Sad re past comments/never forget

[redsun9175]

A few years ago after discovering dh went to lunch with someone else but didn't tell me I confronted him.
He lied about who he was with saying it was a mate but I found out after couple days it wasn't the person he said and confronted him again.
This led on to him telling me after 30 years together that he was not attracted to me, had a roving eye and some other things and wanted to end our relationship. He cancelled our life insurance policy on that day and made enquiries to sell my car. Never renewed life insurance btw.
For approximately a week he stuck with this decision and we were both in house together. I was devastated as didn't see this coming at all. On hindsight at certain times things had felt different for a few months and this made me feel unsettled but then we were ok so I didn't think too much into it. A couple of times his location was different to where he said he was before this but I put this to back of my mind.
I had put weight on but over a period of months prior to him saying he didn't want to be with me anymore I had lost two and half stone, was looking after my appearance more and felt better about myself. My weight has always fluctuated since I have known him.I was therefore shocked and disappointed as felt I looked better and couldn't understand why he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. We also had a holiday to look forward to.
By the end of the week he said he had made a mistake and we have stayed together.
We have discussed what happened a few times previously when u bring up as need reassurance and he had said he made
a mistake and he loves me and he was sorry. I think he has only said sorry once but other times when I brought up are you going to leave again etc he says he definitely wants to be with me and really loves me etc. We have had many nice times since but our physical relationship is virtually non-existent unless I initiate it so I feel undesirable. He is very affectionate with hand holding, hugs, cuddles but just doesn't ever ask me for sex so I have to say about it. I now feel like what's the point of asking as it's always me initiating which leaves me feeling bad about myself especially in view of him saying previously he had a roving eye.
We are very happy in a lot of ways but when I'm feeling low/insecure I go back to the comments he made on that day he said he didn't want to be with me and I feel so sad. It feels like a bereavement of the person I used to know as we were and are now tight and close like best friends and I just couldn't get over how much he was prepared to hurt me by what he said and did. It still shocks me now as he says nice things to me everyday now. He tells me how nice I look etc and he loves me and will be physical with me but only when I initiate/remind him. But he spends alot of time in loo so I think he is sexting someone else or looking at porn. I don't ask him.
So no interest in me anymore in that way.
I find him physically attractive so feel undesirable now.
Since all this happened I almost feel like I have PTSD which sounds dramatic but one day I thought we were ok and next I was going to be binned after 30 years.
He still has contact with this person through his work and classes her as a friend. I don't ask him not to have contact as he's not the sort of person who would put up with me telling him who he can be friends with. It was just because the lunch was hidden from me that I questioned him.
I now worry all the time and feel insecure with our relationship. It was like we were soulmates and best friends and we still are but because of what happened a piece of me died and although I love him I feel so sad that he was very ruthless that week.
Anyway not sure what I want from this post and there is so much more I could write but just feeling low today😰
I know it's a while ago but it still shocks me when he said I'm not attracted to you and I've got a roving eye as I always feel shit about myself now.😰

i just wanted to say this is so identical to my situation. Im sorry I have no answers or good advice but I absolutely understand your pain x

Just want to send a big hug. You deserve to be loved and cherished. I’m sorry x

Thankyou
Sorry for what you going through too.

Thankyou your support is appreciated

He cancelled your life insurance policy
Then threatens to sell YOUR car
He then tells you he does not want to be with you after 30 years
Then he has a potential bit on the side

And you think you are dramatic when you say you may have PTSD?

What he is doing is abusing you. Simple as that.

You deserve to be loved, not dismissed. YOU are good enough, he is not. He is gaslighting you into believing that this woman from work is just that.

What does your gut tell you?

Is he not having sex with you because he may be getting this elsewhere?

You may love him, but he is dictating you and putting you in your place if you question him. What I mean is he will hold your hand, hug you and tell you all the things you ask him to say and confirm, but is it genuine?

Apologies if all this is blunt but mine did this and left me with PTSD. I found my worth in the end.

Yeah it all sounds terrible when I read it back. It happened few years ago but has really damaged me emotionally even though we stayed together. I just hide it now but I know if something similar happened again it would be over as I have really put everything into making our relationship work and made alot of effort in so many ways. I would be heartbroken as he does know how badly him saying we were over hurt me. I felt like I was nothing 😰 I really lost all faith in people as he was the one person I trusted totally and when he said those things I felt broken. Still do but just hide it now. He was like a person I didn't know that week. He is really nice and kind to me since but I feel undesirable and unattractive these days.
Sometimes life surprises you and I have been let down before by friends and work colleagues so he was my go to person and it still shocks me now as I thought he had my back but I was almost binned after 30 years together. Sometimes I think if a really attractive person was available again he would be a goner but I won't know till it happens.
I think he loves me but it feels more like a friend or housemate who does all his washing etc. I really love him but also still find him very attractive.

He de stabalized you by withdrawing care, love and affection and replaced that with the fear of pulling the rug from underneath you.

It worked, he shut you down and made you afraid to ever bring up anything wrong he did or would ever do in the future, he basically broke you.

Now once someone does that ( breaks you) there never will be an equal relationship, you won't ever feel safe and he will not experience his partner loving him in the same way, he knows how much he has hurt you and this is the conversation you have not had.

That he is a cruel, manipulative, controlling bully, he is abusive.

Believe it.

Op
I'm going to be blunt
Go get yourself some of what he's been having all these years
And start squirrelling money away, buy jewellery or as presents
From him.
Very quietly start a plan B, that way if you get blind sided again
You have a cushion.
He doesn't deserve your loyalty or your love, he's had the go ahead from you to do his worst. He doesn't need to leave and he's got a cushy number going right now, so why dont you have something for yourself .

Oh love you deserve so much more security form someone than he is clearly willing to give you. You say you think he loves you? I would hate to wake up each morning wondering if the person next to me respected and loved me.

You know what? when my ex treated me similarly to yours I told him it was over. I didn't want to be around him treating me the way he did. He said some truly hurtful nasty things and I thought I knew my ex. It did not take him long to find someone else, but it didnt last and he came swinging by my front door again claiming the sun and the moon would not align unless I took him back, very dramatic, but the peace of knowing the only person that I could love and respect was me, I refused to be taken for a mug by him anymore, and boy was it hard to not listen to all the lovely things I had been hoping to hear him say prior to me quitting on our relationship. It was really tough to tell him no. He still tries to contact me after 4 years apart. I will never go back.

Find your inner peace and your worth. It sounds like he has ground you down so find that inner anger, because you need to get angry, how dare he treat you like this.

Yeah I feel broken inside now. It was such a shock.
I feel part of me is gone/dead. Weird really. That lovely comfortable safe feeling I had from my relationship with him was gone that day even though I still love him and with him.
I am wary and not 109 percent trusting anymore. It changed me.

I've always said, a new relationship is like a new, blank piece of paper. Over the years it might get a bit frayed around the edges, but it's still the same blank, flat but of paper. OIf someone breaks your trust or does something, like your dh did, it's like ripping that paper up, and scrunching it up. After that happens, you can flatten it and tape it back together, but it will never be the same. OP you need to accept your relationship will never be the same, he might want to get back to normal, but your normal will never exist again. So I guess you need to accept that your relationship will always be one where he will never instigate sex, and you'll never fully trust him, and you'll never truly get over his past behaviour. If you're happy to spend the rest of your life like that, then that's ok. If not you need to look at leaving.

So he was cheating on you then for some reason backed out of leaving you at the last second

Are you sure he isn’t hiding assets? Waiting for his girlfriends kids to leave home?

or

perhaps he really did have the moment where he realised he loved you and finding you attractive isn’t the be all and end all

just because he might not find you attractive it doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive

maybe spice your sex life up somehow? I think chemistry is more important than looks - get some new toys or watch a erotic movie

Yeah that's exactly it.
I have stayed but sometimes the low self esteem and low self worth overwhelms me. I know I didnt deserve what he did but I have stayed so just have to move forward. Just sometimes find it hard to get my head around how badly he treated me that week. If he does same in future I will leave though as couldn't feel any worse as almost felt like I was and am nothing at times.

It goes like this

He has the upper hand now and until he is challenged he will not respect you again, it's horrible and harsh but a fact, until he is faced with the real loss of you, you will never know his true feelings.

You now have PTSD whereby you will avoid anything that will bring on that fear and pain you experienced that week. He doesn't quite get how much this has affected you, although he knows he bullied you into submission.

You have been adjusting to this new normal and although you may feel weaker, you now know how cruel and sadistic he can be, you got through it and survived and you can again. What you havn't tested is your withdrawl of love for him, I agree with the pp, you need to start doing stuff for you.

The agreement rules have changed, I personally wouldn't be doing his washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, why bother ? he doesn't want sex, do stuff for you, it takes a while to learn how to put yourself first but I highly recommend it.

What's he going to do pull another leaving stunt, call his bluff, if he does, take half his money, what he did was unforgivable and I think you know it.
He should have reassured you instead he twisted the knife and treated you callously.

I couldn't forgive that and I don't think you can, you no longer feel safe with him.

He's nasty.

Yeah I think it maybe was on verge but stopped when I discovered secret lunch.
I think they had met up and done a couple of outings before as friends as locations different on two occasions to where he said he was. I never have asked him re this as scared of responses and happened before the meal which was the one that shocked me.
I have tried to spice things up and it is good then but flustrated that I have to initiate every time. He used to be so enthusiastic with me but weird it seemed to go off around the time he met this person he had lunch with. They see each other every week but funny enough I don't worry about them anymore. I don't think they are better than me just different.

A lot of what you said makes sense. It's so hard to be strong as I love him a lot since we were young. Sound pathetic.
Wish I could be mentally more ruthless but just not my way. Not yet anyway...
But I know I won't stay in relationship if anything like that happens again.
I couldn't do it.

Thankyou for you advice and support

I love him so couldn't cheat but understand why you advise me to do that.
Thankyou for support

Wish I could be mentally more ruthless but just not my way. Not yet anyway...
But I know I won't stay in relationship if anything like that happens again.
I couldn't do it.

That's it ..... Not yet anyway

You're not pathetic, you just loved him and he took that for granted, you don't have to make decisions to anyone else's timetable, you may never make that decision but control the time if you do.
You need to build back some of that confidence that he's punched out of you.

You will get there, an understanding of your situation and knowing that you are a kinder more caring person that could make friends easily if only he hadn't sapped your spirit.

Find that person who you were before him, when you were young and not waiting for him to come through that door.
That teenage girl who didn't need a man to dictate her moods, honestly that independence can come back and it's liberating when you finally are not scared to be alone.

Take your time but be preparing of the future, I do hope things improve for you, not with him but for yourself, he doesn't deserve you.

Thankyou for your advice. It really made me think and I feel slightly better.
I wish l was younger as looking alot older unfortunately 😂
That's for another thread.
But do need to improve my confidence which I'm going work on.
I don't want to split up but one day have the upper hand in my mind.
But everyone on here is right in what they have said.
It saddens me a lot because I feel like I am his best friend and would never do anything to hurt him or make him feel second best. But he really emotionally kicked the stuffing out of me that week. We had arguments sometimes before over the years but not often but having the person who you married tell you they aren't attracted to you and they have a roving eye is heartbreaking when you ask them why they lied about where they were. He was in the wrong but I ended up been the person who was going to be left that week. It broke my heart to be honest and I just feel broken in my stomach. I used to feel like I was special to him but now I don't feel like that. We have talked about that week alot previously but it feels like I'm going to open a can of worms if I push the conversation. I scared to do it. I'm scared to say where were you other two locations that were different to what he told me. I'm too scared to know if he did have a affair or it was just a meal.
We are getting on very well except for sexual intimacy at present which is why I don't get why I was going to be binned after 30 years. I'm ver low this week😰😰

Can you see a counsellor who deals with abuse & trauma to start to help with your ptsd? You sounds really worn out. I was in a similar place with a partner who did & said hurtful things, withheld affection, weird things happened around other women, secretive with his phone, by the end of the relationship he'd done such a number on me & I felt so dead inside I could have seen him with another woman in front of my eyes & I wouldn't have flinched. You need help to see what is happening to you, you will recover & rebuild yourself, you have to look after & protect you

I was going to suggest you both see a counsellor as he needs to hear how you feel but in a safe environment where he can't decide: l am not listening to this. You express how you feel in a really clear way and l think if your relationship is going to heal he needs to hear this and be shocked.
It seems like a madness gets into men so often when their head is turned and to justify it they have to totally put down their wife to stop themselves feeling guilty. This is very common as you will know from reading all the stories here.
At the moment it's like you have to be a good girl and keep all the hurt and disappointment to yourself in case it sets him off again..you may have to grasp the nettle and say l am really struggling and would like us both to go into counselling together. For real intimacy to return he needs to know who you really are. Intimacy can be expressed as Into me see..as he needs to see what's really going on in your heart. And it is not strange you feel those things..its a natural reaction to a horrible betrayal.

Find some self respect and leave him. I don’t know why you stayed after that conversation tbh- if my husband even implied I wasn’t a total goddess who he adores then I’d be out

Yeah I know.
That's what I said before this happened.

Too late for counselling.
As few years ago.
Asked him the week it happened and he said no. He would never go to counselling.
I'm going get my self esteem back myself, and see how things progress in future but if any hint of this sort of thing going forward I won't beg/plea again as I was so desperate not to lose him. I was shocked. I Look at him now next to me and can't believe this was same person that week. Was so awful. Like someone had totally changed their feelings towards me in one week. A few days before it was our anniversary and he sent me a lovely card saying how much he loved me and thanked me for all I did for him and we went out for a meal four days before so such a shock but I've got to move forward just not secure anymore. I think about it everyday at some point.
I think it changed me as a person as he it wasn't the person I thought he was.
If he didn't want to with me I wish he hadn't said he wasn't attracted to me and had a roving eye as I lost all self esteem. He always said everyday before and after I look nice but it all feels fake now. I never have been over confident person even when slimmer or younger and he knows I'm not confident so those words would really have affected me. It felt cruel.