Page 2 | How to get on better with ex?

Original poster

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 12:44

Isheabastard · 01/06/2023 12:38

I’m currently going through a divorce and my ex is a manipulative dick. He acts all smiles and then does something shitty behind the scenes.

He takes up too much of my headspace, I keep having intrusive thoughts and I am filled with anger at him.

I don’t have young Dc involved, but you could comfort yourself with the idea that your children will sooner or later see through him and want nothing to do with him. There will come a day when you will be surrounded by your children, their partners and grandchildren, and he will have none of that.

I am permanently tempted to tell all and sundry of our mutual friends what he has done, but I mostly resist and just drop one or two of the worst nuggets of info to them. It surprises me that a lot of them already see through him. I suspect the same is true for you.

I need to get into meditation more so I can learn to recognise when I’m obsessing about him and turn the thoughts away. I do allow myself to try and think of ways to punish now and again, but I know I’ll never carry them out. Perhaps these are things you can try?

You need to grey rock/cold shoulder him. He just wants to control the situation. So yes it’s ok to make him wait outside, go to your room. You don’t need to even reply to his texts. Just don’t lose your temper at him, or text anything you will regret.

If he suddenly says he’s coming over, you have every right to text back, sorry we’re busy, or they will be ready in one hour. Try and take back some control of these interactions. They are more your children than his now, and they may start not wanting to go to him soon. (if he does things like sleep at the cinema).

I think that if you start dictating the where, when and how with the children you may start to feel better. He’s still trying to control you, whereas in reality you have all the control. Yes, really, you do.

Im a fine one to talk though, I’m in our own rental and if I’m in the garden and he comes to the garage he uses next to the house, I just run indoors. He’d love it if we could chat like old times, but I can’t forgive him for shafting me every which way he can.

But I do wake up in the morning and I am so, so glad I am in my own space and don’t have to be living with that fuckwit anymore.

Thank you yes I can relate to a lot of that and they are already reluctant to go now. I do feel there is a control aspect never planning in advance he won’t even give a time he is coming he will only notify me when he is on the way or almost here and he will often tell the children he “might” come tomorrow or promise to take them to the cinema but it will be maybe Thursday or Friday then we are expected to wait till that day to see if he messages or not.

OP posts:

Isheabastard · 01/06/2023 14:12

But you don’t have to wait on him. I would suggest that if he does the maybe Thursday or Friday, then text him Tuesday and say you need a definite as they already have plans/invites for those days. Make up something if you have to, as long as you do do something with the kids. He needs to learn that he can’t just throw up vague maybeys into the air and you and the children will just hang around in the hope he may turn up. It’s gross entitlement on his part.

Think of it like training a toddler, perhaps the third time he turns up and no one’s in, he’ll start learning. It’s also good for your children, if they are also kept on tenterhooks and then disappointed if he doesn’t come, they are only learning that they don’t deserve respect for themselves.

It sounds like everybody else’s time is of no value except his own. You could just text back ‘no that’s not convenient’. You don’t even need excuses or explanations.

Maybe the thread you need to start is How do I get my ex to keep to contact arrangements with the kids? OK I know you don’t actually have an arrangement, but I bet there are enough women who have been through this and can offer you wonderful advice.

PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 16:58

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 12:44

Thank you yes I can relate to a lot of that and they are already reluctant to go now. I do feel there is a control aspect never planning in advance he won’t even give a time he is coming he will only notify me when he is on the way or almost here and he will often tell the children he “might” come tomorrow or promise to take them to the cinema but it will be maybe Thursday or Friday then we are expected to wait till that day to see if he messages or not.

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I would not accept that for my children. That is awful and will affect their boundaries in relationships as adults. You do not want them thinking crumbs are positive.

Original poster

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 17:06

PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 16:58

I would not accept that for my children. That is awful and will affect their boundaries in relationships as adults. You do not want them thinking crumbs are positive.

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Trouble is they want to go with him he messages them and asks them if they want to go the the cinema

OP posts:

BetterFuture1985 · 01/06/2023 17:58

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 10:13

Can anyone advise how I can get on better with my ex? How to stop hating him? I keep being told I need to get on with him and be friends with him but I hate him he is a awful person, barely sees the children and pays no maintenance because he doesn’t think he should have to. I do everything for them and he will see them as and when he feels like which is once a month or less for a few hours. He doesn’t get involved with anything to do with their lives doesn’t go to appointments, has never been to their school (one in year 6 now) How can you be friendly towards someone like that? I need some advice on how to as I’m struggling!

No one expects you to get on with a twat like that. The word you need is tolerate in this instance. By which you don't let him get to you, but you don't have him round for a cuppa either.

Original poster

MumsPett · 02/06/2023 13:54

Well surprise surprise he text my son cancelling seeing them today despite saying he was 100% coming down 😒 yeah not even going to attempt to get on!

OP posts:

80s · 02/06/2023 14:14

It is probably worth having a general word with the kids - doesn't have to be critical, just something along the lines of "dad's always changing his plans, so it's always best to have something else planned just in case - it's nothing you've done, it's just him".

And maybe tell your ex that to avoid disappointment you're not going to have the kids waiting around for him to cancel any longer. Plan your week as you usually would without him. If he turns up and you're there, then it's a nice surprise for the kids.