Why is he still coming to see me at work

[givemeaname]

I work in a coffee shop and there’s a regular who comes in several times a week. There was clearly mutual attraction and after months of flirting we exchanged numbers. Things developed extremely quickly and we ended up getting physical (not full sex) it was a few a days after this he told me he was married and didn’t want to continue whatever was going on with us. He then contacted me a few days later wanting to restart with me. I really liked him and we got physical again once, not full sex as I stopped before it got that far. We both decided to back off and that he should concentrate on whatever was going on in his marriage. We deleted numbers etc. I respect his decision. However, he is still coming into my work place and I’m finding it hard to see him. Why is he still coming in? Surely he should be putting distance between us and he should go elsewhere. He knows it’s hard for me to see him knowing nothing can happen. I don’t want to leave my job and to be honest I don’t see why I should, the easiest thing would be for him to go anywhere else! Is it for an ego boost? Is he getting a kick out of this? Some days it really upsets me other days it makes me really angry.

It’s convenient for him to get a coffee there and he’s too self absorbed to think about what it’s like for you.
Or he gets a buzz from your discomfort.

Ignore all the personal attacks you are getting. There’s a cohort of women here who enjoy shaming women for husband’s infidelity.

He doesn't have the decency to avoid your coffee shop.

@givemeaname you need to get turned off by shabby behavior. He was up for cheating, he only admitted he was married after you got together, and now he is messing with you. G e t t u r n e d o f f

He probably has convinced himself there us no awkwardness as he can't be arsed to change his routine.

Refusing to serve him singles him out though, it'll show him you're still bothered. Not that that's a problem, just that it might not convey what you'd like it to.

You don't feel that other customers have power over you... consider whether you want to make him feel special and singled out or not. The best way to stop feeling that someone has power over you can be to treat them exactly the same way as everybody else, without batting an eyelid.

Short and to the point. Say this and unless he is some sort of psycho, I think he will hear you. If he's a psycho, that's another thread!

@Watchkeys you are right. I don’t want him to know things are bothering me. I want to get to the point of indifference. I realise I’m still very much having an emotional reaction to him and it’s pissing me off that im feeling that way.

@Receiverofrage thanks. I expected some backlash and deserve some of it. I just wish he would consider how it may be making me feel. Clearly he doesn’t though.

@givemeaname do you feel he deliberately fooled you into thinking he was single? Was he not wearing a wedding ring? It's difficult to tell if he planned making a move on you or whether it was something that 'just happened'. Where did the intimacy take place? On balance I wonder if he thinks that you think it was just a bit of fun and that you don't feel awkward about it so he sees no reason to change his habits?

@ucantmulchthis he never wears a wedding ring, never spoke of a wife, only a son. Turns out he had a wife and two kids (both older teens) and our first encounter happened a week after he returned from a family holiday (I found this out after)
he initiated literally everything. Every chat was started by him, every request for photos was from him each encounter was from him asking to see me (at his office in between clients ) but I’m not sure he deliberately set out for something to happen. I think it shocked him that he was capable of doing those things.

He knows it's hard for me to see him knowing that nothing can happen.
You're still into him? And he knows it?

OP, he's a married man who cheats. It didn't shock him that he was capable of cheating - he swapped numbers with you, tried it on, succeeded and then told you he was married. It happened in his office, in between clients, more than once. He knew exactly what he was doing. And now he's ditched you.

Why is he still coming in?
Because he's a regular. He's been going there for months, before you even started working there. So it's kinda tough luck if you feel uncomfortable seeing him now.

But maybe stop thinking about him, about the "why" - why he isn't considering your feelings, why he gets coffee where he can see you, why he doesn't go elsewhere...blah, blah, blah. That's too much headspace for a man that supposedly doesn't matter.

And be really professional in work - serve him coffee, take payment, treat him like any other customer. If you actively avoid him in work, then you're handing over your power to him. Take it back and own what happened between you, and be professional.

That sounds predatory. I've changed my opinion. I don't think it can be that he thinks you don't feel awkward. I think he knows exactly how you are feeling and that he gets some sick pleasure out of this conversation.
I would go with the other poster who recommend treating him no differently to anyone else. He needs to see that he hasn't any power over you.

*situation, not 'conversation'

I'm surprised by the "tell him to get his coffee elsewhere" advice as that seems to tell him straight that you're still into him.

Also where does this feeling that he's shocked by his behaviour come from? Did he say that? I assume you don't know this man particularly well - just a month or two of meet ups? I think you're taking him at face value too much.

I would rather tip it over him.

Please do this!! More seriously, he gets a buzz out of it which is why he keeps doing it. Treat him like any other customer, I feel that by you asking your colleague to serve him it acknowledges you feel differently about him to other customers. Serve him normally, ask him how his wife is - and diffuse his buzz. He sounds a twat though!

This.

I'd also tell his wife.

I suspect the owner / manager would not be impressed if you do this! You are there to prepare and serve drinks and food. If he chooses to come in as a customer, then you have no choice but to do your job.

Yes but she could serve him as normal that time and have a quiet word and hopefully he just wouldn't come back.

This is a very good idea. Serve him, be friendly, and every single time, ask him how his wife's doing. He'll stop coming in quite quickly, probably. Much more effective than refusing to serve him, and you don't need to cause a fuss or piss your boss/colleagues off, either.

This is spot on!

"I think it shocked him that he was capable of doing those things."

Eh! I don't think so, didn't stop him a second time even after he told you he was married.

You sound very naïve!.

He wasn't shocked by his own actions, don't be naive. He was using you for cheap thrills and you let him. He's hoping for another go. Blank him until he goes away and make better choices in future.

I agree with those that said I take him too much at face value. I should concentrate on the facts and not who I thought he was as he clearly isn’t that.
I will remain professional but I won’t engage in chit chat and will blank him wherever possible.
He came in today and was all smiles like nothing had happened. What really pissed me off was I was carrying a few boxes and had to pop them down to open the door, they fell over the floor in the process……yep….he was seated nearby and got up and helped me pick them up!!! Wtf. I wanted to say ‘I don’t need or want your help!’ But my boss was in earshot so through gritted teeth I said thank you. So angry for having to thank the fucker, I didn’t need any help to begin with!! He clearly wants to remain to been seen as the helpful kind nice guy that everyone thinks he is.
thanks for all the replies, it’s helping to see things written down.

I should concentrate on the facts

You'd be better advised to concentrate on moving on. He's not your concern. He doesn't matter. He's not important. You are causing yourself discomfort by focussing your attention on him. Stop.

That is true but would give him the upper hand.

*Refusing to serve him singles him out though, it'll show him you're still bothered. Not that that's a problem, just that it might not convey what you'd like it to.

You don't feel that other customers have power over you... consider whether you want to make him feel special and singled out or not. The best way to stop feeling that someone has power over you can be to treat them exactly the same way as everybody else, without batting an eyelid*

I think he would interpret her actions however he wants to. Serving him when he comes in could also be seen by him as her still having interest. Whereas blanking him could convey what was said above, or send the message that she thinks he's scum, or that to her - he no longer exists.

Given that he will interpret whatever situation in the way he wants to, OP I think you should do whatever you need to do to help yourself move on.

Anyone with common decency would be trying to avoid you going forward if he didn't want to repeat it or was concerned about causing any drama with you or his own family (hence why I agree based on common sense that he should pick a new coffee shop to frequent. It wouldn't be massively inconvenient for him to go elsewhere), but clearly he doesn't care. This isn't a scenario where you have to continue seeing each other (like if you both worked at the same place) he is choosing to make it happen.

I'd probably just ask him not to go there anymore unless he wants his wife to be informed what he was up to. 🤷‍♀️