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Original poster

How to get on better with ex?

32 replies

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 10:13

Can anyone advise how I can get on better with my ex? How to stop hating him? I keep being told I need to get on with him and be friends with him but I hate him he is a awful person, barely sees the children and pays no maintenance because he doesn’t think he should have to. I do everything for them and he will see them as and when he feels like which is once a month or less for a few hours. He doesn’t get involved with anything to do with their lives doesn’t go to appointments, has never been to their school (one in year 6 now) How can you be friendly towards someone like that? I need some advice on how to as I’m struggling!

OP posts:
Tellmeimcrazy · 01/06/2023 10:16

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 10:13

Can anyone advise how I can get on better with my ex? How to stop hating him? I keep being told I need to get on with him and be friends with him but I hate him he is a awful person, barely sees the children and pays no maintenance because he doesn’t think he should have to. I do everything for them and he will see them as and when he feels like which is once a month or less for a few hours. He doesn’t get involved with anything to do with their lives doesn’t go to appointments, has never been to their school (one in year 6 now) How can you be friendly towards someone like that? I need some advice on how to as I’m struggling!

Not sure why you don't go through child maintenance. They will chase him and do thr necessary. I don't think you need to get along just be civil. If he hardly sees the kids I wouldn't worry about it.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 01/06/2023 10:20

Cms. It isn't a bad thing imo that dc see you having boundaries.. Stop giving him head space. He isn't a decent df.. Happily accepting your dc have 1 great parent in you. Make it his loss he isn't around.

InceyWinceySpidy · 01/06/2023 10:23

Do you really need to get on better with someone you see once a month to drop off/pick up DC? I have more interaction with the postman.

Separately, use CMS for maintenance.

Original poster
MumsPett · 01/06/2023 10:26

No maintenance he knows how to play the system and he isn’t working or claiming benefits according to them, hasn’t in 5 years since we split. He tries to be overly familiar with me even though he barely sees the kids and other parents have told me I should try to be friends for their sake.

OP posts:
InceyWinceySpidy · 01/06/2023 10:34

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 10:26

No maintenance he knows how to play the system and he isn’t working or claiming benefits according to them, hasn’t in 5 years since we split. He tries to be overly familiar with me even though he barely sees the kids and other parents have told me I should try to be friends for their sake.

Then you speak to your MP and get the financial investigation unit on to him

Original poster
MumsPett · 01/06/2023 10:37

Oh god no I would never do that.

OP posts:
oOiluvfriendsOo · 01/06/2023 10:46

You don't have to be friends with an ex because you have DC together.

Just be civil around the dc.

Mrsweasleysclock · 01/06/2023 10:50

Let's leave other people out of this. Do YOU want to get along better with him?

Original poster
MumsPett · 01/06/2023 11:01

I would like to feel less angry and bitter. However I could never be friends with him and I don’t want to get on with him as such just feel less anger towards him.

OP posts:
Mrsweasleysclock · 01/06/2023 11:05

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 11:01

I would like to feel less angry and bitter. However I could never be friends with him and I don’t want to get on with him as such just feel less anger towards him.

Ok. What in particular makes you feel angry right now?

Original poster
MumsPett · 01/06/2023 11:10

Mainly his lack of contact and only bothering with them as and when he feels like it, going for a month without seeing them. The maintenance bothers me much less and tbh if he was very involved and having them regularly that would not bother me much if he didn’t pay, it’s his lack of interest towards the children. He will then pop up after a month and expect me to be “cool” with him given that he hasn’t even seen them in a month. Sometimes he will text me and I won’t respond to him as I don’t understand how he thinks it’s ok to go for a month without seeing them then text me like it’s nothing.

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 01/06/2023 11:20

I don't think you have to be friendly.

But I think you do need to be polite. Not least as it sets a good example for your DC - I had a friend who simply loathed her flaky ex, but who was impeccable in keeping his DC in touch with him and his family even though it meant she had to do all the arranging (whilst bringing them up day to day). Just before the last 18th birthday, she told him that she would do no more - it was all up to him and the DC to choose. The DC have barely seen him since (he never made the effort) but are great friends with paternal cousins. I really admire her for that.

If he sees them monthly, then is there any mileage in setting a monthly contact schedule (they are available say first weekend every month) with additional contact for special occasions by negotiation at least a week in advance?

JanglyBeads · 01/06/2023 11:20

Other people often have no idea.....

Be businesslike - v polite but focussed exclusively on the job in hand, which is the DC.

Mrsweasleysclock · 01/06/2023 11:21

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 11:10

Mainly his lack of contact and only bothering with them as and when he feels like it, going for a month without seeing them. The maintenance bothers me much less and tbh if he was very involved and having them regularly that would not bother me much if he didn’t pay, it’s his lack of interest towards the children. He will then pop up after a month and expect me to be “cool” with him given that he hasn’t even seen them in a month. Sometimes he will text me and I won’t respond to him as I don’t understand how he thinks it’s ok to go for a month without seeing them then text me like it’s nothing.

Ok so the maintenance seems to not really be an issue so let's leave that for now.

With the lack of contact. When he does see them is he present and available to them in those moments?

80s · 01/06/2023 11:34

He tries to be overly familiar with me even though he barely sees the kids and other parents have told me I should try to be friends for their sake....
He will then pop up after a month and expect me to be “cool” with him ... Sometimes he will text me and I won’t respond to him
So basically he's all matey and you want to know how not to act pissed off?
I agree that you don't actually need to like him or get on with him well. Just superficial politeness is fine.
You can also limit the contact you have with him to avoid lengthy episodes of matiness. If he texts just write e.g. "When will you arrive to pick up the kids?"
Does he come in the house when you are there? Are the kids old enough to be able to contact him themselves? Would they be organised enough to write it in your family calendar? Could you get him to enter kids' apppointments in a shared online calendar?

PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 11:37

The People telling you to be nice to him are wankers with very low standards and appalling boundaries.

ignore him.

and report him for hiding his salary. He isnt living on air.

BlastedPimples · 01/06/2023 11:38

Friends? Whatever for.

Just be civil and polite. Keep your distance. You don't need to be friends at all especially if he's someone you don't like.

Original poster
MumsPett · 01/06/2023 11:49

I have no idea what for I mentioned on another group that he keeps trying to be friends with me and I was told well if he is trying and making an effort to be friends then maybe I should try. He is always trying to find out information about me and my life and will often text me to ask how I am which I generally ignore. Yes he comes to the house to get them and often they aren’t ready by the time he gets here as he gives zero notice I will get a text to say he is on the way. He will try to come in but the last few times I haven’t allowed this. The children are still quite young although he does have contact with the older two that doesn’t really help as he tries to arrange contact through them without telling me. The contact he does have isn’t great he has only seen them for 4 hours maximum at a time and that was at the cinema where the kids said he was sleeping.

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 11:51

Why do you need to get along better with him? It sounds like he barely has any contact with you or the kids. In what contexts are you needing to improve the relationship?

I don't see enough interaction for a getting along better scenario.

Original poster
MumsPett · 01/06/2023 11:57

Well for example is it ok for me to not come to the door if he comes to collect the children? They are not toddlers/ babies is it ok to let them answer and go out with him? As once when I didn’t come down when he came here to drop something off he said I was being weird for staying in my room and he wouldn’t come again if I was “acting weird.”

OP posts:
80s · 01/06/2023 12:09

once when I didn’t come down when he came here to drop something off he said I was being weird for staying in my room and he wouldn’t come again if I was “acting weird.”
He's just being annoying, or trying to make out that it's your fault he doesn't see the kids often. When someone's being a wanker, you can just let them be a wanker; leave them to it. A neutral "Oh, right."

If he comes to the door and the kids aren't ready then it's fine to say "They'll need ten minutes to get ready. You may as well wait in the car, won't be long!" with a cheery smile and shut the door.

Maybe offer him a shared online calendar - if he then complains about waiting you can brightly say "Oh dear! Shame you didn't think of the calendar!"

Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 12:19

You should be polite and cordial but that doesn't mean friendly. I would go to the door and say good bye to the kids. You don't need to chat with him but there is no need to create conflict.

Read up on grey rock.

P1ckledonionz · 01/06/2023 12:25

What effort is he making to get on well with you and the children? Is he trying to get on better with you?

Or is it up to you to overlook his sub-standard parenting and take total responsibility for his behaviour in his relationships with you and his children?

Isheabastard · 01/06/2023 12:38

I’m currently going through a divorce and my ex is a manipulative dick. He acts all smiles and then does something shitty behind the scenes.

He takes up too much of my headspace, I keep having intrusive thoughts and I am filled with anger at him.

I don’t have young Dc involved, but you could comfort yourself with the idea that your children will sooner or later see through him and want nothing to do with him. There will come a day when you will be surrounded by your children, their partners and grandchildren, and he will have none of that.

I am permanently tempted to tell all and sundry of our mutual friends what he has done, but I mostly resist and just drop one or two of the worst nuggets of info to them. It surprises me that a lot of them already see through him. I suspect the same is true for you.

I need to get into meditation more so I can learn to recognise when I’m obsessing about him and turn the thoughts away. I do allow myself to try and think of ways to punish now and again, but I know I’ll never carry them out. Perhaps these are things you can try?

You need to grey rock/cold shoulder him. He just wants to control the situation. So yes it’s ok to make him wait outside, go to your room. You don’t need to even reply to his texts. Just don’t lose your temper at him, or text anything you will regret.

If he suddenly says he’s coming over, you have every right to text back, sorry we’re busy, or they will be ready in one hour. Try and take back some control of these interactions. They are more your children than his now, and they may start not wanting to go to him soon. (if he does things like sleep at the cinema).

I think that if you start dictating the where, when and how with the children you may start to feel better. He’s still trying to control you, whereas in reality you have all the control. Yes, really, you do.

Im a fine one to talk though, I’m in our own rental and if I’m in the garden and he comes to the garage he uses next to the house, I just run indoors. He’d love it if we could chat like old times, but I can’t forgive him for shafting me every which way he can.

But I do wake up in the morning and I am so, so glad I am in my own space and don’t have to be living with that fuckwit anymore.

Original poster
MumsPett · 01/06/2023 12:39

So the door thing I would really rather not see him if I’m honest, I hear of kids going out to the car to avoid having to make small talk with their ex but ex doesn’t drive so he will stand at the door and as I said often the kids aren’t ready which means I’m stood there forced to make have small talk with him when I would really rather not

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