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Relationships

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Original poster

Why is he still coming to see me at work

49 replies

givemeaname · 30/05/2023 19:43

I work in a coffee shop and there’s a regular who comes in several times a week. There was clearly mutual attraction and after months of flirting we exchanged numbers. Things developed extremely quickly and we ended up getting physical (not full sex) it was a few a days after this he told me he was married and didn’t want to continue whatever was going on with us. He then contacted me a few days later wanting to restart with me. I really liked him and we got physical again once, not full sex as I stopped before it got that far. We both decided to back off and that he should concentrate on whatever was going on in his marriage. We deleted numbers etc. I respect his decision. However, he is still coming into my work place and I’m finding it hard to see him. Why is he still coming in? Surely he should be putting distance between us and he should go elsewhere. He knows it’s hard for me to see him knowing nothing can happen. I don’t want to leave my job and to be honest I don’t see why I should, the easiest thing would be for him to go anywhere else! Is it for an ego boost? Is he getting a kick out of this? Some days it really upsets me other days it makes me really angry.

OP posts:

isthewashingdryyet · 30/05/2023 19:44

Ask him loudly how his wife is ?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/05/2023 19:50

Maybe because he wants a bit of fun again and your actions last time suggested him being married isn't a massive problem for you?

Original poster

givemeaname · 30/05/2023 19:54

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I admit the second time should not have happened and I am not proud and I have no intention of repeating that. I don’t believe he wants to repeat it either which is why him coming back to where he will see me is making me upset/angry.

OP posts:

DPotter · 30/05/2023 19:56

he's getting some sort of buzz out of it.

Ask your manager to tell him he's banned

TheSnowyOwl · 30/05/2023 19:57

The likelihood is that the coffee shop is convenient for his routine and he knows you don’t take his marriage seriously either. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has half a dozen other women In similar situations in other nearby places.

Coffeeandanap · 30/05/2023 20:00

Sounds like he gets an ego boost from seeing you, maybe he can tell you still like him.
For what it’s worth, he sounds like a prick. You shouldn’t have to change jobs, don’t do that. Ignore him or get him banned as others suggested.
You made a mistake once but I’m sure you can do better, don’t get sucked in by him

Susieb2023 · 30/05/2023 20:02

I don’t understand what you want us to say… that he truly cares (his actions show he does not), that he wants to he with you (his actions show he does not), that the connection you have is too strong for him to keep away (his actions show it is not)?

You helped this man betray his wife, you helped him take her personal agency from her. You need to raise your bar and stay away from married men who want to use you for cheap thrills. Honestly words mean nothing, his actions are clear. Ignore him and move on!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/05/2023 20:07

He's getting an ego boost out of it. I think you need to be very business like and not enter into any chit chat at all. He's using you for his own selfish gains

Original poster

givemeaname · 30/05/2023 20:09

@Susieb2023 no I don’t want him, I don’t want things to restart and I am under no illusions that he may care for me. I know he doesn’t. This is not a forbidden love story. I’m just trying to understand why he’s coming in. I don’t want to make a scene at work and I avoid him as much as possible.

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/05/2023 20:11

I think you give him too much credit - a repeat is exactly what he is likely to want. That's good that you don't want to keep seeing him. I think he'd not be good for your self-esteem.

SarahAndQuack · 30/05/2023 20:26

Well, obviously, he's still coming in because he's hoping for a repeat? Isn't that obvious?

You seem to be making this into a far bigger issue that it is. He clearly wants sex but doesn't want to give up on his marriage, and so far, it seems as if you're a good target for this, so he'll keep trying. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant, but you've limited credibility here really. Just blank him when he comes in and get someone else to serve him, or keep it to very work-related conversation.

WhatADrabCarpet · 30/05/2023 20:37

He thinks you'll finally cave to his advances.

That you went so far with him rather suggests that, sorry.

Original poster

givemeaname · 30/05/2023 20:39

@WhatADrabCarpet there are no advances from him though and I’m being professional at work, I get one of the others to deal with him so I don’t have to so there’s no room for chit chat. I wish he would just go elsewhere so I can relax in my job and not feel anxiety when he’s in.

OP posts:

Snoozingagain · 30/05/2023 20:55

Ignore him, get someone else to serve him. He will soon get bored

IDontWantToBeAPie · 30/05/2023 22:44

If he knows it's hard for you then that tells me he enjoys seeing you squirm. He enjoys your discomfort.

Dery · 31/05/2023 02:02

It’s an ego boost for him, I expect. You know he’s a player who cheats on his wife; he appears to have no moral standards and this is just more of the same shitty, selfish behaviour from him. You can be sure there are no good reasons for what he’s doing.

RememberNancyDrew · 31/05/2023 03:08

It's either ego boost or him compartmentalizing it. If he isn't trying to speak to you or catch your eye, then your little fling didn't mean anything to him and he's just gone back to normal - as you should too.

Or it's an ego boost. If he is looking at you maybe you are still making his dick hard and he enjoys it - without actually cheating again.

Don't quit. He's just another random married dude casting a wide net for fun times. Just chalk it up to Lesson Learned. Married men are liars. Period.

MintJulia · 31/05/2023 04:04

He's playing games. Or simply that it's a convenient coffee shop, and your feelings are irrelevant.

GoodChat · 31/05/2023 04:45

He's not coming to see you at work. He's just continuing his normal routine because seeing you doesn't make him uncomfortable as he got what he wanted and feels no regret.

WilkinsonM · 31/05/2023 06:23

He probably doesn't see your two encounters as a big deal and thinks he can just go back to being a customer with no problem.
You'll get over him soon enough, just try to ignore it.

Polari · 31/05/2023 06:29

He obviously likes the coffee.

Watchkeys · 31/05/2023 06:29

Surely he should be putting distance between us and he should go elsewhere

Do you think that there are rules we all obey regarding what we 'should' and 'shouldn't' do? Which authority sets them? Where do we access them?

ShandaLear · 31/05/2023 06:29

He wants the attention and enjoys the tension/flirtation. He sounds like a creep.

Namechangedforthis2244 · 31/05/2023 07:02

If you want him to stop you could say “would you mind getting your coffee elsewhere? I don’t think that your wife would like you keeping on coming in”

It would be hard to do but would 100 percent solve it.

Original poster

givemeaname · 31/05/2023 07:15

@RememberNancyDrew i think you may be right about the compartmentalisation. I think it shocked him that he was capable of doing what we did and I think he would rather forget it happened and carry on as if nothing happened.
@Namechangedforthis2244 if I get the opportunity then I think I will simply say that. He was going there before I started so maybe he feels entitled to continue because as people have said, my discomfort/upset doesn’t matter to him.
I certainly won’t be serving him as that just makes me feel like there’s a power balance thing there, me having to ‘serve’ him. I would rather tip it over him.

OP posts:

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