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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s decided he’s “had enough” and I’m pregnant

37 replies

Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:24

(Side note: I’m in the US, I just feel more comfortable posting here since people I know are less likely to come across it)

I’m just so frustrated and any advice or just listening to me complain is very much appreciated.

I’m 6 months pregnant, we already have an 8 year old(mildly autistic) and we’ve been married for over a decade and my hypha’s decided that he has had enough and wants more freedom.

He says it’s not fair that his coworkers get to travel and have bought new houses and he doesn’t get to. ITS HIS FIRST YEAR THERE, before he always had jobs that paid just enough to live off of and last year he started this very very well paying job and of course it’s taking us time to get established. We’ll travel next year when the baby can come with, we can buy a house in roughly two years. How is this bad? We finally have enough to really live!

I’m pregnant and I’m in pain some days and all he does is complain that I don’t do this or that fast enough. I’m trying!! I take care of our 8 year old 100% of the time(I even homeschool him, schools here are crap for special needs kids). All he does is yell at the poor kid when he’s trying to calm himself or express his needs.

And as the big fat nasty cherry on top he’s upset that I don’t want a three-some. Yes you read that right. While pregnant.

Sorry if this is incoherent. I’m just so upset.

OP posts:
dragonbreaths · 30/05/2023 19:25

he's sounds like a right cunt and you'd be better off without him

27penny · 30/05/2023 19:26

Dear god. Put him in the bin 🗑

Summerhillsquare · 30/05/2023 19:31

Where did you find this prince among men? Because you need to send him back there right now.

Original poster
Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:33

He was never like this before. From the beginning he was normal, we would have a few small disagreements here and there but lately 😞

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 30/05/2023 19:34

You poor thing. What a horrible man. Do you have family would could help?

IncomingTraffic · 30/05/2023 19:34

The best advice for you is to see a divorce lawyer and file first. That matters in the USA.

bluedelphinium · 30/05/2023 19:35

Goodness me. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you'd be so much better off without him. Give him a cheery send off. He's abusive to your little boy and putting you through this while pregnant. A threesome, FFS?! The selfish wanker.

How are you set up practically for living apart, finances etc? I don't know how it works in the US for maintenance.

Original poster
Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:36

Yes fortunately i have my parents, they’re elderly but in pretty good shape.

OP posts:
AllTheWatersTurnedToClouds · 30/05/2023 19:36

First poster nailed it

bluedelphinium · 30/05/2023 19:36

Just a thought but could he have got in with a cocaine- using crowd if he's just got money, is acting aggressively and erratically? Doesn't make much difference, worse if anything but could explain the change.

perfectcolourfound · 30/05/2023 19:37

You would be so much better off without him. Your life would be happier and easier. You're doing all the parenting anyway. He just whines and whinges and feels sorry for himself. And rather than care for his pregnant wife, he pressures her to have a threesome and tells her to work harder. I'm shocked and disgusted.

Why would you even fancy HIM, he sounds useless and whiny!

If he's changed, it's possible he's met someone he fancies at work, I'm sorry to say, and is re-writing your relationship so you're the baddie and he's the victim who's put up with you for so long.

So sorry you're going through this. Focus on you and your little ones. Life will get better, but more than likely only by leaving him.

Original poster
Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:38

Money wise it would be a nightmare. I haven’t worked in years(I’m going back to college/university very soon). Who knows what he would pay honestly I’d settle for him just paying their health insurance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:39

He’s not out alone enough for that and luckily I handle all the money and banking

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 30/05/2023 19:39

Ugh I wouldn't even want a twosome with him.
As pp said, file for divorce and let him find out how greener the grass is not on the otherside.

Original poster
Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:40

I think he might have met someone at work. He keeps mentioning one specific woman. I’d rather have him just leave me for her than continue doing whatever the hell this is

OP posts:
MedievalNun · 30/05/2023 19:40

Yeah. I would boot him out; make sure you get good legal advice and are protected - and also that any health insurance he has with his job still covers you up to and post-delivery (U.S.!) in case of problems. Also, given the change - and I don't normally say this - but where's the new lady? The complete change absolutely screams new woman to me.

Hugs, though

Maighnuad · 30/05/2023 19:42

Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:33

He was never like this before. From the beginning he was normal, we would have a few small disagreements here and there but lately 😞

He was always like this but you sugar coated it like we all do.
so look at the facts you have a gorgeous son and supportive parents. Is this truly the man you want raising your kids ? And also the man you deserve. You are better than this.
it’s time to be selfish and look after yourself and your DC.
it might be hard for a time but it would be harder to stay with a man who is talking about 3somes when you are pregnant with his child. {hug} we have got you ❤️

MumApril1990 · 30/05/2023 19:45

Find a good divorce lawyer stat. Don’t let on your him until everything is in place,
in the meantime document any abuse or unkindness towards you and your son.

Thehouseofmarvels · 30/05/2023 19:45

Is he wanting the threesome with the specific woman at work?

Original poster
Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:47

Thehouseofmarvels · 30/05/2023 19:45

Is he wanting the threesome with the specific woman at work?

He hasn’t mentioned that yet. He suggested tinder.

Ew🙄

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 30/05/2023 20:23

Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:40

I think he might have met someone at work. He keeps mentioning one specific woman. I’d rather have him just leave me for her than continue doing whatever the hell this is

I was going to suggest this based on your earlier posts. He’s trying to push you to leave so he doesn’t have to be the utter arsehole who left his pregnant wife.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 20:26

Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 19:40

I think he might have met someone at work. He keeps mentioning one specific woman. I’d rather have him just leave me for her than continue doing whatever the hell this is

OR you can take the lead.

  • Find a good lawyer so you’re not screwed up (I’m think that you are pregnant and you will need health insurance yourself when the baby comes - at the very least). See what docs you need, what support you can have, how long he us supposed to support you once you’ve decided to part ways etc etc
  • Organise yourself so you have a plan re working and being financially independent
  • organise yourself re childcare and schools - see what’s available etc…
  • have an STD check (in case he is having an affair Wo protection)
  • Decide who will be at the birth. Him?? Your mum?
  • distance yourself from him. Grey rock whilst you get ready to do whatever is right fir you - rather than waiting for him to decide when he will screw you up. Likely when you are at your most vulnerable, around tte birth isnt impossible.
  • Talk to people in RL. You need RL support.
FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 20:28

TheFlis12345 · 30/05/2023 20:23

I was going to suggest this based on your earlier posts. He’s trying to push you to leave so he doesn’t have to be the utter arsehole who left his pregnant wife.

Show quote history

You’re right.

Which also means he is likely to become more and more awful as you get nearer to your due date.

How is tte law in the US? Is the child automatically his because you are married, even if you’ve separated?

Myalternate · 30/05/2023 20:51

Tell him you’ve changed your mind and think a ‘threesome’ could be fun….providing you get to choose the guy. 😄

Original poster
Italktostraycats · 30/05/2023 21:02

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 20:26

OR you can take the lead.

  • Find a good lawyer so you’re not screwed up (I’m think that you are pregnant and you will need health insurance yourself when the baby comes - at the very least). See what docs you need, what support you can have, how long he us supposed to support you once you’ve decided to part ways etc etc
  • Organise yourself so you have a plan re working and being financially independent
  • organise yourself re childcare and schools - see what’s available etc…
  • have an STD check (in case he is having an affair Wo protection)
  • Decide who will be at the birth. Him?? Your mum?
  • distance yourself from him. Grey rock whilst you get ready to do whatever is right fir you - rather than waiting for him to decide when he will screw you up. Likely when you are at your most vulnerable, around tte birth isnt impossible.
  • Talk to people in RL. You need RL support.
Show quote history

Some states won’t allow you to get divorced while pregnant for custody reasons(you can still separate just not finalize anything) so I’ll have health insurance until then.

Prenatal care where I am involves a lot of STD test(plus drug tests) so that’s covered too.

I’m going to go back to school so that’s money and a future career for me.

If he leaves by then I’ll be giving birth alone in the hospital. Weirdly enough it doesn’t bother me at all.

OP posts:
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