Stuck in the middle of huge falling out in friendship group

[Middleofitall]

I have a close group of friends (4 of us). There’s been a massive falling out and the group has split.

I feel like not only am I supporting someone else through this but I’ve lost 2 people i thought were really good friends/nice people.

If I’m person A, (married 2 dc part time work) then the situation is :

Friend B- married , big family, was part time self employed and DH works
Friend C-single works full time 2 dc
Friend D -married , 3 dc works part time , Dh works full time

We’ve all been friend for 15 years ! All been fine. Had a WhatsApp group (this is where the problem was outed)

Friend B has MH issues and 2 of her dc have SEN. As a group we’ve been supportive and everyone is fully aware how difficult things are for her.
She’s had a crisis lately and gave up work.

Turns out that Friend c and d weren’t happy about this . We were all chatting one evening on WA and a message came through . Clearly c and d were having a parallel WA conversation and accidently put a message on the group chat. It was deleted but too late . Basically saying why have so many kids if you have problems and it’s not up to us to support emotionally and practically for all these years now to have to also through our taxes support financially. Really unkind.

Of course it all blew up and then they were messaging me to say ‘well dont you agree?’ And when I said no it turned to ‘well C has to manage as a single parent ‘ etc etc . Next thing me and friend B are removed off the WA group .

Im angry because they know the full extent of how difficult things are for B and I feel like now I have lost 2 people I thought were lovely and they’ve been horrible. B can’t exactly send her dc back can she ! They are judging her for decisions she made before her MH deteriorated. I now have B in a terrible state and I’m really having to support her a lot as she is so upset .

I don’t know how to move on I guess I need to make some new friends but this has really shocked me

Don't get involved, stay friends with all of them. If there's no longer a group chat, so be it.

Having a friend with MH issues can be really draining, especially if your own life is a bit tough and you just want some light hearted relief occasionally. They may have expressed it clumsily and sending the message to the wrong chat was a very unfortunate error, but that doesn't make them bad people.

And in the kindest way, don't let friend B become overly reliant on you.

Show me someone who says they’ve never had a blowing off steam about someone behind their back and I’ll show you a liar.

That wasn't 'blowing off steam' -- 'blowing off steam' might be something like 'I'm finding X a bit hard work at the moment, which I realise is unfair, as she's dealing with a lot'.

I can honestly say I have absolutely never said, to a friend's face or behind their back, that they should have had fewer children, or that my taxes support their lifestyle. That is a profoundly unpleasant, hostile and mean-spirited thing to say, and goes way beyond 'blowing off steam'.

You have just seen their true colours.

You have a few choices

1. Let them have their own opinion and remain friends on the understanding that you will never join in with this kind of thing and will still be friends with B

2. Cut them off deciding that you can’t trust them whatsoever.

3. Ask them to meet up and explain why this is so damaging to B and they have the opportunity to apologise to B if they want to.

Mostly, I would feel I had dodged a bullet, they sound emotionally immature and unkind.

Honestly, and maybe I'm just more judgemental than some of the saints on mn, I would probably be thinking as c&d in certain circumstances. If, for example, b chose to have 8 kids and kept on having kids knowing her older ones had sen then my sympathy would be limited. People need to take responsibility for the situations they create.

Just be careful b doesn't become overly reliant on you. It sounds like she has needed a lot of support from the 3 of you, this would be worse if its all on your shoulders.

And I guarantee things have been said about your. You've had a lucky swerve from these specimens.

She has had a mental health crisis and your friends don't think she is entitled to take time off work to recover?

That is rediculous. They sound awful.

Leave them to it and go find new friends.

How many kids does b have? I don't understand why they removed you both from the group chat when they already have a chat between them. Seems very petty and I wouldn't be friends with them.