I’ve name changed for this as I’ve posted before and I think previous posts could identify me with friends.
Forgive me if this is rambling but I’ve recently lost my father and I’m in a brain fog and grief is over taking me. I will try to be coherent.
My husband has been complaining we need to cut back with bills etc as we are really feeling the pinch. I ask to see the credit card bill so I can see what we are spending it on. We have oil central heating so rather than heat the whole house I used an electric blanket and I tell our daughter to pop on her electric radiator. He’s been complaining about this too. I’ve ignored his complaints as I’m doing what we can, but won’t have my daughter cold. She also has an electric blanket but we have a very old farmhouse and it’s freezing at times.
When scrolling down I see a payment for OF, I ask what this is but he says he doesn’t know. Possibly something on eBay. A few dates later OF is on the bill again. I ask again and he isn’t sure to which I say it’s worrying two credit card payments have gone out and he doesn’t know what on. He answers this by saying it’s only £15 in total, but still. Then he tries to whizz down the bill, scrolling fast, but I see Only Fans. I know what this is.
I make him stop and ask what on earth he is doing using and paying for only fans. All year I’ve been asking him to come to bed and at weekends he’s always saying he falls asleep on the sofa. Or he’s up till 4am or 1am midweek. To be honest it’s started to get me down as I’m often alone, and crying over the loss of dad.
Now I know why.
We have not been sleeping together for about 5 months as he’s said he’s impotent and won’t go to the doctors. I’ve had so much to deal with dad dying I’ve not given it a thought. My energy has been on taking care of my dad in hospital, my family and our horses, cats and dogs at home. Most of which has been a blur.
I made him open his Only Fans account. At first he told me to get lost (replace that with swear words) but I insisted and said he had better or it’s a straight divorce. I was shaking.
His account showed subscriptions, tips etc and all the women were half my age and blonde. I’m brunette and 50. I can’t even compare.
He did not immediately apologise, despite me saying you have paid sex workers when you are not sleeping with me, using family money and questioning our heating. The account went back over a year. During my dad dying he was also active on Only Fans. I’m absolutely gutted. We’ve been married 15 years.
His reaction was to scream at me and minimise my feelings saying all men do this. I was crying at the time and not once did he apologise until I said he used family money and wanted our daughter to turn off her heater and did he think that was right? In addition to not coming to bed, or coming to bed late and telling me he was impotent.
He said he wanted to check if he was impotent without the pressure from me. I’ve never put him under any pressure. I asked why he needed to subscribe to a blonde and a redhead and many others - and keep checking if he was impotent…plus tips (I’m not fully sure what this is but he’s trying to tell me it’s just a pay wall to see more content).
To be honest I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I’m under counselling for dad and I’m struggling daily. I held dad in my arms whilst he took his last breaths and I’ve been reliving this and suffering trauma. My horses and riding have given me much peace, especially when my daughter and I ride together.
I feel completely sick, minimised and betrayed by his lies at a time I thought he had my back.
We are linked in business in a limited company 50% shares, although he does the work and my tax code is simply used. I’ve tried to work in the business but he’s said he can’t work with me and employed an admin girl (dad was dying at the time I didn’t push it as I was back and forth to the hospice).
I’ve given up an amazing career to support him in his and watch our child grow up, which has been wonderful but now I can see I’m absolutely screwed.
He’s made it quite clear I will lose the home with my horses including my daughter’s pony.
I am gutted and when I’m at my lowest I feel I’ve been kicked in the teeth and now my boundaries are very different to his.
Please help. I’m struggling as it is with dad and now this. I feel like I’m on quick sand.
Sorry this is so long, apologies if it is a bit all over the place. I’ve name changed as I’ve posted on other topics and didn’t want to be identified.