Sad re past comments/never forget

[redsun9175]

A few years ago after discovering dh went to lunch with someone else but didn't tell me I confronted him.
He lied about who he was with saying it was a mate but I found out after couple days it wasn't the person he said and confronted him again.
This led on to him telling me after 30 years together that he was not attracted to me, had a roving eye and some other things and wanted to end our relationship. He cancelled our life insurance policy on that day and made enquiries to sell my car. Never renewed life insurance btw.
For approximately a week he stuck with this decision and we were both in house together. I was devastated as didn't see this coming at all. On hindsight at certain times things had felt different for a few months and this made me feel unsettled but then we were ok so I didn't think too much into it. A couple of times his location was different to where he said he was before this but I put this to back of my mind.
I had put weight on but over a period of months prior to him saying he didn't want to be with me anymore I had lost two and half stone, was looking after my appearance more and felt better about myself. My weight has always fluctuated since I have known him.I was therefore shocked and disappointed as felt I looked better and couldn't understand why he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. We also had a holiday to look forward to.
By the end of the week he said he had made a mistake and we have stayed together.
We have discussed what happened a few times previously when u bring up as need reassurance and he had said he made
a mistake and he loves me and he was sorry. I think he has only said sorry once but other times when I brought up are you going to leave again etc he says he definitely wants to be with me and really loves me etc. We have had many nice times since but our physical relationship is virtually non-existent unless I initiate it so I feel undesirable. He is very affectionate with hand holding, hugs, cuddles but just doesn't ever ask me for sex so I have to say about it. I now feel like what's the point of asking as it's always me initiating which leaves me feeling bad about myself especially in view of him saying previously he had a roving eye.
We are very happy in a lot of ways but when I'm feeling low/insecure I go back to the comments he made on that day he said he didn't want to be with me and I feel so sad. It feels like a bereavement of the person I used to know as we were and are now tight and close like best friends and I just couldn't get over how much he was prepared to hurt me by what he said and did. It still shocks me now as he says nice things to me everyday now. He tells me how nice I look etc and he loves me and will be physical with me but only when I initiate/remind him. But he spends alot of time in loo so I think he is sexting someone else or looking at porn. I don't ask him.
So no interest in me anymore in that way.
I find him physically attractive so feel undesirable now.
Since all this happened I almost feel like I have PTSD which sounds dramatic but one day I thought we were ok and next I was going to be binned after 30 years.
He still has contact with this person through his work and classes her as a friend. I don't ask him not to have contact as he's not the sort of person who would put up with me telling him who he can be friends with. It was just because the lunch was hidden from me that I questioned him.
I now worry all the time and feel insecure with our relationship. It was like we were soulmates and best friends and we still are but because of what happened a piece of me died and although I love him I feel so sad that he was very ruthless that week.
Anyway not sure what I want from this post and there is so much more I could write but just feeling low today😰
I know it's a while ago but it still shocks me when he said I'm not attracted to you and I've got a roving eye as I always feel shit about myself now.😰

I have been in same room with person he went out to lunch with and been polite.
I spoke to them back then and was told nothing in it just friends.
I'm his best friend so why hide it and then when I'm obviously going to ask insult me and say he wants out.
I got punished for what he did. It should of been him begging me to stay😰

Yes the D Day that never was.

There are many women who can pinpoint that time when their relationship changed irrevocably, no real firm answers of an affair but a distinct cruelty which shows their very cruel nature.

A cruelty which warns women that their partner could be capable of anything if they just so suddenly and violently turned off their emotions. You think real love doesn't operate like that and are thrown off balance with their coldness.

His mask slipped for a reason, he allowed it to be pulled down for you to be scared and intimidated into being silenced. It worked for him to shut you up but now you are unsure.
You are watching him, hyper vigilance comes with this unsureness in a relationship and it's not pleasant. He severed a connection between you that unfortunately can't be fully restored.

You will become stronger, you will understand what type of man he is, your eyes have been opened and he will dislike you looking at him with judgmental eyes. Basically he's fucked his own reputation with you, you think less of him.

He's a controller and you are begining to see that you have been controlled and manipulated, he's not the kind man you thought he was.

I had put weight on but over a period of months prior to him saying he didn't want to be with me anymore I had lost two and half stone
When my exh did exactly this kind of thing, I was as slender as ever. This had nothing whatsoever to do with your weight. Your husband had an affair and was blaming it on you, like all men having an affair do. He almost left you, then changed his mind - also typical. They want the affair but also hate the real-life fallout, not having their usual dinner cooked.
he spends alot of time in loo so I think he is sexting someone else
Probably the same women, sounds like the affair is continuing. My exh also felt uncomfortable about sleeping with two women at the same time. Probably why yours has stopped sleeping with you.

Too late for counselling.
As few years ago.
Asked him the week it happened and he said no. He would never go to counselling.
You can have counselling whenever you like. For you. Not for him.

Read about the affair script.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

Asked him the week it happened and he said no. He would never go to counselling.
This is also typical btw. They are partly afraid that the counsellor's questions might show up their lies, partly aware that the counsellor can't be gaslit and partly just ashamed to lie directly to a stranger.

@redsun9175 no wonder you have PTSD!

You really did give him your all. Your best years and your loyalty and love.

You are now waiting for your relationship to implode again and deep down, you know it will.

He has a roving eye and although he changed his mind about leaving before (it would cost him a pretty penny to do so!) you know that he will one day soon and it will devastate you again.

When we deeply love someone, we don't look to other people for sexual and emotional connection. You know that because the thought of cheating on him repulses you.

He doesn't feel the same way. He isn't in love with you anymore. He is used to you, cares about you a bit (but not enough to not destroy you) and likes his home comforts but this isn't love anymore.

In your shoes, it would be helpful to unpack all of this with a therapist on your own so you can heal and find your way to leaving him before he dumps you again.

See a solicitor to find out your rights and what your share of the finances would be (his pension etc).

Then sit him down and tell him that you are done. You can love him but not want to be with him as his 'home comfort' until the next woman catches his eye.

You can move on with the rest of your life and maybe one day find someone who will just adore you the way you deserve.

Please think about this because the End is coming. Rather be on your terms than his.