Why do I not want to spend time with ex?

[RoachFish]

I separated from my husband over a year ago. Long marriage, 20 years +, I was the instigator and he's unhappy about it. I am so happy I made the decision to leave, and there hasn't been a day since that I don't feel relieved. We have a son together who is 17 and an older daughter who is an adult and lives on her own. I moved back to my home country with our son when we separated and our daughter already lives in my country but in a different town. Ex stayed in the UK. There was no cheating or anything else that led to the separation, just a decades of built up resentment from my side.

Throughout this yeear and a bit he has been coming to my city for the weekend about 8 times. Each time he says he wants to hang out with me, and I really don't want to so I have told him I am not free. Sometimes I haven't been free, but most of the time I could have squeezed him in for an hour or so. He has seen our son though, but only for a couple of hours or so over the weekends he has been here. The rest of the time he hasn't seemed bothered.

I can't figure out why I feel like this? I always thought that we would be able to be friends post separation, but it's like I have some sort of blockage and every time I see that he has called or texted my heart just sinks. It's like I don't want to be reminded that he exists. He has now texted saying he wants to come over next weeked, and can we go out to lunch together. Everything in me screams no!

Has anyone else had this? Does it get easier?

I think @INeedAnotherName is right Op. He clearly comes over hoping to see you as much, if not more, than the DC. I suspect he still hopes you'll change your mind. Meet him alone and be civil but clear that your relationship is over and he needs to be coming over just for the DC

Thank you @maranella . I think that last paragraph is very put, and it explains my standpoint without having to be unnecessarily hurtful.

@ValerieDoonican He hasn't done much in the last 20 year to make me think that my company is in any way invaluable to him. He is a very practical person, not emotional, and I think he liked the look of having a wife and two kids, living in a house, with a car, a cat, nice neighbours etc. He's had a weird childhood without good role-models, he achieved (and lost) what his mum tried to achieve many times over. He was the stable one in the family with a good job. I think he misses the facade.

I wonder if seeing him just once for a 10 minute coffee would bring him some closure.

I'd be careful, however, that he doesn't see this as any possible Hope that OP would change her mind again (after all she's tried to leave twice before and changed her mind when she saw how upset he was) and that his pestering is working if she gives him any face to face time at all.

Personally I'd stick to a very clear email saying you're glad he wants to spend time with his son but your life has moved on and you have no wish to meet with him in any way. Wish him well for the future and start phasing him out of your life. Don't let him guilt you or entangle you in any way. No need to respond to anything which is not directly affecting your son. Good luck. 🌹

I don't think so. My ex kept on pestering and came up with the idea 'coffee for closure' when I wasn't responding to 'oh hey, just happen to be in the area/my aunt's sister's cat's groomer's gardener said she saw you out on a date/ there's a terrible tragic thing happened that I can only tell you about in person/ I'm seriously ill and had bad news, could mean amputation 4mm on the outside top corner of my right big toenail '.

It was never going to be closure, it was going to be another attempt to guilt or terrorise me into taking him back, complete with self harm hints and suchlike.

Just don't be available.

@Newestname002 and @NeverDropYourMooncup I share both of your thoughts. My worry is also that if I give him a little he will take more and before I know it he is coming here for a weekend every month and expects me to dedicate time to him. Even when he does come and I don't see him I spend the entire weekend thinking of ways to avoid bumping into him as he stays in a hotel that is only three streets away from where I live, 5 minutes on foot. I was so happy to have this physical distance between us when I left, I feel like he's intruding.

Totally normal to not want to spend time with an ex

Him saying that he misses you and wants to see you is not a good sign.

it’s up to him to carve out his new life & he’s presently not seeming to do that.

id text back and just say, presently I think it would be very unwise to meet up. In the future we will be thrown together at weddings & baptisms where hopefully we can be friendly. For now though it would be unwise to have dinner or drinks. Best wish & enjoy your time with ds

It sounds more and more stalkerish. Ugh, this would really piss me off. How you tell him exactly, I can't advise as I don't know the usual tone of your interactions. But you need to be clear you don't want to see him and you don't have to, and now you are not longer married, it really isn't appropriate for him to be badgering you this way.

Maybe "I don't want to meet up, if you need to discuss our children use email, but "for your own good" (ha!) you need to stop trying to see me. The answer will be no."

If he doesn't respect that, point out he hasn't respected your wishes, so you will no longer open his messages.

I guess your son may be studying at the moment, but when his holidays come around maybe he would like to visit his Dad and catch up wtih some old mates? REmoving any need for your ex to come anywhere near you.

How old is your DS, OP?

It would be weirder you did want spend time with your ex.

The universe has given you a chance to practice your Assertive No. Just say no thanks, I don't want to spend time with you. Learn to tolerate other people's disappoint-it's very liberating

He hasn't given you any space to decide if you want to remain friendly.

Maybe you could email to ask for space. It doesn't have to be that you never want to speak again civilly ever but at the moment you don't. You need to process this big change too. It's great he's making the effort with DS but he's putting the lad in a position asking about your dating life so needs to stop doing that. It's not his business anyway.

Perhaps instead of trying to compromise with bits of time, you could acknowledge what he wants, but that it is incompatible with what you want, and just ask for time to think and recalibrate, plus an appropriate boundary re your personal life. Of course you're available to discuss anything important about the kids, but need chance to breathe.

DS is 17, DD is 19 and lives on her own at uni.

ugh, I so want to say something like:

Dear X

please contact DS directly about visits, to ensure he will be around when you are around. I won’t be available to meet up with you going forwards and I won’t respond to contact other than matters specific to the children.

I wish you all the best for the future.

I like SheilaFentiman's message. Be clear and blunt if necessary. Sod the 'be kind' brigade as it would probably just encourage him to keep pushing. I would block him actually after sending that message. You don't need that kind of persistent wailing from him.