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Original poster

BF cancelling because ill and other issues

38 replies

thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 16:19

Hi all,

Grateful for your help with this slightly petty incident. Gentleness appreciated if possible - this sort of thing makes me feel very anxious/spiralling and I'm trying not to go crazy at bf or myself over a minor thing (hence posting here). Likely many typos - have gone to the park to get some air, so am on my mobile.

Trying to think of relevant context: we both live alone, 1 hr apart by public transport; have been together 1 year; woth work full time, partially wfh and usually spend 3/4 nights together a week; I have a cat, who I don't like to leave alone for more than 24 hours so he comes to mine slightly more often (cat is new since we first met); bf is not emotional but shows appreciation in other ways.

Final bit of context that is probably relevant even if I don't want it to be: he has never properly told me that he loves me and it's affected how secure I feel in the relationship. I said it once in person, maybe at 6 months, and he didn't reply. I eventually impulsively asked a month or so back, via text, and asked if he loved me. He took nearly 24 hours to reply 'yes', during which I was a mess. We've not talked about it, and I feel anxious even remembering it.

So, the incident:

I'm going to be away for a week from early next week, and this weekend is the last opportunity to see each other. Haven't seen each other in person since Monday.

On Wednesday we organised for him to come around mine on Friday after work. Plan was to take a train (closer from mine) to the countryside for the day on Saturday, nothing strenuous.

On Friday at 5pm, BF texted to say he was tired and going to stay at home. No apology or rearranging of plans. This morning, he announced that he felt 'a bit tired' still and 'thought' he had a sore throat and therefore needed to rest. So weekend plans cancelled. I asked if he actually wanted to see me (pathetic, but I am what I am) and he replied yes, but didn't want to make me ill. And claimed he'd been off sick on Friday.

I can't imagine cancelling plans with someone I really wanted to see over a slightly sore throat. Also why not tell me he was so sick on Friday morning if that's really the case? I feel that he's either hiding something or really can't be bothered to see me because of the distance.

I realise I'm likely being unreasonable on this occasion given that he's said ill and want to share with MN instead of arguing with him about it, so please don't be too mean! Also apologies for the length, but I hate dripfeeders too.

OP posts:
Allelbowsandtoes · 03/06/2023 16:24

Oh darling, it sounds like he's backing off a bit, maybe after you asked whether he loves you?
This may not be the case but if it is, please don't feel bad - you sound lovely and most people would be insecure if their partner of a year had never said I love you - that's very unusual.

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 03/06/2023 16:33

I don't think there's any need for an argument, but I do think there's a need for you to raise your bar. He doesn't sound keen, you are more into him than he is into you, you don't see each other that much .. I'd say cut your losses and move on.

Justcallmebebes · 03/06/2023 16:35

If I really liked someone and they were going to be away for a week, I would make a massive effort to spend time with them the weekend before they went away.

He's cancelled due to being tired and having a sore throat? Pathetic excuse. It doesn't sound as though he's that into you. Sorry, but hope you have a great holiday

TheSnowyOwl · 03/06/2023 16:46

If this is the first time he has been like this, I would give him the benefit of the doubt (I’m possibly being more lenient because of how horrendous I felt during a week of strep). However, if he isn’t making an effort to see you upon your return, I would take that as a sign that this isn’t the right relationship for you.

Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 16:47

Thanks all... tbf to him he did (eventually) say I could go to him if I wanted but it's a beautiful day to be sitting around inside and he knows I can only stay for a short time because of kitty. I can't get my head around wasting a year of someone's life... maybe because he's busy with work etc., I'm good enough for the time being.

The irony is, he def did the chasing at the beginning of the relationship. We've not been having sex as much recently. I thought it was normal, and didn't mind anyway as I have issues with uterine pain and 2x a week is plenty for me... maybe he's gone off me because I now make less of an effort with makeup and clothing when around him, and demand love. lol. :(

OP posts:
whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 03/06/2023 16:58

If you have to "make an effort" for someone to like you, then it's all wrong. It seems he's just not that into you. Let him be, and if that's not not case, he will be back. (BTW, it's easy for outsiders to see that. We never see it and never act accordingly, and it hurts like hell)

Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 17:35

I was really worried that I was overreacting, so thanks all... I just tried to set some of this out via text (as politely as possible) and got 'whatever' in reply. Have muted and look at again once I've chilled out a bit. It's hard to imagine a future with someone who makes minor things so difficult to resolve.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 03/06/2023 17:41

honestly I’d just cut my losses and dump him. If it makes you feel anxious all the time and you don’t know how he feels about you and he makes no effort then it isn’t worth your time, that’s not a fulfilling relationship. He doesn’t sound very bothered about you

Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 17:43

Sunken costs... I've just turned 34, and really don't want to get back into dating yet again. I suppose I have no option unless BF has hidden depths that are about to pop out.

OP posts:
Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 17:49

He also knows that I have a (largely now controlled) issue with self harming. I am very very aware than this can be emotionally manipulative and so never really speak about it to him, even when i want to do it, but I've self harmed before during this relationship after a similar agreement... he must have seen, but never mentioned it. Cements the sense of not caring. I can understand not wanting to be with someone like me, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 17:50

thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 17:49

He also knows that I have a (largely now controlled) issue with self harming. I am very very aware than this can be emotionally manipulative and so never really speak about it to him, even when i want to do it, but I've self harmed before during this relationship after a similar agreement... he must have seen, but never mentioned it. Cements the sense of not caring. I can understand not wanting to be with someone like me, though.

*Disagreement and apologies for triple post.

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 03/06/2023 17:54

Or why not just take at face value that he doesn't want to spoil your week away by giving you his cold

Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 17:58

fUNNYfACE36 · 03/06/2023 17:54

Or why not just take at face value that he doesn't want to spoil your week away by giving you his cold

Because colds are a fact of life, and I care more about seeing him than sniffles while on holiday. I do not take time off sick for colds, unless really bad.

OP posts:
BCBird · 03/06/2023 18:02

I don't think it is pathetic to cancel over a sore throat and being tired. He said he didnt want yo give it to u- u saud u were going away. I would say thstbid considerate. As for him.not saying he loves you I can't see an issue. I have onli been in 2 relationships. First 1 told me he loved mr after 2 months,it took decidedly longer for me to say the same to him. I had never been in love before. The second partner told me he loved me but I knew he loved being with me-not the same. After a frank discussion this was cleared up and we continued to have a wonderful time,before his untimely death. what I am saying is the pace is not always thd same for everyone. Enjoy your time together without putting unnecessary hurdles or conditions on your relationship.

Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 18:07

BCBird · 03/06/2023 18:02

I don't think it is pathetic to cancel over a sore throat and being tired. He said he didnt want yo give it to u- u saud u were going away. I would say thstbid considerate. As for him.not saying he loves you I can't see an issue. I have onli been in 2 relationships. First 1 told me he loved mr after 2 months,it took decidedly longer for me to say the same to him. I had never been in love before. The second partner told me he loved me but I knew he loved being with me-not the same. After a frank discussion this was cleared up and we continued to have a wonderful time,before his untimely death. what I am saying is the pace is not always thd same for everyone. Enjoy your time together without putting unnecessary hurdles or conditions on your relationship.

I feel like every time I've tried to talk about feelings he's dismissed me or we've argued a bit. If he'd said 'I'm so sorry, I'm feeling really ill but please come over if you don't mind/I'll try to come to you when I'm feeling OK' there would be zero issue.

OP posts:
BCBird · 03/06/2023 18:11

On your week away yiu will have space to think. Some people don't like talking about their feelings,which I know can be frustrating if it is something you want to do. Enjoy ur week away

panthermoon · 03/06/2023 18:11

Hi OP, I feel your pain. My partner also hasn’t said he loves me after a year, also cancels over colds and things. It has made me very insecure and anxious. I have recently told him I feel myself backing off emotionally from it, which is the truth. I also always expect him to dump me, even more so now. I also can’t get my head round why he’d spend so long in this limbo.

TedMullins · 03/06/2023 18:13

panthermoon · 03/06/2023 18:11

Hi OP, I feel your pain. My partner also hasn’t said he loves me after a year, also cancels over colds and things. It has made me very insecure and anxious. I have recently told him I feel myself backing off emotionally from it, which is the truth. I also always expect him to dump me, even more so now. I also can’t get my head round why he’d spend so long in this limbo.

I can’t get my head around why you’re willingly staying in this limbo and not just dumping him?

Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 18:14

BCBird · 03/06/2023 18:11

On your week away yiu will have space to think. Some people don't like talking about their feelings,which I know can be frustrating if it is something you want to do. Enjoy ur week away

thank you ❤️ I know people are different, I am trying not to assume the worst of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 18:18

TedMullins · 03/06/2023 18:13

I can’t get my head around why you’re willingly staying in this limbo and not just dumping him?

Show quote history

This is really sad. You deserve better. I don't feel quite so bad about my bf (I.e I don't feel at risk of dumping and we do generally see a fair amount of each other) but it's quite similar in some respects. I think people are right when they say outsiders can give a much more fair assessment of a relationship than those in it. Dump him, if you feel there's no hope!

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 03/06/2023 18:20

The whole point of dating is to figure out if you are compatible for long term partners. The vast majority of the time, the answer to that at some point becomes no and the relationship ends. Your anxiety and neediness and insecurity may not be qualities he is looking for in a long term partner and he is realizing they are taking a toll on him. It doesn't make anyone bad to end a relationship that is no longer working for them. This clearly isn't working for you as you are second guessing and doubting him and upset over how you perceive he is treating you and how he doesn't prioritize you in the way you want him to. Regardless of where he is at, it really doesn't make sense to stay in a relationship that takes up that much of your mental energy and fills your head with doubts. That is not the basis of a healthy relationship.

panthermoon · 03/06/2023 18:20

Because he wasn’t like that at the start, and is in some ways very loving towards me in his behaviour. It’s just there’s no certainty

supercali77 · 03/06/2023 18:25

Life is too short to be second guessing a relationship in the honeymoon phase. It's meant to be a honeymoon! You're 34 and don't want to start over but it already makes you anxious, he's not emotional, you are, how does that pan out in 10, 20 years. Or even 5 years. I say rip the plaster off

StuffLoriThangs · 03/06/2023 18:26

I actually think for the most part you are massively overthinking OP.

That being said….you both don’t sound like really young ‘uns and the fact you have been together for about a year and he hasn’t mentioned that he loves you…. It feels a bit like he is wasting your time tbh.

Original poster
thethuthinnang · 03/06/2023 18:26

Freefall212 · 03/06/2023 18:20

The whole point of dating is to figure out if you are compatible for long term partners. The vast majority of the time, the answer to that at some point becomes no and the relationship ends. Your anxiety and neediness and insecurity may not be qualities he is looking for in a long term partner and he is realizing they are taking a toll on him. It doesn't make anyone bad to end a relationship that is no longer working for them. This clearly isn't working for you as you are second guessing and doubting him and upset over how you perceive he is treating you and how he doesn't prioritize you in the way you want him to. Regardless of where he is at, it really doesn't make sense to stay in a relationship that takes up that much of your mental energy and fills your head with doubts. That is not the basis of a healthy relationship.

I have only stated my feelings around this a few times, it's definitely not a feature of our relationship (whether that's good or not is up for debate). I don't want my history of being anxious etc. to define my future... I don't feel like I really ask for much? Just some empathy, sometimes. But it does seem to be a lot to ask from my experience in dating.

OP posts: