Please help me front this out

[Hibye23289]

This is long but please somebody help my sanity!!

Separated from dh a year ago, over a decade together last thing I wanted we have 2dc but his behaviour left me with no choice. Cried in and out the marriage for years and I mean cried, I wanted us to be together forever. I am early 30s.

Happy to be alone, did not want anyone upsetting me again. Developed a crush at work, butterflies, so attracted to him etc! We have flirted for the last year and had banter, I have always been confused by him, within this time he has had the odd date which crush me again, I have hinted I liked him and he teases me about it but I deny alot as I hate feeling vulnerable. He compliments me, says my humour is so attractive and STILL nothing for a year nothing could break him!!! I feel like I ticked his boxes and everyone always comments on 'us so I didn't get it.

After a year I gave up and thought no I am not liking him now if he liked me he would have gone for me by now and yes he does know i like him it's obvious! I also feel like he likes the attention from girls at work and everyone teases him about this new girl who has started and hangs around him like fly on shit. We msg jokes and he is bad at msging etc takes ages to reply or doesn't respond, fine we are mates! Last week he opened upto me and said he is damaged by his ex and gets cold feet when a girl likes him so he wants to be single, I was supportive and understanding and I felt fine, finally I thought it's him and not me and he told me I could get anyone i wanted but he didnt wanna mess things with me because we get on. Fine.

I had a works do and he told me to message him if i needed a lift home 'obviously' i did we went to his and chatted til 4am, we were drunk and i kept hiding my feelings when he asked because hes just told me he wanted to be single,what am i meant to do! Anyway i said all this to him said how can i be vulnerable when he is confused. Then he said let me take you home at 4am!! I was like omg again nothing! He then said he thought i didn't like him and would reject kissing him cuz i had batted him off and not tried it on but i said how could i after he has said all this stuff to me about being damaged. He looked abit shy. Anyway then we kissed!!! Omg finally!! So then we msgd for like 3 days in a row which is good for him and he said he wanted to kiss me etc and he admitted he is confusing. We always joke and i joked about this new girl at work as does everyone at work, the managers have had a meeting with her to say leave him.alone, she hasnt listened. Anyway felt like he went abit off after that I didnt do it bunny boilerish we always banter and he stopped replying but i have came to work and someone told me they saw him checking her out and they sat in the canteen together!! She is a decade younger than me no kids and completely his type ethnicity wise. I like him soooo much!!! I dont want to like him, its easy to say this and i cant believe another man has filled my head!! I was happy healing alone but I cant help hoe i feel, ive lost my head!! So now what i have to see him after he stopped msging, which is quite normal for him but now how do i act at being blanked and at them two getting closer 😭😭😭 how is best to handle this? I am good looking but I feel like shit and honestly waiting for his replies sent me into an anxiety. I want him to want me, he is so confusing. Can somebody disect him, is he a player or is he damaged? I feel so worthless to him and no my divorce hasnt made me insecure I am usually confident so its not about working on myself. I just want him to want me!!! Please help me understand this man

I’m sorry I don’t know how to say this gently, but as the saying goes, he’s not that into uou op. Please try to move on.

It's so clear from your post that he's using you as an ego boost. He likes your attention and flattery far more than he likes you.

Detach and step back from him. He's not some kind of demi-god, he's just a slightly cruel, shallow man. You've been through a lot, be kind to yourself

I'm too damaged for relationships.' It's what men say when they want you to bend over backwards to care for them, soothe them and make them feel good. And then, when you've done that, they'll dump you, citing that they told you they didn't do relationships.

Or maybe he just doesn’t want to date or get into a relationship with someone at work?

Thankyou for replying so fast it is hard to hear because stupid me thinks he couldn't possibly do that to me, aside from the flirting we are friends so how could he? And why dont he want me!!! I have said quite a few times he likes the attention and ego boost. So now how do I put on a face at work when I actually wanna scream at him and have to see the young girl laughing and fawning all over him and him lapping it up. How can people be so cruel to someone they get on with?? A year on and I am hurt by another boy I can't believe it 😅😅😭

You front it out by thinking 'thank fuck I'm not actually in a relationship with him'

Imagine the brain pain he'd give you! You'd be stressed over any female interaction he had no matter the level!

He doesn't need dissecting.

He's told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship. If he was into you that is the last thing he would be saying. Just take it at face value and try to move on. At work, be polite, professional and breezy. Don't gossip or engage in personal conversations with or about him or this new woman. Change the subject to work, current affairs, the weather.

I don't get why you keep asking 'why doesn't he want me?'. People don't owe it to you to want/ fancy/ love you just because you're into them. He is, as you're well aware, enjoying a bit of flattery when he should really just leave it knowing you're keen,but that doesn't mean he owes you more or needs a reason not to want you.

I think the reason I am confused about him wanting me is because he compliments me, says how funny I am tells me I could get anyone and the nothing ever follows through! So annoying and confusing.

He's saying things like this because he knows you like him and he likes having you around. Whether that's to boost his ego or because he genuinely likes you as a friend but doesn't want a romantic relationship with you - who knows?

your not stupit but he`s no into you at all try and move on .

It's so hurtful that he isn't into me even though i have said it myself men go for what they want. I just really like him and I am sick of liking him!!!! I have felt numerous times that he has led me on and confused me, ok he has never said he likes me but from what he says it seems it flirts like mad, says about my eyes etc i just dont want to think about him and yes my ego is bruised that he doesn't want me, I feel like he tries to get me to open up and confess I like him and for what and because I had been guarded I mentioned on the msgs why woukd i be round his house til 4am if i didnt like him and he seems so genuinely dumbfounded that I do, even when he asked if he could kiss me we were like nervous 12 year olds, he looked as if i was gonna reject him and he said that. I just dont know how im gonna save face now i feel so ugly and rejected and stupid 😫 just an older woman with a divorce looming and kids not surmised he is warming to the younger one and now all infront of my face!! I do feel like saying something to him but I will probably regret ir

@Hibye23289 He doesn’t sound like a nice person and actually, when you read back your post, he actions are actually really cruel.
some men are like this- they know when someone is crushing on them, they live the attention and the treat it as a game- he’s likely to do the same to the new girl too.

Beat advice, just keep it professional, this uncomfortable phrase will pass.

Some people have real attachment issues. He sounds very avoidant, that when he likes someone he stays at a distance, maybe gets close but then absolutely shuts it down because the feeling of getting closer is exactly the feeling that induces withdrawal and yukkiness in him. And you've now had a few tender moments together - bam, he can't handle more, so he's withdrawn.

Unfortunately there's never any coming back from it. He will now be into the new shiny young woman who has not yet triggered his avoidance. But she will. Just wait a bit.

You are a bit vulnerable as you want someone to like you, so this blowing hot and cold has drawn you in. You think on some deep level, you have to do work to be loved.
Sorting that out is your core emotional work. You can't sort out his work, it's not your business.

I've said this before on here but the way I have managed to reframe this stuff is by feeling the yearning and telling myself the yearning is for myself, not him - a yearning for wholeness and love and I need to give myself that love. Give yourself a hug, mentally and physically, for being able to love with that strength, and try and sort of suck it back into yourself, rather than turning it outwards to him.

*how is best to handle this? I am good looking but I feel like shit

i feel so ugly and rejected and stupid*

Congratulation yourself on having dodged a bullet. Don't make any great fuss about it. You need to have your own back here.

You really don't need to save face. Just hold your head high.

You are beautiful and a lovely person. Of course anyone would be attracted to you. Not everyone deserves to have an intimate relationship with you

He is one of those.

How do I know? I've been there.

Focus on doing things that make you feel good. Now you know that he is not one of those things, focus on the things that do make you feel good.

Anytime you notice yourself thinking about him, deliberately change that thought. Tough the first couple of times you do it , it gets easier every time you succeed.

All the best.

he has led me on and confused me

This is the clearest sign. He won't do this if he is really interested.

Sorry OP, he's not interested in taking it further with you.

It would be better if you stopped analyzing everything he says and does.

@EthicalNonMahogany

reframe this stuff is by feeling the yearning and telling myself the yearning is for myself, not him - a yearning for wholeness and love and I need to give myself that love.

absolutely, exactly this.

@Ryah76 thankyou that helped!

Thankyou i have read all your comments. I think had this new girl not come onto the scene I could accept that he is confused about what he wants as he has made it clear that his ex gave him issues but it's the fact that I feel like he is chatting to her like he used to to me and that's how I got sucked in and and the fact that he can just not reply how can people do that! As I said he has always been bad at replying and I don't expect more now that we kissed I get he is confused but he also tries to get it out of me that I like him when he knows he's confused so it's not fair on me which is what he said he didn't want to do to me. Just gonna feel a fool on Monday and that I'm not good enough for him. I will be strong and professional though because i want to engage it obviously gives me the dopamine fix

That was meant to say engaging with him gives me a fix but I cut it off 4 weeks ago with him and spoke professional and here we are again

This man just likes the thrill of the chase, move on.

Some good advice here op. Just wanted to add that feeling a mutual attraction isn't any basis for friendship.

He was never your friend. I suspect you were a challenge and once he got you hooked, he lost interest.

He's just a player.

Blimey - if this chap is this much of a thoughtless head-fuck merchant when you're not in a relationship, imagine how exhausting and stressful it would be to be in an actual relationship with him.

Also, him blaming the thoughtless head-fuckery on his ex is a massive red flag.

@Servalan 😂😂

Thankyou for the last few comments! I think I just see the good in everyone because I feel like I cam't believe he would act like this towards me even on a friendship level as we really get on and laugh with eachother alot and I also think what if he is just messed up surely that's ok as he has made me aware of this?? But I know come monday I will feel like shit when him and the new younger model are joined at the hip laughing even more!! Honestly forget Love Island, feel like I'm on Love Office 😭😅

As I said he has always been bad at replying and I don't expect more now that we kissed I get he is confused but he also tries to get it out of me that I like him when he knows he's confused so it's not fair on me which is what he said he didn't want to do to me.

He’s not confused, he knows exactly what he’s doing and probably likes the flirting stuff - gives him an ego boost.

In saying that, you’re probably not ready to be in a relationship just yet in that your boundaries seem a bit skewed. You know he doesn’t want the kind of relationship you do and you keep putting yourself in that place with him. It’s been a year, if he wanted you he’d have acted on it by now - by mooning over him you stop yourself healing and finding someone actually worthy of you.

Developed a crush at work, butterflies, so attracted to him etc! We have flirted for the last year and had banter, I have always been confused by him, within this time he has had the odd date which crush me again, I have hinted I liked him and he teases me about it but I deny alot as I hate feeling vulnerable. He compliments me, says my humour is so attractive and STILL nothing for a year nothing could break him!!! I feel like I ticked his boxes and everyone always comments on 'us so I didn't get it.

@Hibye23289 I had almost the exact same experience. I feel for you as I have been there.

This is all you need to know

You can't see it yet because your own feelings blind you but he really is not seriously interested in you and you need to move on because you will get hurt and more hurt and your confidence will be destroyed

I was in a very similar situation. A guy I worked with - let's call him G for A Guy - and I had totally insane chemistry. We flirted like mad, got on really well, because nothing happened (when we first started working together he had a long term gf) we became really good friends too. Similar intellectual level. Same job so work in common etc. The flirting became more intense. We'd go out for after work drinks together - just him and me in a casual co worker way - all the time. I lost count of the times waiters & bar staff thought we were a couple.

Eventually he split up with his gf - well dumped her is more accurate. They had been together for about 10 years and were living together. She I think was expecting to get engaged so it was a bit of a shock for her.

He then became a party man about town. Eventually we kissed - started happening regularly. I gently suggested maybe we go on a date and this was pooh poohed as not organic!

[At this point, like you, I should have got the message that this was never going to happen and my belief we were ideally suited was my belief alone. However, also like you, my starry-eyedness was in overdrive so on I plunged into the darkness]

We slept together after another drunken night out. I was all excited that finally we had moved forward 'organically' like he wanted. I assumed that this was step one in the relationship. However nothing happened. More flirting but no mention of a date or repetition. I asked him about it eventually when we were in the pub with loads of work people and he told me that he thought I wanted a relationship and he wasn't ready for that.

[Looking back now, although he wasn't the best behaved, I see that in that moment he was trying to be honest with me because he did actually like me and didn't want to hurt me. I was doing enough of that on my own. He could during that phase have slept with me whenever he wanted as I was super-keen. Yet he did try to do the right thing. Again, like a mug, I now thought, he's just split up with this long term gf, no wonder he doesn't want anything serious right now.

But yes you've got it, he didn't want anything serious with me - not just right now but ever. Still blinded by love and chemicals, on I pressed holding my bundle of hope tightly]

The remainder of this tale is more of the same as you can imagine. He remained single. I remained miserable and in love and torturing myself with fantasies of us together and what was wrong with me that he didn't want me.

Eventually he started casually sleeping with someone regularly that he was obviously really into. They shared a hobby together which I didn't. She became pregnant - unplanned but he said he wasn't unhappy about it. They are still together to this day as far as I know with two children.

The reason I am telling you all this is because what you wrote struck such a chord with me.

I ended up feeling so shit about myself. The woman he started seeing (in my eyes) wasn't a patch on me - not as attractive or successful or as interesting or funny - so this added to my feeling of worthlessness. Looking back now with the benefit of many many years experience and hindsight, I see that all of that (my looks, weight, fitness, success, income, wit) had absolutely zero to do with it. You like who you like because of lots of different things including scent, chemistry, parental imprinting, first loves and so on. It's not about worth.

If you persist down this path, you will end up feeling more shit than you do now.

My life improved when I moved to work somewhere else. If he's not leaving, then you should.

TLDR: I had a very similar experience to the OP, I see now it was very clear he wasn't into me at all for reasons that were nothing to do with me but his free choice. She should get away from him as she's too obsessed.