Not parenting together at all, how do I deal with an Ex who refuses to talk to me?

[MakingItWorkSomehow]

It’s been 6 years since we split, share a DD aged 8 almost 9. We split due to his violence towards both DD and I – proved in family court. He has court ordered contact for 2 nights EOWend which was made a year after we split. We’ve been back to court twice over arrangements (all 3 times he took me) and both times the judge stuck to the original order.

He flat out refuses to talk to me, if he does it’s to tell me that he disagrees with the court order and wants DD move. He won’t talk to me about anything to do with DD, she’s had several operations and for a few weeks after a couple contact had to be changed, but Ex refused to discuss it with me and took me back to court over it when I tried just before covid saying that contact shouldn’t be changed and if it is it should be that DD goes to his immediately after the operation to recover and I don’t see her for a few weeks. The judge laughed him out of court btw, told him I was being perfectly reasonable to follow the doctors advice to temporarily distrupt contact – I always offer to make it up when she’s better and even say he can have her for longer in holidays.

He won’t speak to school or attend school related things. The two times they’ve called him about DD, he’s told them that he doesn’t have weekday time with her, it’s my domain and unless they think residency should switch he doesn’t want to speak to them, and then hung up.

If I message him about DD – if she’s ill, or theres a party she wants to go to on his weekend he completely ignores me. Then will call me shouting abuse at me if I keep her with me when she’s ill (I still send her on party days but she has missed so many)

I find it incredibly rude and frustrating. He won’t even talk to me when I do handover, we still use a communication book, which DD says he doesn’t even read – so he doesn’t even know when she’s had her medications/when to give it again.

The only time he ever contacts me is to tell me when he has DD that he’s returning her late or early when she’s with him or like above if she’s ill and I’ve kept her with me – the early is usually because she’s a bit under the weather. I never find out why he’s returning her late – and even then its not via text or email, it’s a phone call. My emails go unanswered. Even a few times during emergencies he’s completely ignored my messages and I’ve had to contact his family to get him to pay attention. Judges both times we went back to court told him he needs to communicate with me if he wants more contact and yet he completely ignores it. The judge won't reduce contact either, I did ask in court so I do have to cope.

How do I manage this? Due to DDs specific issues we’ll likely have to communicate until she’s 14 or 15 when she can do it herself.

It's the same in everything. I'm struggling to divorce him because he refuses to sign the papers, and I don't have the money to force it through courts to make him sign them - it's also what he wants I think.

This is so tricky, could mediation be suggested?

Nothing you ever do is going to fix him
You couldn't do it when you were together and you're never going to do it now he hates you.

Accept it. Don't bother contacting him unless necessary. And then do closed statements, no reply expected.

Thanks both

@LolaLu1980 I've been advised by my solicitor not to do mediation as he's abusive and this has been proven.

@Lefteyetwitch I have to contact him though, I should be able to get hold of him if DD has an accident and in hospital, I shouldn't have to ring his sister to then have to ring him. And I should be able to discuss arrangements like illness with him, I don't contact him outside of those situations. It's also annoying that he clearly has no regard for DD to not even read the communication book - yes I can't take what an 8yo says as gosbel but given that he doesn't ever write in it I can assume he's not reading it either.

I just want to have a basic level of communcation with him, which I know he doesn't want. What would happen if school couldn't get hold of me for whatever reason? Would he really let social services contact him instead? These are things that concern me and I just want to tackle. I never want cosy little chats over coffee just a basic level of talking for my DDs sake.

Log it, every communication you have with him just log it if you dont already. Log that he does not read the handover book, that is vital and clearly he does not care. What he is doing is controlling you with all those tactics. If he takes you to court again then you will have things logged, day and time if possible. You need to be resilient, and gray rock him as much as possible.

Also does he require you to call him when there is an health emergency? or is this something you taken upon yourself as a good parent?

If he does not need this communication from you, court ordered that is, then stop it, you are feeding his egocentric abuse towards you and loves the high's he gets form that control. If you dont need to then dont. Its up to him to be a dad, and you do not get paid for chasing his responsibility so stop

@Shoutatthewind I'm expected to call him to let him know in an emergency whats happening, and I'd rather he be aware and it not be necessary than go through the faff of trying to get hold of him if it was something very serious.

In the 6 years since we split I've needed to get hold of him in an emergency 5 times so it's an almost yearly occurance although is getting less as DD gets older.

Plus the judge has told him that I am able to make a decision re illness and keeping her with me as long as it's not happening often or I'm no repaying the contact, which never happens, I always offer to repay and even offer more contact than he'd usually get when she's been ill.

I think it's clear that he doesn't want the contact. He's trying to assert his control by ignoring you!
In an emergency I would try phoning him once and then leave him a text. But other than that I would just leave it. I feel as if your playing into his games by emphasizing it (not your fault).
My ex husband used to play a lot of those kind of games. Just try and communicate with him once then get on with looking after your daughter. Or if not it becomes a game for him and more importantly it takes your attention away from her when she needs it.
Your able to make important decisions without his authority if you have tried to contact him.

Switch to a court approved parenting app?

Won't change things but will all be court admissible.

For the divorce a judge can sign off if he refuses to, happened with SIL.

Do you have his phone number? Just text or leave a message if there’s an emergency. You can’t force him to attend or whatever. If school couldn’t get hold of you surely they’d ring him directly? They probably should be ringing him aswell

@BungleandGeorge He won't answer to school anymore, the two times they have managed to get through he told them not his problem basically and hung up, which is a worry although I don't plan anything happening to me.

Yes I have his phone number and him mine. If I message he completely ignores it then rings me with abuse if DDs ill even when I've left him a message.

@MakingItWorkSomehow - I've the very same thing although my kids are older (one is autistic). Ex completely ignores me and after 7 years, it's really tedious. He won't even hand out his phone number to our kids, INCASE I get hold of it.
There are times that I would like to discuss things as two parents (like Uni, birthdays, illnesses etc) but he behaves like a toddler and really is a waste of space.
I'm so envious of friends who are divorced yet manage to be pleasant to each other.

OP you need to disengage. Not from the process but from getting wound up about it and expecting him to parent.

Send him a text to say that upon advice you will only be communicating via text/whatsapp/email from now on. And stick to it. If he calls, don't answer, reply by text 'I missed your call is dd OK?'.

Only text him once if dd is ill. Be factual. Expect nothing from him. Offer the additional contact if it affects his time. That way you are sticking 100% to the court order.

Take his name off the school records. In an emergency my dc school had my name, my mum and a neighbour, their dad was similar to your ex. No point him being on the contact list.

Expect nothing from him (and you shall receive it in abundance). Take it from me, there will be no communication, no joint parenting from a man like this. It's all about his control over you. Disengage. Take his power away from him.

@Loverofoxbowlakes The issue is it's just me and Ex as contacts at school and they say we have to have two, I have no-one else to add, my neighbours DC go to different schools

How come he has access to your dd if he was violent towards her as well as you?

@BlastedPimples Because he took me to court and the courts allowed him unsupervised access.

Unfortunately you just have to accept that he's not going to communicate with you. If there is an emergency, just text him with an update and put it out of your mind, don't go ringing around his family to make him aware.

You need to use the app - I think it’s called Our Family. It’s a messaging app and you can add your solicitor to it so all messages are seen, plus they are screened so that any abuse he attempts to send you will be filtered out.
It’s strongly recommended.

BTW, just because he doesn’t reply doesn’t t mean he's ignoring your message. Just message him the info but dont do things like ‘DD is ill, please phone me to discuss pick up’ or similar.

What a messed society we live in when judges put fathers rights over common sense and the best interest of the kids.
He's been violent to her yet deemed safe to have her unsupervised even though he is displaying controlling behaviour and refusing to put the needs of his child first by not even caring about her medication.
All to play a power game with you.

I sympathise so much op it must be horrible.
The poster who told you to just disengage is correct.
Don't message or say anything about anything at all. Use the book to put whatever you need to communicate in and leave it.

Don't give him the satisfaction

DD needs to speak to her school counsellor (repeatedly) about how she feels about going to her father’s and what he is like. She needs to reiterate that she feels safer and secure with you and that she doesn’t want to go. Then maybe it will be documented that he is abusive and neglectful and then the judge will take it seriously.

Enjoy the silence! You can’t stop him being a knob and if his intransigence means he’s not up to date on school stuff, then more fool him.

Continue sending him emails to cover your arse for when he inevitably drags you back to court.

Practice indifference, it really helps.

@Fraaahnces I have no concerns other than medication for when DD is in his care, I don't want photos (well I do but more as a nice to have and see shes ok rather than a need), I don't even need to speak to him while she's there unless theres an issue. So I doubt DD would talk to anyone or say those things.

They don't have to have 2. Take it to the head, or the governors what if you were living away from family and the ex wasn't on the scene at all?

You have court papers that prove that your ex is violent and abusive. This trumps the school's needs to tick a box.

Or give them a new contact with a fake number.

OP you can’t change him. You can change your mindset. You send him FYI’s and expect no response. Only tell him what you have to because he doesn’t care and also to show your tried when he tries taking you to court again. This is him basically just being a controlling dick so stop falling for it.

All I can say is (a) keep a diary of everything
(b) hold tight . Soon they won’t want to see him

my son 15 has now refused to see his dad 🤷‍♀️

hold them tight and look after yourself too
this is tough

I have to contact him though, I should be able to get hold of him if DD has an accident and in hospital, I shouldn't have to ring his sister to then have to ring him. And I should be able to discuss arrangements like illness with him,
Of course you should be able to communicate at least on emergencies, illness and medication, the absolute basics with him. Should doesn't matter though, he has shown you clearly who he is and he's never going to communicate and he's never going to change. There is nothing you can do or say to make him communicate with you, there is nothing the court can do or say to make him communicate with you. No one can make this happen if he doesn't want it to. You're harming yourself by focusing on this and trying to change it. You are giving him space and power in your head. He sounds like the kind of person that would be hoping his behaviour is harming you like this.

Keep sending the text messages, try to call if it's an emergency. If he's abusive hang up, then text basic details only.You could screenshot your call log to show the unanswered calls and any calls you hang up because of abuse. Text him the relevant information if not already shared and then grey rock him in your mind. Your duty is to attempt to share necessary information with him, that's it. You do the right thing then you need to count him out, he doesn't exist outside his contact time with DD.