AIBU Husband arranged for mum to come over

[HopeG]

Hi everyone,

This week my husband has been doing volunteering every night after work as he has a big project for our church that finishes on Sunday.

His dad was going to be visiting us Thursday to Friday to help with building some fencing in our garden and I thought my husband was going to be out on the Saturday working on this project at the church.

Because of this I had thought I would take our son (5-year-old) out for the day on Saturday - maybe to a lovely local park. I was looking forward to this as I have had to work all half term so haven’t got to see him much when I know other mums are off.

Yesterday his dad called to say he couldn’t come over to help with the fencing this week. It means my husband is now free on Saturday as he is spending the two days his dad was going to be here working on the voluntary project.

My husband’s mum then video called me to speak to our son last night and told him she was coming over on Saturday!

I texted my husband who was out volunteering and he said he had forgotten to broach it with me as he has been busy and he was sure we could work something out.

This morning I asked my husband if there was any possibility he could ask his mum (and Nan who she is apparently bringing) to come over on Sunday afternoon after we go to church so I (we) could still spend the day with our son on Saturday.

My husband flew off the handle saying it wasn’t ok, it was embarrassing to ask his mum to change the day, how he’d do it if it was my parents etc.

I admit I really struggle with his Mum and can find her quite domineering and rude sometimes so it’s not the easiest of relationships with her.

I don’t know what to do :-(

I don’t understand the issue if your husband is free on the Saturday. Can’t he stay at home to host his mum since he invited her over?

Just tell him you’ve already made plans to take your son out that day and go! Your son deserves that time with you and your DH should be prioritising his needs. He can’t expect you to stay at home and play hostess if he’s not even going to have the decency to check if you’re already busy!

Thank you @Blueberry40 The issue is his mum is coming over to see our 5-year-old son as the star attraction 🤣 not my husband.

Clearly his mum is an issue and he knows it, if he had to 'broach the subject' with you... and couldn't pluck up the courage to do so.

I would also go out, early. Perhaps overnight Friday night if you can. Just to give your husband the message that he cannot just walk all over you, your time and your wishes.

Yes and?

Your 5yr old already has plans that his dad cannot just change without consultation. There is clear manipulation here which you need to stand up to otherwise you become the expected doormat.

Your husband's reaction makes it look like he is trying to control the conversation; it's a bullying tactic to fly off the handle when you're partner wants something different to what you want. Stand your ground. You made plans with your son already and grandma can visit him on Sunday.

I would ring her and just say OH let you know shes popping round Saturday but you're going to be out and would she prefer to come Sunday. Puts it in her court then.

That’s fine darling, it’s just ds and I will be going to the park, but instead of the whole day we will go for either the morning or the afternoon so he sees his grandma. So you will have to entertain your mum the rest of the time. Honestly I know church is very important but sometimes I need to remind you that so are we, your family, and you don’t get to be out every night and too busy to mention to me the plans you’ve made and then expect me to cancel my plans with our child.

Were you going to be at the park all-day? I get that you don't like his mum and he is busy, bug the park is jbky a shortish thing isn't it?

Sounds like a storm in a teacup to me. You could sort this out if you wanted to really. Trips to the park and mother's visits can be done on the same day, even at the same time.

I take it you don't like his mother and I suspect you would have reacted badly if he'd arranged for her to come on Sunday.
What does his mother do that makes you not like her? Does your husband react like this to everything or is it just when you object to his mother being around?

While I understand you don't like his mum, I think that unless it's something more serious than a personality clash then inviting her over by her husband is not that much of a big deal. You can still go to a park, just let her know to come over at such and such time because you've already promised your son you'd go to the park - then he can spend some time with grandma.

Blimey, that’s a bit harsh! He is happy for his mum to see his child - what’s the problem with that?

This is what a sensible person would do. Rather than imagine all sorts of machinations going on behind her back!

I’m sure you could fit in the visit from grandma around going to the park.

I Agree with @Eleganz and @PaintedEgg TBH. I see this as a bit of a non issue.
Yes it's a bit annoying that your husband didn't speak to you about inviting his mother round - but i really dont think he should need your permission to invite his own mother round -it's his home too?
Surely you can still go to the park in the morning or afternoon and see MIL the rest other time? Or alternatively go to the park Sunday after church?

Your MIL is going to be in your life for many years to come - so if you need to work out how you can get along - setting boundaries where needed - but you need to communicate that to your husband so he knows your feelings.

He's happy for his mum to see his child - but clearly at the expense of his wife / the child's mother who does NOT want this and planned to spend the day with her child as the only day of half term she has.

The problem is that he did NOT consult his wife. The language in the OP suggests he knew this would be a problem for her and he has decided to railroad anyway. So I'm suggesting she doesn't allow him to railroad as if he gets away with it once he will continue to do so (likely this isn't the first time anyway).

Why do you think OP should simply roll over and give her day off with the child?

Why didn't you say during the video call something along the lines of "ooh that's a shame, we've now made plans for Saturday as Grandad had cancelled. Maybe come next weekend?"
Or just suck it up and miss the park trip. The park will be there forever.
Why is it such an issue?

You just say 'sorrry DH didn't mention you were coming over, we already have plans but we'll back in the afternoon if tou're still here" or something similar.

Honestly, i despair at some of these posts, why can't women stand up for themselves 🤦🏼‍♀️

Tell them you’re taking your son to the park on Saturday and leave it up to them to see if they want to tag along or whatever. Don’t feel guilty, you were obviously looking forward to it and it sounds like a nice day out.

I may be in the minority here but personally I would have taken this as a free pass to have a lovely child-free day to myself. Lunch out and then maybe wander round the shops/a museum or two. Chilled coffee and cake - take a book.

"Ok honey, you have a lovely day with your mum and DS. There's a few things I've wanted to do for a while which will be easier without a child in tow so I'll take Saturday to do those."

After all, you can take your DS to the park next weekend. How often do you get a chance to ditch the lot of them?

Not sure why this has to be a very big deal, really.
You can still go to the park for a bit on Sat. Or go on Sunday. You can’t spend all day there with a 5yo in any case.
You are possibly feeling a bit guilty over not spending halfterm with your son - but you really shouldn’t. Not all parents can take this time off.

But more importantly you really need to figure out a better relationship with your son’s grandma (and great grandma?). As they are family, and your son deserves his family to make an effort to get along.
Isn't that the point of Christian faith - being nice to each other and not too proud, etc?

Street 😇 Angels - House Devils 👿 such a caring pair - 😐🙏🏽🕊

Are you suggesting people can’t struggle with situations or ask for advice because they have a faith? @eveoha

I’ve never claimed to be perfect, far from it. And I believe in asking for guidance from others when I don’t know the answer myself.

The assumption that just because someone has a faith they are a saint is a facile one.

The problem here is OP's DH not considering OP before his DM and then not being prepared to sort the situation. How you feel about her OP is irrelevant it is the fact that you'd already made a plan that you were looking forward to and was overruled by him not standing up to her.

I really don’t understand all the stuff about the fence and why dh is free on Saturday now. Not sure if it’s important.

You have made plans to go out on Saturday with your ds. DH has invited his mum over at the same time. His mum told you she was coming and you didn’t tell her you would be out or try to rearrange? Is that it?

Either

Tell MIL that you are out on Saturday. Does she want to come on Sunday instead?

Or

See MIL on Saturday - have nice outing to park in Sunday

Or

Do nothing.

I don’t understand why you didn’t tell her you were going to be out when you spoke to her, rather than wanting DH to do it later.

Is DH not free on Saturday now? Can’t he just have a nice day with his mum if that’s what he wants?

Flew off the handle at you not doing what he wants?

Not doing what you are told?

Having no right to plan your time when he is not around?

Putting his mother ahead of you?

Not a nice man.
Not a kind man.
Not a good man.

He's a nasty bully and i bet this is the tip of the iceberg.

Good men NEVER fly off the handle because their partner doesn't do exactly what THEY want.

Controlling abusive bullys do.

I suggest you have a good hard think about your life.

Then ring Women's aid for a chat and support.

Keep posting.