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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Childhood trauma

34 replies

Sarfar45 · 02/06/2023 18:45

Sorry if this rambling, over the last few months I've been trying to get things clear in my head.
Looking back my childhood wasn't the best, my mum was very bad at showing affection especially as we got older. She also find relationships easier with grandchildren when they are little. I remember her being angry a lot.
My dad left when I was 3 but I continued to have regular contact and he was involved. Saw him at least once or twice in the week and at weekends.
My mum married my stepdad when I was 7. My step dad has recently been diagnosed with Asd when he was 65, when I was told it made a lot of sense. But doesn't excuse him being abusive to me my sister and mum. He would regularly have melt downs and we all got the brunt. Life was very stressful for my mum as she tried to keep everyone happy. Obviously this was impossible and we were left to our own devices a lot, they both drank quiet a lot. I was quite wild as a teenager and couldn't wait to leave home.
Since then we've bumbled along. I always feel a lot of guilt around telling my mum things and have felt very criticised. After the criticism she will quickly say how wonderful I am or text/email as she finds that easier.
Since my stepdads diagnosis she is trying to process everything and I think deep down feels very guilty she didn't leave him. Saying she should have protected us and has a lot of regret.
Recently she has been very critical of my dh, it really pissed me off and I've pulled her up on it. She said I married him because I'm damaged by my childhood which she feels bad about. My dh isn't perfect and we've had ups and downs but we actually have a good relationship and have raised 2 pretty well adjusted happy kids, and we all have a good relationship and actually enjoy spending time together. I usually talk to my dh about everything but obviously this is tricky!
She says we are both very defensive, and can't really understand why it's not acceptable for her to say these things. I get lots of text emails checking I'm ok.
It's all brought up so much stuff and I'm really not sure how to process it all. I can't undo the past and neither can she.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarfar45 · 03/06/2023 13:06

Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 12:08

The thing is, her feelings will always have come first, even when you were tiny. You have been trained to de-prioritise them. There's a little tiny 'you' inside you, the bit of you that feels 'mashed' by all this, the bit of you that posted here, where you feel you can talk freely and be heard... this little 'you' has never been listened to, all your life. She's never been encouraged or put first, she's never been supported, or even been allowed to relax and be herself. She has never grown up. She has been increasingly upset all your life, and is now, finally, starting to speak out, but you feel terrible when you listen to her, because your eternal priority (your mum) has to be relegated to second place.

But that part of you that never got heard; that's your heart. That's the real you. That's who you actually are. If you don't listen to and respect her, she will never settle, and the main news is that she is the part of you that does 'happy', so if she doesn't settle, you won't have a happy life. It's time to start taking care of her. She's asking you to, and it sounds like you're listening to her, and respecting her. There's a part of you that feel huge relief that you're not going to visit your mum on this occasion, right? That's her. You have done the right thing by her.

She is your healthy boundaries. And that's why I said that you're not damaged. Your boundaries are right there inside you, informing you about what's best for you and what won't help you. It's time to listen.

This makes total sense and really helps to make it clear @Watchkeys thank you.
I'm definitely going to start trusting myself and working on this.
I've done a referral for nhs counselling (huge wait i think) does anyone have any books I could read in the meantime?

OP posts:

Whataretalkingabout · 03/06/2023 13:22

Your wisdom and genuine empathy for others is priceless @Watchkeys .

Are you a therapist ? A writer ? An Internal Family Systems specialist?
Your advice is poignant and helpful to so many.

TammyJones · 03/06/2023 13:37

@Watchkeys
Agreed with PP
I've never heard the inner child described in this way.
It really hits home for me.
Op I did some CBT which was really helpful, but I think if you can grasp exactly what @Watchkeys has written, really graph it, with your already insightful self awareness you're going to feel a lot better , in a very short space of time.

Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 18:23

I'm glad it's helpful, @Whataretalkingabout

I had a really good counsellor a few years ago who helped me to understand things the way I've phrased it above. I realised suddenly that I am a fully grown human and I am 100% responsible for taking care of, and getting the best out of me. I was walking along the street when it hit me, and my knees nearly gave way, I hadn't realised until that self respect meant actually respecting yourself, in exactly the same way you respect other people, for who they are and what they do.

The counselling was expensive. I'm glad to share what I learned for free, and I'm really glad it's helpful. I was lucky to be able to afford it at that time, and it changed my life.

Alcemeg · 03/06/2023 20:16

Splendid. Love you @Watchkeys 😘

OP, nothing to add. You know what to do. We all do, deep down! Just have to listen. X

Original poster

Sarfar45 · 06/06/2023 11:52

Thanks everyone. I'm having a few wobbles, and feel really sad about it on and off.
Trying to do nice things for myself and trying to remind myself it's not my job to fix my mum. I think I feel saddest that she's only realising these things later in life.
I've started an audiobook book about self esteem and it really rings true! It gives you little things to work on or think about at the end of each chapter.
I can't decide whether to go back on anxiety meds or whether I can work through this without them. Feel stressed about going to my birthday thing without her, only reason for this being I know she will be feeling rubbish about it. But maybe she should!

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 06/06/2023 11:54

What would you do for a person that you held in high self esteem, right now, if they were in your situation? What would you say to them?

That's all you need to keep in mind. Your own self esteem will flourish. Self esteem isn't something you have, it's something you do.

Paperbagsaremine · 06/06/2023 12:06

"I know you mean well Mum, but for now at least, I don't want to discuss X"

"Don't beat around the bush Mum, do you want to go or not? You do realise that someone who wants to go wouldn't ask 5000 times if I want to take somebody else!"

"I love you Mum, but in the nicest way, you're being a silly moo right now"

"I know you're anxious about this Mum but you're not being reasonable."

You're not alone OP, a lot of people have parents who are slightly tricky (and worse), usually due to their own difficult childhoods.

I learned a lot by observing friends and colleagues and how they used boundaries and diplomacy. A lot can be boiled down to simple adages like,
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"
"You can't fix stupid"
"Do as you would be done by" (and, I would add, don't accept being treated worse than you would treat someone else!)
"Least said, soonest mended"
And general practice in stopping and thinking before reacting. In fact, NOT reacting at all can be a hugely useful skill!!

Misstrauma · 28/01/2024 14:42

Ok as someone who's biological Mum abandoned them. I can tell you right now what's going on, your mum feels guilty and is trying now to be a Mum. But she's also putting you down as she thinks you'll need her and she can mother you. Best thing to do get a jotter, write what she says that bothers you when it does. Write how your days been when not hearing from her. Trust me you'll realise you're happier without. I had a friend similar motives to your mum, and she would make me feel crap to the point she would have me stop talking to ppl who had been in my life longer as her, we have fell out now. But my life has become great since doing so. I look back and see she was controlling me.

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