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Original poster

dating someone who is withdrawing

31 replies

strombola · 04/06/2023 17:45

Dating someone with complex MH issues and who has had a lot of trauma. For context, at the beginning (i.e. date 1 and 2!) I felt like he was oversharing quite a bit and it made me uncomfortable. I didn't explicitly tell him this, but I think he picked up on it and our dates became a lot lighter conversation wise which I appreciated. More recently we have chatted about more serious stuff which is totally fine as I feel like I know him more.

However, in between seeing him, he's withdrawing. Takes ages to reply to whatsapps, including on days when we vaguely had plans. I'm the kind of person who likes to know in advance what I'm doing (as otherwise I'll out with someone else, to gym etc), so find this frustrating. I don't think it's because he's going off me - although could be wrong!

Last message I got from him was him say he'd been having a bad time with depression this weekend along with some other unrelated stuff. I sent him messages saying I'd hoped he was ok, was it anything specific getting him down etc, but no reply. I don't expect to hear anything back for a couple of days now.

I'm struggling because if this was a friend I'd be calling, sending multiple messages etc, but in a newish relationship I don't want to do that.

OP posts:
PretzelVanderspling · 04/06/2023 17:56

Life is far too short for this bullshit. Get rid.

samestyle · 04/06/2023 17:58

It's not up to you to save him, sad he has MH issues, but won't be good for your sanity. I'd move on.

Original poster
strombola · 04/06/2023 17:59

thanks @PretzelVanderspling @samestyle - yes I am starting to feel like this, sad as it is

I'm especially frustrated as we slept together for the first time recently, which obviously can make you feel a bit vulnerable so this is a bad time for him to be withdrawing

OP posts:
samestyle · 04/06/2023 18:06

Him withdrawing is saying he wants distance and obviously not in the right frame of mind for a relationship ( I've also heard plenty of bs using this as an excuse) however you know him better to judge.
Him withdrawing makes it easier to end it, you're newly dating, if he is hurt by it he will soon get over it and you will with relief.

Frogger8395 · 04/06/2023 18:06

Take control back and don’t text him again.

SavBlancTonight · 04/06/2023 18:07

Best case, he genuinely has significant mental health issues and shouldn't be in a relationship.

Worst case, he's using mental health as a tactic to see how far he can push you. How supportive will you be? How long will you sit around waiting for him to be ready to see/speak to you? How accepting of him treating you badly will you be?

Either way, I think its better to walk away now rather than leaving this one to get worse over time.

supercali77 · 04/06/2023 18:40

Too early for this, he's either not in the right place to date anyone or he's using MH as a cover for flakiness. Either way, not a good start and the start is supposed to be the most exciting bit.

AssertiveGertrude · 04/06/2023 18:42

I know you have slept with him but to be honest this doesn’t sound much fun and is highly likely to become worse - you can do better if you have more faith in yourself

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 04/06/2023 18:53

Shame about his MH but I don't think this will go anywhere. He could be a lovely bloke but he just isn't in a good way for starting a new relationship- inappropriate oversharing to start with and now withdrawing. Best to write it off as you deserve more engagement and consistency but view it with no hard feelings. I'd send him a message to underline things saying 'all the best but I think best if we leave it here as I'm looking for more availability. I wish you well in your recovery'.

WateryDoom · 04/06/2023 18:58

I could not be doing with this in a new relationship.

Move on - there are people without baggage out there! Someone with 'complex MH issues and trauma' is not the person to be with.

Original poster
strombola · 04/06/2023 21:15

SavBlancTonight · 04/06/2023 18:07

Best case, he genuinely has significant mental health issues and shouldn't be in a relationship.

Worst case, he's using mental health as a tactic to see how far he can push you. How supportive will you be? How long will you sit around waiting for him to be ready to see/speak to you? How accepting of him treating you badly will you be?

Either way, I think its better to walk away now rather than leaving this one to get worse over time.

thanks yes this is pretty much summarising how I feel

I hope I'm not being really insensitive, but have experienced depression/anxiety in the past, and it would never stop me replying to someone via message if I was really into them

It's disappointing because the way he acts when we're together (and up until a couple of weeks ago) felt like he really valued and respected me. And he's previously mentioned he's worried aspects of his MH could prevent someone wanting a relationship with him.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 04/06/2023 21:17

Complex MH, trauma, ex addict (you hope)

No.

Original poster
strombola · 04/06/2023 21:18

bellac11 · 04/06/2023 21:17

Complex MH, trauma, ex addict (you hope)

No.

No addictions (well, vaping). But he definitely isn't doing his best to have a healthy lifestyle which would help his MH.

OP posts:
Original poster
strombola · 04/06/2023 21:24

ah @bellac11 was that in relation to the title/post? Sorry I meant emotionally withdrawing rather than in the medical sense!

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 04/06/2023 21:26

I would end it. If he was well enough to have sex with you he was well enough to answer your messages.

bellac11 · 04/06/2023 21:31

strombola · 04/06/2023 21:24

ah @bellac11 was that in relation to the title/post? Sorry I meant emotionally withdrawing rather than in the medical sense!

ok got you!

LemonjeIIo · 04/06/2023 21:32

God no, just no.
And is he withdrawing - how do you know?? He maybe just telling you that to see how you react to someone with drug issues, how far he can push you on it. IMO folk like this will be back on the gear and being a proper knob to their nearest and dearest.

Throw this one back in the sea...

userxx · 04/06/2023 21:32

This sounds like way too much hard work, I'd be walking away and not looking back.

goldenlocks · 04/06/2023 21:36

You sound naive OP. Why would you date someone like this?!

Twiglets1 · 04/06/2023 21:43

You sound lovely & empathetic and he sounds a bit odd, frankly, and not polite to withdraw his attention after sleeping with you.

Granted he may have mental health problems but he should be making more effort in the early days or he will never get a relationship off the ground. I would withdraw myself in your situation.

goldenlocks · 04/06/2023 21:44

Sorry, I don't mean that to sound unkind, but there are an awful lot of terrible men (if this is OLD) and you can't give too much of your valuable and finite patience to each and every knobhead you meet. This guy should have been filtered out from the moment he started to make you feel uncomfortable with the heavy talk. Try and listen to that gut instinct. Dump and move on!

Original poster
strombola · 04/06/2023 21:46

goldenlocks · 04/06/2023 21:36

You sound naive OP. Why would you date someone like this?!

I don't think I'm naive.

Personally I wouldn't necessarily rule out someone romantically just because they had trauma and PTSD, it's how they cope with it that is important. Up until this point I've felt incredibly respected and valued. When we spend time together it's lovely and he makes a huge effort, but now I'm struggling with how he's gone from being regularly in contact to sporadic messaging especially after mentioning he's having a hard time.

My dilemma was that if this was a friend, I'd be chasing them up if I thought they were disappearing because of a MH crisis. With a new relationship, it doesn't feel right I should do that.

Sadly I do agree with all the PPs though!

OP posts:
Allmadinhere · 04/06/2023 21:49

could be a personality disorder and using emotional manipulation to see how far he can push you.

Not worth it.

Mari9999 · 04/06/2023 21:54

@strombola
You way of responding to stress or depression might not be the only way or even the best way. So he might have a very different outlook and approach to handling his stress and depression.

What is right for you is to act on your awareness that you do not want to be with someone whose coping skills and approaches are so different than yours. There is no need for validation of those feelings, that just means that you are self aware. Acting in your own best interest is a very healthy way to respond.

Neither of you are right or wrong ; you are just different.

Tabitha1960 · 04/06/2023 21:59

There are hundreds of thousands of men out there for you to choose from.

This relationship is already causing you discomfort and worry after just a few dates! Why would you keep on with it?

Dump him and go and find someone who brings you carefree joy.