My ex lived a double life.

[H112]

If I can get through this. All of you can get over anything.

What I knew already:

Did cocaine before. He said 2 or 3 times !
Some of his family are criminals. They do drugs, one is in prison for murder ( only found this out recently ).
Saw a text before to his friend saying he'd bang a much older co worker, what he'd like to do her etc
He laughed at issues I have with sex to my best friend a few months ago - that I completely blocked out.

He told me he was sick in February. He got his bloods done etc. He wasn't as affectionate anymore and stopped complimenting me and hadn't snogged me in months.

I ignored all these signs. I ignored them because I thought he was physically unwell. I knew he loved me !

What I found out 3 weeks ago... I asked about his savings and his face went red.

Cocaine habit. Does it most weeks.
Gambling addict and I mean 1000 not 50 quid.

I asked out straight please tell me if there's anything else. He swore on a family members life there wasn't.

I went for a little walk and came back to the house. I got a message request when I walked in.

Hey girl...

Oh yes. He had a girl online ( who isn't even on this continent) who sends him nudes. He started chatting to her last November. He saved a picture of her vagina the night of his birthday at his party I organised.

I left his house and took all my belongings with me.

Next few days just got texts about how sick he was. I met him 5 days later. We went for a massive walk in the woods.

The snapchat was all her. She sent them, he never asked. He saved the picture of her vagina cause it was funny looking 🙂

While in the park, he was flirting non stop with me. Even at one point went to grab my arse. I peed in the woods and he kept looking at me suggestively.

Now let me tell you. Yes he might get over his addictions but in a family like his, no support and full of enablers... what's the liklihood of him changing ?

Lying on a family members life. Letting me organise birthday, valentines, Christmas etc.. lying through all that is something no doctor will ever be able to fix. He has a serious lack of empathy no matter how many tears he shed that day.

His family ADORE me. Let me tell you. He won't ever live this down. I know his Mum will mention me for years to come.

Yes I love him. The image he portrayed but I don't love that man that's out there now in the world. He is a pos. And me ? Well I deserve the world and more.

After the park and he went home, I blocked him and his family on everything and I threw out cards, photos etc.

I work in the medical field and have had 3 people mention the word sociopath around me... I think that's him.

I tell you it is weird missing him. I miss the fun and charismatic side then I remember that's how he attracted me.

I'm 6 ft and he was 6 ft 6. I hope I meet someone I'm that physically attracted to again. I won't be settling anytime soon.

You've dodged an enormous bullet op.
Stay strong, don't look back.
He sounds potentially dangerous as well as a complete narcissist.

Sounds like a shortish relationship?
I've just wasted 17 years of my life on a man who had a whole different life going on.

@Morewineplease10 I'm wondering too if he would be dangerous ?

He is extremely charismatic. Spent 500 - 800 on me for birthdays, Christmas.

He was cheating on me Christmas 22 and spent a fortune on me.

I thought he loved me and I was his best friend !! I miss that fella but then I remember what was going on when I wasn't there....

He punched himself in the face when I found out 😱😳😳😳 I'm wondering now who he really is.

2 years and both in our early 30s. I just hope I meet someone and have a real love.

No way sorry to hear that. Christ.

Bloody hell. Don't let him charm you back. He sounds horrible.

@JeandeServiette Thanks Jeande. I am starting to agree with friends saying he's a sociopath.

The last few months he was physically ill. I brought him into my work place and did his bloods- just routine.

He's been less affectionate too but then on valentines day he said he feels like I'm not grateful for him. While he was knowingly cheating online. The girl is in a different fkn continent.

I cant believe my lovely gorgeous fella did all this. Its like he never existed ?

I organised a huge birthday for him and she told me that night we where out til 3 am she sent him a picture of her clit. While I was after organising this massive party.

I think aside from the addictions there's just something there that no doctor will be able to fix. There's something gone wrong with empathy and being able to lie on a babies life.. and lie to my face ?

He sent flowers... chocolates.. a love letter I sent back lol. Its scary really.

I think he'll either end up in prison like his father or he'll get someone pregnant and ruin her life

Glad you're moving on! I'm wondering where all that money came from that he's been spending on gambling, cocaine, expensive presents...

I peed in the woods and he kept looking at me suggestively

Was it the pee that aroused him?!

Joking aside he sounds awful, be glad you binned him.

@FlamingoCroquet so he's on about 60k a year. He had 10k in an account. I asked about it and his face dropped. He spent 7000!!!!!! From Feb til early May. All on cocaine and gambling. I saw every week it said 350 or 500 on coke 😳😳 ( euro!) .... with all his money he now has 3k in total saved 😳

He also had just purchased pictures on Only Fans 2 weeks before I found this out. Said he was high and saw some girl on Instagram and saw she had OF so clicked in. Absolute scumbag he is.

I'm just so angry at myself for not realising anything. He has an underlying illness so I thought it was that. Although I'm in the medical world I really am ignorant towards drug use.

I keep thinking if that girl had not of text me where I would be. I'd be ringing people I know who work in rehab centres. I'd be looking after him. All while he was cheating online.

@bathty haha.

No he's not into that at all. Just into curvy girls with big tits.

It's exhausting. I'm in work all day with patients chatting to me and I'm like 🙂🙂🙂

I asked when we met tell me about drug use. Its something I'm obviously very against. Told me he tried it twice. Turned out he was addicted when he was 19 for a few months.

Told me he never used Only Fans and made fun of his friend who used it. When I saw that picture he bought in April I saw an old date on it, 2019. So he was dishonest from the start.

It's just fkn disgusting.

Week before I found out he showed me a ring he wanted to buy me. We went away with his mum in March. Valentines. Babysat his cousins just the 2 of us. All while he was a drug addict, gambling and had a girl from another continent sending him nudes.

Before I blocked him he said he'll reach out somehow when he's better lol. I told him that's not all an illness. He's rotten to the core and I think he's a sociopath.

Just move on. You will look back and utterly cringe. I had an ex not as bad as that but I’m embarrassed I ever had anything to do with him now I’m married to a decent lovely man.

Stand out things for me are..

Lying on his baby nephews life.

Lying to my face and swearing on my life.

His 30th birthday night. I organised it all and spent a fortune. He received a picture of her vagina and he screenshot it.

He slagged me in front of my mates a few months ago and I somehow blocked it out 😔

I've been trying to get a new senior job. Obviously medical interviews are hard. I had 3 and didn't get them but its a high up job. He just kept saying I don't know how you're so bad at interviews ! I'm amazing at them ! And it made me feel shit and I realised he let me lose myself a bit 😔

@TheaBrandt I just think now I've had a love I thought was out of this world and I don't think I'll get it again if it was all a lie. I'm 31 too so past my prime lol.

Delighted you are happy. 😊

I'm just a compassionate person naturally and because of my job. I gave out to him but I was just caring. Last thing I said before I blocked him was I love you go get well. Christ 🤣

It's so tough. I'm just exhausted.

A rule of thumb to think about - anyone who swears on anyone else's life is just dodgy plain and simple.

And at 31 you are not past your prime ! Boobs may not be as pert as they were when you were 18, but at 31 you know your worth, you have the wisdom of years spent living and women come into their sexual prime in their 30s. God I even read somewhere recently that 60 is the new 30! (Think that might be pushing it, but hey!)

You've done the right thing in ditching him; give yourself time - arrange distractions - visits with friends, trips to the seaside, cinema, sign up for a wine tasting course - that sort of thing. You'll be fine - and you will get that new job!

You are not past your prime.

He is a prick, move on and stay moved on. Don’t get sucked back in.

Ask for feedback from the 3 interviews and use the info for your next ones.

I can’t get past the eye contact in the woods whilst your peeing 👀

What is your role in the medical field?

The examples you give aren't indicative of sociopathy.

@Squtternutbosh1 He kept flirting with me. When I was peeing we where there hours ! He was like a child. Kept looking at me and giggling.

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls I'm not in that area at all. He fooled everyone even his own mom. I cant diagnose him, I know. Trust me I've tried ! He's a pos anyway lol

@DPotter Thanks Potter. I've lost 4 stone since last year so I'm actually fitter than I was in my 20s haha

It's just exhausting.

Whilst he was cheating he;

• Helped me mind my uncles house and dogs for 2 weeks
• Christmas he spent around 800 euro on me
• Got my parents gifts for their birthdays
• Showed me rings he wanted to buy me

He said to me a month before we broke up that he felt like I took him for granted but said it in a jokey way. That makes me feel sick to the core.

@Mamette thanks! I'm hectic in work and have hobbies too and a great friends. I'm lucky I don't have much time to wallow until night time 🤣

I blocked him on everything when we broke up

I'm just heart broken that the man I loved doesn't exist ! I know I'm lucky I found out now and not when we where married but he fooled everyone in his life.

I had to block his family too as FOUR of them text me after the breakup saying he's going to get help and come back to me. And saying we belong together etc.

I'd rather live alone than with someone who can do that to someone and live with all those lies. I hate that I was intimate both physically and emotionally with him.
I feel like I want to come out of my body. I feel like I was taken for granted and emotionally abused and I didn't even know it.

You have dodged a huge bullet OP. Never going to change . He seems to have an additive personality so drugs , gambling, sex problems. You really deserve better and are certainly not too old to find someone who appreciates you.
Incidentally while my STBX was leading a double live by cheating online the gifts got bigger and more expensive. Guilt offerings.

@Soonenough You know what keeps me going is knowing he's never going to change. He's too old to change. I keep thinking I'm going to see him with a girl someday but them I remember although I'll be hurt, I'll just he wondering who the side girl is lol.

I had to be submissive anytime we where intimate :/ He also only did oral on me FOUR times because he thought he wasn't good at it knowing I wanted it though:/ I accepted it because he was a great boyfriend.

When I broke up with him I saw the real him. I only realised how much I took you for granted and how much I loved you blah blah. Took 0 accountability for the online cheating.

110% guilt offerings. My god ! My presents where overwhelming the past Christmas. Watch, 2 pairs of shoes, makeup.. it was excessive.

I keep thinking of him being around me sending sexts to her. That's what is getting me through this.

Hope you are OK @Soonenough . I suppose it's nice to see we're able to put our hearts to the side and let the brain lead the way. I never knew how much I loved myself until I was able to do this and remove myself straight away.