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Original poster

Why do I not want to spend time with ex?

40 replies

RoachFish · 31/05/2023 08:34

I separated from my husband over a year ago. Long marriage, 20 years +, I was the instigator and he's unhappy about it. I am so happy I made the decision to leave, and there hasn't been a day since that I don't feel relieved. We have a son together who is 17 and an older daughter who is an adult and lives on her own. I moved back to my home country with our son when we separated and our daughter already lives in my country but in a different town. Ex stayed in the UK. There was no cheating or anything else that led to the separation, just a decades of built up resentment from my side.

Throughout this yeear and a bit he has been coming to my city for the weekend about 8 times. Each time he says he wants to hang out with me, and I really don't want to so I have told him I am not free. Sometimes I haven't been free, but most of the time I could have squeezed him in for an hour or so. He has seen our son though, but only for a couple of hours or so over the weekends he has been here. The rest of the time he hasn't seemed bothered.

I can't figure out why I feel like this? I always thought that we would be able to be friends post separation, but it's like I have some sort of blockage and every time I see that he has called or texted my heart just sinks. It's like I don't want to be reminded that he exists. He has now texted saying he wants to come over next weeked, and can we go out to lunch together. Everything in me screams no!

Has anyone else had this? Does it get easier?

OP posts:
Ameanstreakamilewide · 31/05/2023 08:39

Because he's your ex, and you had had enough of him!

Is he trying to get back in your good books, or something??

I'd do the same thing as you, to be honest, and keep batting him away.
He'll get the (subtle) message eventually.

Blueskies13 · 31/05/2023 08:40

I have an ex after many years of marriage. Younger children. He tends to hang around a bit to much when collecting/dropping off the children. When they are older I don’t envisage seeing him this way. As they will be more independent. It sounds like your gut feeling is saying no. Go with that. You have no reason to see him. If he needs to speak to you he can call you.

billy1966 · 31/05/2023 08:41

Listen to your gut.

You clearly have no wish whatsoever to be in his company, hence you ended the marriage.

You are finally free, embrace it.

You do not owe him ANY of your leisure time.

Keep saying No.

Do not give in or he will keep asking.

Keep saying no.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2023 08:43

Tell him you're on a date.

Starlightstarbright1 · 31/05/2023 08:44

Why is he travelling near you is it to see your son ? I wonder his motive do you think he wants you to change your mind ?

Original poster
RoachFish · 31/05/2023 08:46

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2023 08:43

Tell him you're on a date.

I could do. He asks our son if I date. I don't though, I am so fed up with men and enjoying spending time with my friends instead.

It's weird because I don't want to intentially hurt him anymore than I have, but I also don't want to be nice to him. It feels so old fashioned to act the way I do. I just assumed it would go more or less straight from married to friendship.

OP posts:
Fireyflies · 31/05/2023 08:47

Entirely normal not to want to see your ex. You're trying to reinvent yourself, figure out who you are as an independent person after years of being part of a couple. You might at some point want to start seeing someone else, which will be hard if your ex is still visiting, so you need to make the space in your life to make that an option.

Your ex is clearly finding it hard to accept the relationship being over - this isn't that surprising either, as ending things was your choice so he's behind you in the stages of getting your head round it. But you're not really helping him to move on by allowing him to visit for weekends. I'd offer a phone call or two if there's things he feels he needs to speak to you about to help him understand why the relationship is over. And emails about anything critical about your son, but definitely no weekend visits. DS can travel independently to visit him, or your ex can stay in a hotel if he wants to come visit DS. You need boundaries and to recognise on all levels that the relationship is over.

MaudGonneOutForChips · 31/05/2023 08:47

I’m unsure why you feel you should want to see him, to be honest? Sure, you’re still co-parents, but not to young children, so no need for frequent ‘organisational’ stuff. I would have thought that it was perfectly natural for you to have no desire to see him!

Original poster
RoachFish · 31/05/2023 08:48

Starlightstarbright1 · 31/05/2023 08:44

Why is he travelling near you is it to see your son ? I wonder his motive do you think he wants you to change your mind ?

He always asks me first if I am free that weekend, then he asks our son. The last time he came he didn't even tell our son he was coming until the day before. So he came, they had dinner together on the Friday, didn't see each other at all on the Saturday as our son had plans and then just a coffee on the Sunday before he flew back to the UK. Most trips have been similarly wasteful.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 31/05/2023 08:50

You don’t want to see him because your instincts are - rightly - pinging against it

SheilaFentiman · 31/05/2023 08:52

You can tell he is working the visit around you, not your son. If he made plans with DS and DD in the first place and then later said - “hey, we are all having lunch at X, do you want to join us for coffee afterwards?” then you might feel like he was being friendly. Right now, his actions are of someone wanting more than friendship. So you are wary. Don’t question your instincts, don’t feel impolite or anything.

Original poster
RoachFish · 31/05/2023 08:52

Fireyflies · 31/05/2023 08:47

Entirely normal not to want to see your ex. You're trying to reinvent yourself, figure out who you are as an independent person after years of being part of a couple. You might at some point want to start seeing someone else, which will be hard if your ex is still visiting, so you need to make the space in your life to make that an option.

Your ex is clearly finding it hard to accept the relationship being over - this isn't that surprising either, as ending things was your choice so he's behind you in the stages of getting your head round it. But you're not really helping him to move on by allowing him to visit for weekends. I'd offer a phone call or two if there's things he feels he needs to speak to you about to help him understand why the relationship is over. And emails about anything critical about your son, but definitely no weekend visits. DS can travel independently to visit him, or your ex can stay in a hotel if he wants to come visit DS. You need boundaries and to recognise on all levels that the relationship is over.

Thank you for the reassurance!

He doesn't come to our flat when he comes for the weekend, I have told him that makes me uncomfortable, he stays in a hotel. I don't see him at all, but he wants me to. I can't really stop him from travelling here or to see his kids, but it just doesn't seem like that is his motive for coming here since he doesn't spend more than maybe 2 hours in total with our son when he does come. Our son goes to him too, but he never wants to stay for more than 2 nights, and he goes every three months or so. They aren't very close. Our daughter hasn't seen him since January.

OP posts:
Fireyflies · 31/05/2023 08:54

Just tell him honestly that it need space to carve out your own life and don't want to spend time with him.

NeverendingCircus · 31/05/2023 08:56

You left. You shouldn't feel you need any excuse to not want to see him. If you wanted to be around him, you'd still be together.

I'm more concerned that he is schlepping over to your country several times a year and not focusing on time with his son. He should be wanting 24/7 time with his child, not you! Does your son want to see him? If he does, encourage him to fix lunch dates and outings with his dad independently of you.

And maybe make it very clear that you aren't looking to establish a friendship and you hope he focuses on his son when he visits and doesn't ask about you as that would be difficult for your son. He'll be upset (I'd be devastated if after a long marriage DH didn't even like me enough to meet for lunch) but if it's the truth then he may as well know it and face it now rather than hang onto being tossed scraps by you.

Ragwort · 31/05/2023 08:57

I can't believe he's not making more of an effort to see his own DC, that alone would be seriously off putting for me even if I wanted to be 'amicable' for the sake of the DC, there's really no point if he is not trying to maintain a relationship with his DS. He is clearly not a committed Dad.

Original poster
RoachFish · 31/05/2023 09:01

@NeverendingCircus Unfortunately I think you are right. I probably just need to tell him that I don't want us to spend time together. I keep thinking I will reach some sort of stage where I don't feel like I do, but it's not happening. I was also thinking he might take the hint after having been fobbed off for a year now. He just keeps saying he misses me and he wants to see me.

Part of the resentment is definitely from him being a very absent dad, even when he was around. The kids also have issues with him stemming from that.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 31/05/2023 09:03

You spent 20 odd years with him pissing you off. Why on earth would you want to spend any more time when you don’t have to? I think it’s perfectly normal to never want to see him again. You don’t have young children to tie you together. Luckily he lives in another country so I would continue to be busy when he wants to visit

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 09:04

I'd just say "look mate, we split up. I don't want to meet up with you socially - only if it's for the kids"

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 09:05

He just keeps saying he misses me and he wants to see me. you're going to have to get blunt with him.

Original poster
RoachFish · 31/05/2023 09:28

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 09:04

I'd just say "look mate, we split up. I don't want to meet up with you socially - only if it's for the kids"

Yes, maybe I can say, let's remain amicable for the kids, but we don't need to spend time together socially. I don't want the kids to feel like there is tension, I had that growing up with divorced parents. I think if I knew he was on the same page, or if he met someone else, it would be easier for me to feel relaxed around him. Now I just always feel bad because I have hurt him and I worry that I will feel sorry for him if I see him. Some of my feelings may stem from guilty conscious. i have tried to leave him twice before but changed my mind when I saw how upset he got.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 31/05/2023 09:35

He's your ex for a reason. Remember what it was.

Only keep a connection through your son - never see him without your son. You're right not to have him stay in your home. Keep that position clear. Your shared children are the only reason for contact and that will soon be for him and them to to sort out, without any input from you.

Don't be available. Be off living your life. Keep conversation focussed on your children, not on you or 'us'.

And I'm sorry to introduce this - but keep your antennae sensitive to any suggestion of 'if I can't have you, no-one can'.

INeedAnotherName · 31/05/2023 09:38

I wonder if seeing him just once for a 10 minute coffee would bring him some closure. Texts, emails even phone calls are not the same, sometimes you just need to look someone in the eye to see they really mean it. And perhaps thats what he's really trying to ask.

Could you spare 10 minutes to tell him kindly that you've moved on and no longer wish for contact from this time onwards?

maranella · 31/05/2023 09:49

I think you're going to have to be clear with him OP as he's not getting the message and some people do need to have things spelled out. It sounds to me like he's struggling to move on from your break-up, possibly lonely, and maybe he's hoping that if he keeps visiting he can persuade you to get back together, but all of that is preventing him from moving on.

If I were you I'd spell it out to him in an email. You don't want to see him socially, so say that. Tell him that you're trying to rebuild your life and move on, that you hope he'll be able to do the same, that if he's coming to your country regularly to see your DS that's fine, but you don't want to see him. And that while you want to have an amicable and civil relationship with him, in future you would like to keep communications focused solely on issues directly related to your DC. TBH, you'd be doing him a favour too by killing off any hopes he may have for reconciliation. He needs to move on every bit as you want to, but his current behaviour is preventing that.

ValerieDoonican · 31/05/2023 09:49

Hes very entitled isn't he, thinking he can just help himself to your time like that. Which of course he was doing as an absent father too.

I am guessing this arrogance, entitledness and assumption that you would facilitate his wants with big chunks of your time and energy were among the reasons you left him. No wonder you are annoyed when he tried to carry on the same way.

Are you sure he was upset when you left because he values your company? Or was it because he was losing your service s?

ValerieDoonican · 31/05/2023 09:50

(tries to carry on the same way)

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