This is long but please somebody help my sanity!!
Separated from dh a year ago, over a decade together last thing I wanted we have 2dc but his behaviour left me with no choice. Cried in and out the marriage for years and I mean cried, I wanted us to be together forever. I am early 30s.
Happy to be alone, did not want anyone upsetting me again. Developed a crush at work, butterflies, so attracted to him etc! We have flirted for the last year and had banter, I have always been confused by him, within this time he has had the odd date which crush me again, I have hinted I liked him and he teases me about it but I deny alot as I hate feeling vulnerable. He compliments me, says my humour is so attractive and STILL nothing for a year nothing could break him!!! I feel like I ticked his boxes and everyone always comments on 'us so I didn't get it.
After a year I gave up and thought no I am not liking him now if he liked me he would have gone for me by now and yes he does know i like him it's obvious! I also feel like he likes the attention from girls at work and everyone teases him about this new girl who has started and hangs around him like fly on shit. We msg jokes and he is bad at msging etc takes ages to reply or doesn't respond, fine we are mates! Last week he opened upto me and said he is damaged by his ex and gets cold feet when a girl likes him so he wants to be single, I was supportive and understanding and I felt fine, finally I thought it's him and not me and he told me I could get anyone i wanted but he didnt wanna mess things with me because we get on. Fine.
I had a works do and he told me to message him if i needed a lift home 'obviously' i did we went to his and chatted til 4am, we were drunk and i kept hiding my feelings when he asked because hes just told me he wanted to be single,what am i meant to do! Anyway i said all this to him said how can i be vulnerable when he is confused. Then he said let me take you home at 4am!! I was like omg again nothing! He then said he thought i didn't like him and would reject kissing him cuz i had batted him off and not tried it on but i said how could i after he has said all this stuff to me about being damaged. He looked abit shy. Anyway then we kissed!!! Omg finally!! So then we msgd for like 3 days in a row which is good for him and he said he wanted to kiss me etc and he admitted he is confusing. We always joke and i joked about this new girl at work as does everyone at work, the managers have had a meeting with her to say leave him.alone, she hasnt listened. Anyway felt like he went abit off after that I didnt do it bunny boilerish we always banter and he stopped replying but i have came to work and someone told me they saw him checking her out and they sat in the canteen together!! She is a decade younger than me no kids and completely his type ethnicity wise. I like him soooo much!!! I dont want to like him, its easy to say this and i cant believe another man has filled my head!! I was happy healing alone but I cant help hoe i feel, ive lost my head!! So now what i have to see him after he stopped msging, which is quite normal for him but now how do i act at being blanked and at them two getting closer 😭😭😭 how is best to handle this? I am good looking but I feel like shit and honestly waiting for his replies sent me into an anxiety. I want him to want me, he is so confusing. Can somebody disect him, is he a player or is he damaged? I feel so worthless to him and no my divorce hasnt made me insecure I am usually confident so its not about working on myself. I just want him to want me!!! Please help me understand this man