Why don't moaning grousing negging men just find someone else?

[KatyKopykat]

Why do negging, moaning, whingeing men do it? What I mean is, if they're so unhappy with their partner that they want to mould and change them, and grouse about it why don't they just sod off and find their dream woman? Instead of moaning about you looking a state, not trying hard enough, being boring or whatever it is, surely there's someone out there who floats their boat?

because they can't connect with their partner. So they need to gaslight her in to believing she is lucky and cannot do better. She can, of course.

My x did this. ''shape up or ship out'' he said to me once. OK see ya

They don’t want to pay for the divorce.

They get off on having a whipping boy.

Once past a certain age, it's quite hard for some men to find someone else. Online dating is full, absolutely chock full of not-very-nice men who aren't lookers (any more, they might have been when younger) and think negging is a normal way to approach women. I think it's some ridiculous ratio like 80% men/20% women and most of the women don't like most of the men. I very much doubt they could waltz out and find someone else, they prefer to wait to see if someone else falls for it and swap them in or just stick and be awful to the person that they've got.

Because if they moved on they wouldn't be able to wield that power any more. They want a woman to control, they enjoy that dynamic.

Every time they deliver an emotional gut punch and see their partner's crestfallen look, they get to feel like Billy big bollocks. No way a pathetic insecure little man is going to give that up

Because the 'dream woman' they yearn for wouldn't touch them with a bargepole. Either that, or she exists only in their peculiar imagination.

That's probably true. I thought that five minutes after posting the op!!!

Because what they want is someone to emotionally abuse.

This is so true!

"moaning grousing negging" is exactly how many MNers talk about their male partners. I'd like to understand better why they don't just move on, too

Personally, I think they're very insecure so they don't want to lose you because they don't feel confident they could find someone else. But they also think they should be the centre of the universe so everyone should be constantly striving to make their lives better. I repeatedly said (exasperated) "so leave me then, if I'm so awful". Sadly never happened. Also I think they don't realise you are a human and you have flaws. They think you should be a sort of perfect entity that just meets their needs.

Because they don't think they can do better, and enjoy abusing and putting down and being the big man to their partner.

They don't want an ideal partner. They want the pleasure of berating you for not being the ideal partner.

So true

Exactly this!

It’s to stop women leaving and they are incapable of feeling empathy so don’t care if they are abusive, just that they aren’t alone. Fucking pathetic.

Why do so many women do the same? I can’t remember the last time I saw anything positive on the relationships forum.

Who cares why.

They should be just left alone to do all their life jobs sulking on a couch, paying onlyfans to pretend they have an amazing penis. Whilst they live like pigs because they are above cleaning their own meal dishes.

@brunettemic the nature of the relationships board is to vent your problems. it's hardly surprising you don't see posts extolling the virtues of their partners on there.

Also before we attack women for doing the same, let's remember women are, in most cases, the primary carer of children, women still do the lions share of housework in most (not all) households, and many men refuse to get off their backsides and help with the physical or mental load of child care and housework and life admin. Not to mention women are also expected to work, look great and have a perfect house. It can be hard for women to leave husbands for financial reasons or practical reasons (single parenting is bloody tough with young children). So, no wonder many women do moan here on MN. IMO they usually get good advice: LTB!

@nachotemple sorry but I’m not attacking women for doing it and if we think it’s acceptable to “attack” men for doing it then the same applies to women. Classic example of MN double standards.

Because they need to feel superior to the woman.

Because their fragile egos cannot handle being held to any kind of standard.

Because they want the woman to think less of herself.

Because they are an arsehole.

Because familiarity breeds contempt over long periods of time. I know just as many women who barely tolerate their husbands but will never leave as they don't want to try to restart on their own or don't want to be lonely, go without money etc. surveys have shown apparently that men rarely leave an unhappy relationship unless they have another woman to go to, they will just stay put, emotionally checkout and moan about it.

@brunettemic when the societal division of labour and chores are more equal, when men help equally with household and mental load then it will be more reasonable to expect these women not to moan about their husbands.

From what I can tell the kind of men that do negging / moaning etc OP described in her OP, do little to help with the mental load and childcare, housework or whatever, or at the least it's dumped on the women's shoulders. It's like an "entitled" viewpoint. (NB I do not mean ALL men!!)

The women who are moaning on the relationships board, in the majority of cases are moaning because of the inequal nature of the mental and physical load, the lack of support etc, the passive aggressive or abusive behaviour they are subjected to, whilst also carrying the vast majority of the mental and physical load. Which is why it is understandable why they would be upset.

@nachotemple the thing is, I see a clear difference between the real world and what I see on here. DH, for example, does all the cooking (which means he does the shopping and I HATE food shopping so that works out well), the ironing, is usually first up with DCs, splits their activities (he tends to do DS and vice versa), sorts bed time stuff out etc. He’s rubbish at cleaning so even if he does that I have to do it again anyway, because all he does it somehow move dirt around without solving anything. I’m not showing off or singing his praises, that’s just how it is in our house and pretty much all our friends are like that.

Bottom line for me is the same, if men moan about their relationship and don’t do anything and that’s a bad thing then the same applies to women, which is actually more the point of the post.

Glad to hear that your family and friends are more sorted and fair. Doesn't mean that equals others' experiences though and vast swathes of social research show the opposite, one e.g. below.

https://www.theguardian.com/inequality/2018/feb/17/dirty-secret-why-housework-gender-gap

In my own experience as a single parent with a useless ex we have a completely typical dynamic: useless father, does little, leaves it all to me. Same with my own parents, and other families I know. And as I said I'm not referring to ALL men or ALL women here.

So I think it goes without saying, what you will see on MN (a predominantly woman used site) that the women on here and their complaints will tend towards their experience of this inequality. In the end it is a site where people post their PROBLEMS. you're not going to read about so and so's great husband because they don't need to post.