's not about any medication he's taking and I'm confident it's not that I've triggered a kink I don't know about. I've done nothing different to I'd normally do. The shower comment is just a bit of a joke he sometimes makes.

I think it is probably more to do with someone else piquing his interest than me. Not a specific person but we went away for a couple of days last weekend ad there were lots of women there who did fit the bill in terms of what he finds attractive (especially in terms of the things I am not).

My advice don’t beat yourself up you’ve got a gut instinct that’s probably right he’s not going to hurt you by admitting it just accept it what it is and act accordingly- I wish I’d admitted it to myself instead of making excuses and moved on earlier if you’ve never been in this situation you just don’t get it

Is there any chance he could be seeing someone else?

It honestly sounds like this is something that's been brought up a lot. And it sounds like he's fed up with it coming up. Which I would be too to be honest. The conversation would irritate me, and be a turn off.

It's sad but I think you're right.