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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Childhood trauma

34 replies

Sarfar45 · 02/06/2023 18:45

Sorry if this rambling, over the last few months I've been trying to get things clear in my head.
Looking back my childhood wasn't the best, my mum was very bad at showing affection especially as we got older. She also find relationships easier with grandchildren when they are little. I remember her being angry a lot.
My dad left when I was 3 but I continued to have regular contact and he was involved. Saw him at least once or twice in the week and at weekends.
My mum married my stepdad when I was 7. My step dad has recently been diagnosed with Asd when he was 65, when I was told it made a lot of sense. But doesn't excuse him being abusive to me my sister and mum. He would regularly have melt downs and we all got the brunt. Life was very stressful for my mum as she tried to keep everyone happy. Obviously this was impossible and we were left to our own devices a lot, they both drank quiet a lot. I was quite wild as a teenager and couldn't wait to leave home.
Since then we've bumbled along. I always feel a lot of guilt around telling my mum things and have felt very criticised. After the criticism she will quickly say how wonderful I am or text/email as she finds that easier.
Since my stepdads diagnosis she is trying to process everything and I think deep down feels very guilty she didn't leave him. Saying she should have protected us and has a lot of regret.
Recently she has been very critical of my dh, it really pissed me off and I've pulled her up on it. She said I married him because I'm damaged by my childhood which she feels bad about. My dh isn't perfect and we've had ups and downs but we actually have a good relationship and have raised 2 pretty well adjusted happy kids, and we all have a good relationship and actually enjoy spending time together. I usually talk to my dh about everything but obviously this is tricky!
She says we are both very defensive, and can't really understand why it's not acceptable for her to say these things. I get lots of text emails checking I'm ok.
It's all brought up so much stuff and I'm really not sure how to process it all. I can't undo the past and neither can she.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarfar45 · 02/06/2023 19:36

Maybe I'm not really making sense, but just coming to the realisation that maybe a lot of stuff was quite abusive and in someways still is.
I'm not sure how to go forward I feel like I've got a huge ball in my chest from something that happened this week. I can't say exactly because it would be very outing

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 02/06/2023 21:55

Can I ask, why you still have so much contact with her if she is still so critical and negative? Must be horrible to feel like she is still hurting you.

Do you think there is anything to her comments about your relationship? Or is it something she says to be unkind?

Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 10:37

Weallgottachangesometime · 02/06/2023 21:55

Can I ask, why you still have so much contact with her if she is still so critical and negative? Must be horrible to feel like she is still hurting you.

Do you think there is anything to her comments about your relationship? Or is it something she says to be unkind?

I do want to have a relationship with her and try and make it better, probably not the best thing. Maybe thats stupid but I don't think I can do no contact. I can't bear the thought of her feeling like she buggered her whole life up.
I think she projecting her relationship with my step dad on to me and my dh. I'm happy with dh, we have on the whole a good relationship, where we can talk about thing.
She just kept saying I'm damaged because of my childhood. Which I am! What does she want me to do with that ? I can't change the past neither can she. She has apologised.
She needs to get her head around that without making me feel like shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 10:41

I hate feeling like this and just want it all to go away at the moment.
I'm meant to be going over there today as I said yesterday I don't feel welcome at their house since my stepdad's diagnosis. I shouldn't have said I would.

OP posts:
TammyJones · 03/06/2023 10:45

Please take a pause.
Cancel today but make a polite excuse.
Bit under the weather etc.
then start to have a good think about exactly what you want.
What makes you happy.
You want contact- great but accept you can not change her.
The only way for this ti work is very firm boundaries- which will be very hard - but unless you do you will have her forever pushing your buttons.

Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 10:49

What do you want?

Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 10:52

She wants me to tell her I'm angry about the past. To be honest I want to just move on. If i want to talk to someone I will talk to dh or maybe get counselling. I did have some nhs counselling but didn't find it very helpful.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 10:53

When you say you want to move on, does that mean within yourself (i.e. 'I just want these pesky emotions to stop') or within your relationship with your mum (i.e. 'I don't want to talk to her about it any more')?

Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 10:58

Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 10:49

What do you want?

I wish she would get treatment for anxiety and realise by keeping on talk about how shit everything was isn't really helping me or my sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 11:01

Because my stepdad has Asd he is very hard to talk to. I feel really sad she has no one to talk to.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 11:03

OK, well, you're not damaged, for a start. You're fine. You just need to start respecting your feelings, and develop some boundaries.

You are an adult. This means, not that you don't need parents anymore, but that you are old enough to parent yourself. It's not your mother's job, or anybody else's, to 'help' you have a happy/good/easy/contented life: It's your job, now. You have to look after you, just like you would look after a child. You are 100% responsible for yourself. You have to do things in the way you would do things for a child. Healthy food, sensible bedtimes, good work/play ratio, and healthy company. If your child was spending time with someone who made them feel bad, you'd try to encourage them to limit that, right? You wouldn't encourage them to try to change that person into someone who made them feel good?

Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 11:04

I'm not sure anymore what I want. I want to feel less anxious and more confident.
I find it really difficult and I hate the thought of her being upset and on her own.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 11:07

Anxiety comes for children when they don't have faith that they will be adequately taken care of, emotionally, by their parents, when things go wrong.

Anxiety comes for adults when they don't have faith that they will be adequately taken care of, emotionally, by themselves, when things go wrong.

What would happen if your mum became 'optimally' upset, and was on her own? What would be the result of that, ultimately?

Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 11:12

Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 11:03

OK, well, you're not damaged, for a start. You're fine. You just need to start respecting your feelings, and develop some boundaries.

You are an adult. This means, not that you don't need parents anymore, but that you are old enough to parent yourself. It's not your mother's job, or anybody else's, to 'help' you have a happy/good/easy/contented life: It's your job, now. You have to look after you, just like you would look after a child. You are 100% responsible for yourself. You have to do things in the way you would do things for a child. Healthy food, sensible bedtimes, good work/play ratio, and healthy company. If your child was spending time with someone who made them feel bad, you'd try to encourage them to limit that, right? You wouldn't encourage them to try to change that person into someone who made them feel good?

Thank you.
I've told her I'm not coming over today as I'm not feeling great and have a headache. She already text to I hope your ok?? And now phoned me but I didn't answer.
I can't get my head around whether to tell her I'm feeling shit or not. Or will that make it worse.
I know it's not my job to make her happy but it's very hard not to feel so sad about it all.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 11:16

It's ok to feel sad. Sometimes things are sad. Sometimes it rains. That's fine. Life isn't always brilliant.

You have to work out what will be best for you going forward. Can you cope with just seeing her once a week? Once a fortnight? Once a year? You are currently choosing to put yourself in the company of someone who upsets you. You don't have to do this, and you are responsible only for yourself.

Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 11:17

What do you want to tell her? This is about you.

TammyJones · 03/06/2023 11:25

Well done
You're bound ti feel a bit sad.
But this WILL pass
I absolutely promise.
Now go do something you absolutely love.
You're right rehashing the past won't change it.
It now that matters.
When you're mental in a good place you'll be better able to keep your boundaries in place and have a healthy relationship with your mum.

TammyJones · 03/06/2023 11:26

**mentally I mean.

Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 11:26

I want to tell her that there were things that were shit but talking about them now isn't helping. I don't want to talk about. She said sorry that's fine I want to move on.

She booked something for my birthday for us to go to together but asked me about 10 times if I wanted to take someone else. I thought because of this she didn't really want to go and it wasn't really her cup of tea anyway! In the end I asked a friend to go instead of her, she was upset by this and said she was really looking forward to it 🤯
My brain just feels mashed! Am I the bad one for asking someone else after her continuously asking me if I wanted to take someone else ? My dh thinks my mum is being awful.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 11:34

There's no such thing as 'being the bad one'. There are no rules. We all have to do what we need to do to have a comfortable life. Anybody who continually stands in the way of that cannot be regarded as someone who is on our side.

I want to tell her that there were things that were shit but talking about them now isn't helping. I don't want to talk about. She said sorry that's fine I want to move on

Write this down and send it to her. An email, a text. Tell her that it's really important to you, and that you need to start making your feelings clear, in order that she fully understands that it makes you feel worse, not better. Tell her that you can't continue with the relationship as it is, and that you won't put up with her continually doing something that makes you feel bad.

You are an adult. You don't have to 'be good'. You have to respect yourself, and that means respecting your feelings.

Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 11:57

TammyJones · 03/06/2023 11:25

Well done
You're bound ti feel a bit sad.
But this WILL pass
I absolutely promise.
Now go do something you absolutely love.
You're right rehashing the past won't change it.
It now that matters.
When you're mental in a good place you'll be better able to keep your boundaries in place and have a healthy relationship with your mum.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 12:00

Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 11:34

There's no such thing as 'being the bad one'. There are no rules. We all have to do what we need to do to have a comfortable life. Anybody who continually stands in the way of that cannot be regarded as someone who is on our side.

I want to tell her that there were things that were shit but talking about them now isn't helping. I don't want to talk about. She said sorry that's fine I want to move on

Write this down and send it to her. An email, a text. Tell her that it's really important to you, and that you need to start making your feelings clear, in order that she fully understands that it makes you feel worse, not better. Tell her that you can't continue with the relationship as it is, and that you won't put up with her continually doing something that makes you feel bad.

You are an adult. You don't have to 'be good'. You have to respect yourself, and that means respecting your feelings.

This is all so helpful thank you

I've written a text saying I felt very upset about her reaction yesterday. I appreciated her apologising about the past but wanted to move on from it and it wasn't helping me to keep going over it.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 12:08

The thing is, her feelings will always have come first, even when you were tiny. You have been trained to de-prioritise them. There's a little tiny 'you' inside you, the bit of you that feels 'mashed' by all this, the bit of you that posted here, where you feel you can talk freely and be heard... this little 'you' has never been listened to, all your life. She's never been encouraged or put first, she's never been supported, or even been allowed to relax and be herself. She has never grown up. She has been increasingly upset all your life, and is now, finally, starting to speak out, but you feel terrible when you listen to her, because your eternal priority (your mum) has to be relegated to second place.

But that part of you that never got heard; that's your heart. That's the real you. That's who you actually are. If you don't listen to and respect her, she will never settle, and the main news is that she is the part of you that does 'happy', so if she doesn't settle, you won't have a happy life. It's time to start taking care of her. She's asking you to, and it sounds like you're listening to her, and respecting her. There's a part of you that feel huge relief that you're not going to visit your mum on this occasion, right? That's her. You have done the right thing by her.

She is your healthy boundaries. And that's why I said that you're not damaged. Your boundaries are right there inside you, informing you about what's best for you and what won't help you. It's time to listen.

Alcemeg · 03/06/2023 12:16

I love your posts, @Watchkeys. I've learned a lot of this stuff over the years, but the way you express it is priceless. That bit about anxiety in adults StarStarStarStarStar

Comtesse · 03/06/2023 12:26

Your mum sounds manipulative and overwhelming.

Who care what she wants? You are allowed to say “no I don’t want to talk about that thanks”. that is entirely legitimate!