Is this selfish

Whichwhatnow · 2023-05-30T19:11:52+00:00

So I have very, very bad conjunctivitis and am generally just feeling shit, I lost a close friend a few days ago to suicide and am just feeling pretty bad. I can barely see anything (making this post is fucking hard). Is it too much for me to ask my husband to stay at home? I feel awful and he goes out all the time, this is a weekly thing not a one off at all, so it's not at all like I'm controlling, but he's making out I'm being selfish and childish for wanting him to have this one night at home so we can (try to) watch TV together rather than me sitting here miserable with my eyes basically glued together, miserable and grieving and waiting for him to stumble home. I would stay with him if he felt this way. Am I a needy child because that's what he's just called me. He's probably not going to be back until midnight and drunk out of his head. Argh so annoyed.

EagletheBrave · 30/05/2023 20:27

It’s perfectly reasonable to ask for the company. Of course he doesn’t have to stay in with you, he’s his own person, but it sounds like he’s pretty lacking in empathy or sympathy towards you. It’s a strange and very unempathetic remark to say to someone who is grieving they are like a needy child when asking to be kept company when going through that. Also coming home blind drunk…Am assuming this is a usual pattern. Binge drinking problem at all?

Fidgety31 · 30/05/2023 20:31

I think it’s a bit pointless asking him to sit in with you if you’re feeling unwell.

Original poster

Whichwhatnow · 30/05/2023 20:33

EagletheBrave · 30/05/2023 20:27

It’s perfectly reasonable to ask for the company. Of course he doesn’t have to stay in with you, he’s his own person, but it sounds like he’s pretty lacking in empathy or sympathy towards you. It’s a strange and very unempathetic remark to say to someone who is grieving they are like a needy child when asking to be kept company when going through that. Also coming home blind drunk…Am assuming this is a usual pattern. Binge drinking problem at all?

Yeah binge drinking is a very common thing. He prioritises going out and having fun over all else

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 20:35

He prioritises going out and having fun over all else

I mean the obvious thing to do is get your eyes ungummed and leave.

Original poster

Whichwhatnow · 30/05/2023 20:39

Fidgety31 · 30/05/2023 20:31

I think it’s a bit pointless asking him to sit in with you if you’re feeling unwell.

Is it really? I just wouldn't leave an unwell and grieving person I apparently love alone when they clearly need the company and I'm already out multiple times a week, all paid by my partner. Maybe that's part of why I'm so pissed off, he took my phone and transferred himself 200 quid before he went out because he has my log in details. I pay for everything. Is this abusive? I don't know any more.

OP posts:

TUCKINGFYP0 · 30/05/2023 20:40

Whichwhatnow · 30/05/2023 20:39

Is it really? I just wouldn't leave an unwell and grieving person I apparently love alone when they clearly need the company and I'm already out multiple times a week, all paid by my partner. Maybe that's part of why I'm so pissed off, he took my phone and transferred himself 200 quid before he went out because he has my log in details. I pay for everything. Is this abusive? I don't know any more.

Show quote history

He stole your money.
He calls you a needy child when you ask him for support.
What are his good point ?

justthecat · 30/05/2023 20:41

He’s a twat . He’s like mine only 100percent him

Justcallmebebes · 30/05/2023 20:42

No, this is definitely not what a loving partner does or anybody does really. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend OP and hope you're feeling better soon. Your DH is a deadbeat, but you probably already know that. Take care

Original poster

Whichwhatnow · 30/05/2023 20:43

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 20:35

He prioritises going out and having fun over all else

I mean the obvious thing to do is get your eyes ungummed and leave.

Ha @MrsTerryPratchett I was going to tag you for advice. I don't know if you remember but I'm Jb7445 under a name change. We had a fair amount of interaction previously. I still haven't left and could do with a kick up the arse to do so!

OP posts:

CoffeeBeansGalore · 30/05/2023 20:43

Change your log in details. Do not give him or let him take any more money.

Time to bin this waste of human skin.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 20:44

he took my phone and transferred himself 200 quid before he went out because he has my log in details. I pay for everything. Is this abusive? I don't know any more.

Don't you? Really?

Change your log in. Stop paying for him. Stop begging him for crumbs. And work out why you are settling for the shell of a life. Let me guess, crappy childhood? You deserve better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 20:45

How funny @Whichwhatnow !

My advice, bin the awful arsehole off. Bin bin bin.

But first, change all your log in details for everything.

ulcers · 30/05/2023 20:45

Sorry for your loss

You should be able to rely on him at a time like this. Your not asking for too much at all. Hope your eyes are better soon.

Original poster

Whichwhatnow · 30/05/2023 20:47

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 20:44

he took my phone and transferred himself 200 quid before he went out because he has my log in details. I pay for everything. Is this abusive? I don't know any more.

Don't you? Really?

Change your log in. Stop paying for him. Stop begging him for crumbs. And work out why you are settling for the shell of a life. Let me guess, crappy childhood? You deserve better.

Yup crappy childhood and an abusive relationship before him. I suppose I am just begging for crumbs

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 20:48

So what is it you need in order to leave?

To rejig your brain? Or...

To rejig your finances?

Or both?

Original poster

Whichwhatnow · 30/05/2023 20:51

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 20:48

So what is it you need in order to leave?

To rejig your brain? Or...

To rejig your finances?

Or both?

Fuck knows. I have BPD and the fear of abandonment is massive. I need to woman up, I'm so strong in every other aspect of my life

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 20:53

Have you tried DBT?

The fear of being alone is very real. I do get that. But this one is a total nobber.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 30/05/2023 20:55

He has already abandoned you with no care, empathy or love.. He is clearly showing that he is simply using you.

For your own sense of wellbeing please get him to leave. You already pay for everything so remove a huge expense - him.

Napmum · 30/05/2023 20:59

Whichwhatnow · 30/05/2023 20:39

Is it really? I just wouldn't leave an unwell and grieving person I apparently love alone when they clearly need the company and I'm already out multiple times a week, all paid by my partner. Maybe that's part of why I'm so pissed off, he took my phone and transferred himself 200 quid before he went out because he has my log in details. I pay for everything. Is this abusive? I don't know any more.

Show quote history

Sounds abusive. He's taking your money to spend on himself. I think leaving you on your own sends a lot to the overall picture. But you mentioned going out multiple times a week, which seems excessive if he's drinking a lot each time.

If I were you, I'd speak to a.wlmens aid, and they'll help you decide if he's financially abusive and how to leave him.

EagletheBrave · 30/05/2023 21:01

Work on your self esteem OP. If you’re strong elsewhere in your life, that’s really great you can see it, and also recognise the abandonment issues you have. Making those links is crucial. Adverse childhood experiences indeed make it very challenging for people in adulthood. I think you know what you need to do actually by the sound of it. Is it setting the boundaries and planning how to navigate the confrontations that are the problem?
Have you looked for a decent therapist? Takes time to find one but it would be better to spend your money on working on yourself rather than on this complete bellend.

EagletheBrave · 30/05/2023 21:02

This. Absolutely. 💐

EagletheBrave · 30/05/2023 21:03

Napmum · 30/05/2023 20:59

Sounds abusive. He's taking your money to spend on himself. I think leaving you on your own sends a lot to the overall picture. But you mentioned going out multiple times a week, which seems excessive if he's drinking a lot each time.

If I were you, I'd speak to a.wlmens aid, and they'll help you decide if he's financially abusive and how to leave him.

Show quote history

Indeed.

Zanatdy · 30/05/2023 21:09

Not only is he not supporting you when you need him, but he’s out on the piss with your money. You can do so much better than this waste of space. Being alone is surely better than living with someone who clearly doesn’t care about you as he’s not there in your hour of need and he’s completely taking advantage

Original poster

Whichwhatnow · 30/05/2023 21:39

Apparently all his friends are saying I'm hounding him and abusing him. I've called him twice and the second time said I have suicidal thoughts (which is true). But yeah, Apparently I'm abusive and controlling. How the fuck did I end up in this situation.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 22:25

Whichwhatnow · 30/05/2023 21:39

Apparently all his friends are saying I'm hounding him and abusing him. I've called him twice and the second time said I have suicidal thoughts (which is true). But yeah, Apparently I'm abusive and controlling. How the fuck did I end up in this situation.

My ex turned me into a basket case who did things that weren't OK. Some relationships turn both people into their worst selves.

If you're toxic together then you need to be apart.