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Original poster

AIBU Husband arranged for mum to come over

41 replies

HopeG · 02/06/2023 07:55

Hi everyone,

This week my husband has been doing volunteering every night after work as he has a big project for our church that finishes on Sunday.

His dad was going to be visiting us Thursday to Friday to help with building some fencing in our garden and I thought my husband was going to be out on the Saturday working on this project at the church.

Because of this I had thought I would take our son (5-year-old) out for the day on Saturday - maybe to a lovely local park. I was looking forward to this as I have had to work all half term so haven’t got to see him much when I know other mums are off.

Yesterday his dad called to say he couldn’t come over to help with the fencing this week. It means my husband is now free on Saturday as he is spending the two days his dad was going to be here working on the voluntary project.

My husband’s mum then video called me to speak to our son last night and told him she was coming over on Saturday!

I texted my husband who was out volunteering and he said he had forgotten to broach it with me as he has been busy and he was sure we could work something out.

This morning I asked my husband if there was any possibility he could ask his mum (and Nan who she is apparently bringing) to come over on Sunday afternoon after we go to church so I (we) could still spend the day with our son on Saturday.

My husband flew off the handle saying it wasn’t ok, it was embarrassing to ask his mum to change the day, how he’d do it if it was my parents etc.

I admit I really struggle with his Mum and can find her quite domineering and rude sometimes so it’s not the easiest of relationships with her.

I don’t know what to do :-(

OP posts:
SixKeys · 02/06/2023 11:25

Goldbar · 02/06/2023 09:13

I may be in the minority here but personally I would have taken this as a free pass to have a lovely child-free day to myself. Lunch out and then maybe wander round the shops/a museum or two. Chilled coffee and cake - take a book.

"Ok honey, you have a lovely day with your mum and DS. There's a few things I've wanted to do for a while which will be easier without a child in tow so I'll take Saturday to do those."

After all, you can take your DS to the park next weekend. How often do you get a chance to ditch the lot of them?

I think the whole point is that she actually wants to spend the day with her child though.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/06/2023 11:29

billy1966 · 02/06/2023 11:04

Flew off the handle at you not doing what he wants?

Not doing what you are told?

Having no right to plan your time when he is not around?

Putting his mother ahead of you?

Not a nice man.
Not a kind man.
Not a good man.

He's a nasty bully and i bet this is the tip of the iceberg.

Good men NEVER fly off the handle because their partner doesn't do exactly what THEY want.

Controlling abusive bullys do.

I suggest you have a good hard think about your life.

Then ring Women's aid for a chat and support.

Keep posting.

Yeah, this.

Zwicky · 02/06/2023 11:33

What @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune said

tbh I totally missed the worst part because I was overthinking why the fence thing impacted on the church thing and the being free on Saturday thing.

it was embarrassing to ask his mum to change the day

This bit is absolutely batshit.

MMmomDD · 02/06/2023 11:37

I do think faith is relevant here. It does feel a bit hypocritical on everybody’s side - to be showy about church going/involvement - while not be practicing the basic principles of being nice to each other.
Applies both to OP and her H, btw.
I have an extended relative like this - it’s strange to see.

Back to the situation. Both have made plans. Both aren’t wrong to either want to go to the park or to invite family. Neither has a right to force the other to not do what they are doing.
Communication on both side is really the issue.
OP’s H should have mentioned it.
OP - should have also mentioned to his mom on the video call that Sat doesn’t work.

As it is - two elderly (or certainly older) women - her son’s granny and great-grand ma - made plans for tomorrow. OP’s son is told they are coming. OP’s H invited them. That makes 3 adults and 1 child.

I think this tramps OP’s desire to have her son to herself for a day. Which at this point seems quite late and like she is trying to make some point or prove her status.

I don’t know how easy or difficult it is for the two family members to visit. I do know it’s not difficult to go to a park on another day. Or - crazy idea - have a big family picnic at the park with everybody?

OP - unless there are some deep resentment or other issues with your H - is this really worth all the drama?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/06/2023 11:40

MMmomDD · 02/06/2023 11:37

I do think faith is relevant here. It does feel a bit hypocritical on everybody’s side - to be showy about church going/involvement - while not be practicing the basic principles of being nice to each other.
Applies both to OP and her H, btw.
I have an extended relative like this - it’s strange to see.

Back to the situation. Both have made plans. Both aren’t wrong to either want to go to the park or to invite family. Neither has a right to force the other to not do what they are doing.
Communication on both side is really the issue.
OP’s H should have mentioned it.
OP - should have also mentioned to his mom on the video call that Sat doesn’t work.

As it is - two elderly (or certainly older) women - her son’s granny and great-grand ma - made plans for tomorrow. OP’s son is told they are coming. OP’s H invited them. That makes 3 adults and 1 child.

I think this tramps OP’s desire to have her son to herself for a day. Which at this point seems quite late and like she is trying to make some point or prove her status.

I don’t know how easy or difficult it is for the two family members to visit. I do know it’s not difficult to go to a park on another day. Or - crazy idea - have a big family picnic at the park with everybody?

OP - unless there are some deep resentment or other issues with your H - is this really worth all the drama?

Why should everyone else's plans, made behind her back, trump the OP's wishes?!

That some of the planners are older women is absolutely irrelevant.

PaintedEgg · 02/06/2023 11:43

I wouldn't immediately say he is not a nice man - we don't know what going off the handle meant in reality and how often situations like this take place.

It does sound like this situation was blown out of proportion and OP could have solved it in 30seconds by saying she is off to a park at such-and-such time so does working around it work for MIL or should they rearrange for Sunday. It's such a simple case of everyday miscommunication and yet it somehow grew to an enormous problem.

@HopeG tour DH is right that it is somewhat embarrassing that a day before arranged visit you tell him to tell his mother to not come because you want to go to a park. Both can happen at the same day or you could have rearranged. The MiL actually did a right thing and told you ahead of time she was coming and that she spoke to your DH. It's not the end of the world but I can imagine your husband feeling very frustrated if this is a frequent occurence

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 02/06/2023 11:44

Be assertive and speak directly to your mother in law. Tell her than unfortunately you have made plans and your DH didn’t check with you. Make a plan for another day with her.

my DH and parents in law have been like this in the past and you have to be assertive. You can be very polite and make plans with them yourself. It will feel much better for you if you do.

SpareHeirOverThere · 02/06/2023 11:46

I would say I had plans, and I am not changing them for a visit that could happen pretty much any other day. Just do on Saturday what I always planned to do.

Dh made plans that clashed with yours. He can either change his plans or have a nice day with his mum, without you and ds.

Because you have plans.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/06/2023 11:48

Can you not ring her yourself and mention that dh had forgotten to tell you and you've already got plans so could she come on Sunday instead

jannier · 02/06/2023 11:52

To Mil .....husband has massively messed up as I've been working all week I promised son we would go out on Saturday and he's really looking forward to it.....husband is happy to have you visit still as planned or we can reschedule for Sunday afternoon....

billy1966 · 02/06/2023 12:01

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/06/2023 11:40

Why should everyone else's plans, made behind her back, trump the OP's wishes?!

That some of the planners are older women is absolutely irrelevant.

Show quote history

This.

Married 30 years and my husband would no more make an arrangement, ANY arrangement for MY time, than I would his.

Why is basic courtesy towards a partner such a difficult concept to grasp for so many on MN?

The OP is not an adult.

She is a busy working mother, more than capable of filling her time.

She does not need any man making arrangements on her behalf.

I wouldn't do this to my children when they got beyond the age of probably 6.

Courtesy is one of the linchpins of respectful healthy relationships.

Checking with someone about any arrangement before you make it.

OP, if you can find the strength, kill it.

Ring Women's aid too for support.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 02/06/2023 12:08

IMO the issue is not that OP should contact the MIL but rather she is annoyed at another encroachment on her time orchestrated by her DH.

So, the real question is why have the relationship dynamics allowed this to happen, by the sounds of it, again? Then, how can she change them to ensure it didn't happen again?

He's taking the piss by being out all week volunteering. That's indicative of him being selfish.

OP is struggling to break out of the cycle she's stuck in. Seems like boundaries need working on plus prior work to figure out how these dynamics developed.

The usual books apply, Bancroft, Dr. Cloud,, Dr. Ramani, Dr. Nicole lePrez, Terri Cole.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/06/2023 12:46

Time to show him he can’t just do this. I would be up early on Sat and out the door for however long you want. He can entertain his mother until you are ready to come home

Fraaahnces · 02/06/2023 12:50

Rude! Tell him you had already made plans and you will not be changing them. He can re-arrange the Royal visit or entertain them without you and DS. What a prick.

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 02/06/2023 13:14

MMmomDD · 02/06/2023 09:20

Not sure why this has to be a very big deal, really.
You can still go to the park for a bit on Sat. Or go on Sunday. You can’t spend all day there with a 5yo in any case.
You are possibly feeling a bit guilty over not spending halfterm with your son - but you really shouldn’t. Not all parents can take this time off.

But more importantly you really need to figure out a better relationship with your son’s grandma (and great grandma?). As they are family, and your son deserves his family to make an effort to get along.
Isn't that the point of Christian faith - being nice to each other and not too proud, etc?

well said

buttercupjaune · 02/06/2023 13:41

I 100% would continue with my plans and let dh and his mum have a nice day doing whatever they do. I wouldn't even bother discussing it I'd just get in with it.

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