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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stuck in the middle of huge falling out in friendship group

32 replies

Middleofitall · 02/06/2023 09:24

I have a close group of friends (4 of us). There’s been a massive falling out and the group has split.

I feel like not only am I supporting someone else through this but I’ve lost 2 people i thought were really good friends/nice people.

If I’m person A, (married 2 dc part time work) then the situation is :

Friend B- married , big family, was part time self employed and DH works
Friend C-single works full time 2 dc
Friend D -married , 3 dc works part time , Dh works full time

We’ve all been friend for 15 years ! All been fine. Had a WhatsApp group (this is where the problem was outed)

Friend B has MH issues and 2 of her dc have SEN. As a group we’ve been supportive and everyone is fully aware how difficult things are for her.
She’s had a crisis lately and gave up work.

Turns out that Friend c and d weren’t happy about this . We were all chatting one evening on WA and a message came through . Clearly c and d were having a parallel WA conversation and accidently put a message on the group chat. It was deleted but too late . Basically saying why have so many kids if you have problems and it’s not up to us to support emotionally and practically for all these years now to have to also through our taxes support financially. Really unkind.

Of course it all blew up and then they were messaging me to say ‘well dont you agree?’ And when I said no it turned to ‘well C has to manage as a single parent ‘ etc etc . Next thing me and friend B are removed off the WA group .

Im angry because they know the full extent of how difficult things are for B and I feel like now I have lost 2 people I thought were lovely and they’ve been horrible. B can’t exactly send her dc back can she ! They are judging her for decisions she made before her MH deteriorated. I now have B in a terrible state and I’m really having to support her a lot as she is so upset .

I don’t know how to move on I guess I need to make some new friends but this has really shocked me

OP posts:
cansu · 02/06/2023 09:27

C and d were caught out being nasty. I would not give them a second thought. They sound really unpleasant.

ZekeZeke · 02/06/2023 09:27

C and D are two bitchy wagons, you are well rid of them from your friendship group.
God knows what they say behind your back!

Original poster
Middleofitall · 02/06/2023 09:31

It did make me think what’s been said about me as well … I just feel a bit lost really almost like when my dm passed and I kept going to call her then remembering I couldn’t. Twice I’ve gone to message something and thought ‘oh I can’t now’ I know it’s not an actual loss but I do feel like they weren’t what I thought and i feel a bit lonely !
Im sure once B is feeling better things will be ok And I’m not resenting supporting her but alone it’s hard although she also has a good family network. She’s just burnt out I think

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 02/06/2023 09:32

C and Ds message was unkind and not something you'd expect from friends. If they want to think that sort of thing and discuss it amongst themselves, that's up to them.

I can totally sympathise with the point that sometimes it can be hard, draining and not that fun to support a friend through tough times, especially when mental health / DC / leaving work etc is all involved. It depends how much emotional / practical support they've given over the years and if they no longer feel they can do it.

But to me - that's sort of what friends are for!

Sending unkind messages to the group / each other isn't nice at all and especially if it's going to be seen by the friend having hard times.

Paperlate · 02/06/2023 09:35

Block C and D and move on. Who want's people like them in their lives?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 02/06/2023 09:35

All sounds a bit petty. People are allowed to vent and say things that aren’t for your ears, the mistake they made was putting it on the wrong what’s app group in error. Even the kindest and most tolerant people can sound off and have a vent sometimes. I’d say what’s more important is how they treated her. Show me someone who says they’ve never had a blowing off steam about someone behind their back and I’ll show you a liar. Of course you’re perfectly entitled not to be able to get past it and end the friendship with C and D if you want.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 02/06/2023 09:40

Well, c & d obviously aren’t wrong, sucks that the messages went to the chat.
Just spend time with them seperatly and don’t take sides, it will clear out one way or another.

If b demand taking sides, she’s no friend and pretty toxic.
Tbh she sound exhausting, is she actually a friend to others, or does she just take,take,take?

nobodysdaughternow · 02/06/2023 09:43

I think there's two things:

Friends c & d views of disability and getting benefits is completely incompatible with friend b's situation. It's also ironic because as a single parent, friend c will also get benefits which come from 'taxpayers'.

Secondly, be careful of how much you let friend b lean on you. You have your own life too and there is aa risk it will spoil your friendship. Just keep healthy boundaries.

Ultimately, friends c&d are not very bright and not very kind.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 02/06/2023 09:45

It's also ironic because as a single parent, friend c will also get benefits which come from 'taxpayers'.

how do you know that? She might earn too much.

Paperlate · 02/06/2023 09:45

I couldn't be friends with people like C and D. At least you know what they are really like now.

Paperlate · 02/06/2023 09:47

I'd leave C and D to their Daily Mail opinions and find some decent friends.

nobodysdaughternow · 02/06/2023 09:47

TooOldForThisNonsense · 02/06/2023 09:45

It's also ironic because as a single parent, friend c will also get benefits which come from 'taxpayers'.

how do you know that? She might earn too much.

True. But if she earns well then why is she worried about her taxes (and in reality most taxes go towards roads, NHS etc) helping parents with disabled children?

Original poster
Middleofitall · 02/06/2023 09:48

To be fair to them they have supported her a lot but it just seems now that they were probably being unkind behind her back

OP posts:
Haywirecity · 02/06/2023 09:56

It wasn't nice of them but you never know what trigger point one of them reached in giving support to B. And you never know what B might have said to one of them to cause it to kick off. Then before you know it, they're having a mutual gossip. It doesn't mean that that's their permanent position, just what they felt at the time. Of course, once it's said, it's hard to row back and then they end up cutting contact. If they were better friends they'd explain why they said it and apologise. But maybe they're not sorry because people with mental health problems can be very draining, particularly if it goes on for a long time. I speak as someone with MH issues and I know how hard work other people can find me to be.

Myfavouritecolourisanimalprint · 02/06/2023 10:24

C&D are probably mortified and too embarrassed at being caught to apologise, so they've doubled down on being arseholes instead. I'm sure we all discuss people behind their backs, though hopefully not all of us are that judgemental and bitchy about supposed friends. It's awful being in the middle, hopefully you can all get past it one day, that's if you want to. I've had long-term friends turn out not to be the people I thought they were, and it's so disappointing

SummerInSun · 02/06/2023 10:31

Maybe - just maybe - I could forgive C and D if, as others have said, they were feeling overwhelmed by B's needs and having a vent. But only if when caught out they were massively contrite and apologetic. This trying to force you to agree with both of them - in effect making you hang up on B - is cowardly and the blocking you both is pathetic. As PP said, I assume they are mainly hugely embarrassed but instead of doing the mature thing and acknowledging that and apologising they are behaving like badly brought up children. Also as a PP said, add this behaviour on top of their original views, I'd agree they aren't very bright.

I'm really sorry your friendship group has blown up over this though.

lavenderlou · 02/06/2023 10:33

I think if C&D had just apologised and left it at that you would be able to salvage a friendship with them. But to remove you from the group because you disagreed with them makes me think you are better off without them.

Beautiful3 · 02/06/2023 10:35

C and D were being nasty. They got caught out. I'd still be friends with them if they messaged. I wouldn't take sides. But they asked you directly if you agreed, you told your truth, no. You did nothing wrong. When I left my job to be a sahm, so many friends from school stopped speaking to me. They wanted me to go back to work, and not claim tax credits. They took it very personally. Which I thought was very werid of them. As my husband still.worked full.time. Give them time, they may realise the error of their ways. It may take a year, but leave it open. Alot of people are anti benefits, until of course they need them. No-one has a perfect life, at certain times we rely on them until we can go back to work.

BeverlyHa · 02/06/2023 10:36

It is hard when you think people are the true friends but seems they had you and the lady with the problems just for the fun stuff. True friends are meant to love you and support you no matter what, even though if they need to make clear to you , that someone needs boundaries. I will be happy they showed their true faces and offer support to the mum with the kids with SEN. Having kids with SEN< depending on the type of SEN is not a joke and is not a fun phare

BeverlyHa · 02/06/2023 10:38

I am very low maintenance as expectations from people who just want to play with me, but I really thrive in deepest, truest relations, this is why someone showing their real face as being nasty will actually relieve me, because it is the truth. is there anything better than truth ....

CleanCar · 02/06/2023 11:08

The trash just took itself out. Move on. Theyve done you a favour. You sound a great friend 💐

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/06/2023 11:21

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 02/06/2023 09:40

Well, c & d obviously aren’t wrong, sucks that the messages went to the chat.
Just spend time with them seperatly and don’t take sides, it will clear out one way or another.

If b demand taking sides, she’s no friend and pretty toxic.
Tbh she sound exhausting, is she actually a friend to others, or does she just take,take,take?

Yes, sounds like B is the one draining the group.

frozendaisy · 02/06/2023 11:40

I really dislike people who start with "I'm supporting you directly with MY taxes"

It's daily mail nonsense.

It can be difficult, complicated, with a bunch of kids some with SEN needs, some not, but teaching kids and adults to have patience, kindness and accommodating others who find things difficult is not a bad lesson to learn. Our kids are growing into young gentlemen by having had to show these qualities.

So venting off can be forgiven and perhaps a bit of a reset of all your energies and interactions.

I would let the dust settle for a few days.

If all your children are friends they will ask why haven't we seen x? And as grown adults you shouldn't let your relationships change the children's friendships.

One step at a time OP. Try not to stress it will resolve itself.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/06/2023 11:50

C & D aren't proper friends if they are bitching about other people behind their backs. 2 faced!

MayThe4th · 02/06/2023 12:59

C & D aren't proper friends if they are bitching about other people behind their backs. 2 faced! everyone talks about others behind their back at some point. Without exception. Anyone who says they’ve never talked behind someone’s back is lying.

They don’t necessarily have to be constantly bitching but everyone has moments where a friend or family member has done something which has annoyed them and they need to vent.

Constantly supporting someone through their problems can be exhausting. And we don’t know the extent of the support she’s asking for. It’s entirely possible that they’ve had enough. And they haven’t said it to her, they’ve been talking to each other, or is no-one ever allowed to feel exhausted if someone is having a hard time. Life doesn’t work like that.

OP the fact that the opinions ended up on the wrong group aside, do C and D have a point? Be honest with yourself.