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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father - daughter codependency

37 replies

Letsbepractical · 30/05/2023 10:20

When I met my boyfriend around 3 years ago I initially was pleased to notice his good relationship with his adult (late 20s) daughter. We don’t live together; she lives with him part time (the other time she’s at her mum’s). However, as the time progressed I’ve started finding it more and more awkward. It’s almost as if she’s his partner (apart from the intimacy): she does most household chores, gets him ready for work trips, looks after him when he’s unwell. They text constantly (easily 20 -30 long texts a day) when they are apart. I’m not jealous of this closeness, I’m just more and more confused how I’m supposed to fit into this dynamic as a partner.
I’m pretty sure if I mention codependency I’ll be seen as the bad person who’s trying to damage the father-daughter bond because ‘no one understands him as she does’.
Shall I run - or does my relationship stand a chance? WWYD?

OP posts:
Fiddlededeefiddlededoh · 30/05/2023 10:23

Yep that is an extremely unhealthy dynamic and it points to a significant parentification of his daughter that she feels doing this is normal. I would run a mile to be honest.

Scarfitwere · 30/05/2023 10:26

It seems a bit odd particularly if she's late 20s - why is she still living with her parents? Probably time for a frank discussion with your partner before making any decisions. Sounds like it may cause a problem if you want to move in together in future.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 30/05/2023 10:33

My ds is 29. We text several times a day..

Fiddlededeefiddlededoh · 30/05/2023 10:51

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 30/05/2023 10:33

My ds is 29. We text several times a day..

I don’t think that is what @ArseInTheCoOpWindow is describing unless your son basically acts as a surrogate partner as well as the texts.

Daisymoo222 · 30/05/2023 11:43

Are u the same lady who said about her step daughter turning up to stag do with her dad?

Yeah the dynamic does seem a bit strange.

Original poster
Letsbepractical · 30/05/2023 11:51

@Daisymoo222 - no I’m not the same poster…
@ArseInTheCoOpWindow - I have an adult child, too, and we text regularly, but I’m talking staying in contact ALL the time, reporting on every hour of the day, sending hear emojis every day….it just feels weird and excessive.
it’s like their lives are so enmeshed that they can’t function without each other.

OP posts:
Softoprider · 30/05/2023 11:53

Throw him back OP. You have doubts is enough. There will be someone more suitable.

purplecorkheart · 30/05/2023 11:56

Honestly I probably would walk away. He sounds like a man child who needs servant.

aflix · 30/05/2023 11:58

Daily heart emojis? This won't end well for you OP.

Livelifelaughter · 30/05/2023 12:19

My ex had has an adult daughter who lived up the road from him with her they constantly message etc and would see each other a few times a week...BUT it became a pain and awkward as you say. I felt in many ways she behaved (apart from the intimacy) as his girlfriend, she would want to go out to dinner with him and his friends, would suggest they have lunch for valentines... It's very tricky and I felt quite resentful and that feeling built up. What seemed to hurt was his utter obliviousness to my feelings when his daughter was concerned. It's very tricky and I wouldn't let myself be in that situation again. Personally, I think it's unlikely to improve unless she moves on with her own life. In my situation I felt the daughter was quite manipulative, there was a second daughter who was the opposite, just wanted her dad to be happy. Sorry OP I don't think it's a great situation at all.

Riverlee · 30/05/2023 12:25

You’ve been together three years. Given the choice between a meal with her in the pub, or you, who does he choose (barring emergencies)? Does he have to run his plans by her before confirming them with you? Or text her during the meal etc. ie, who does he prioritise?

it may be that they’ve fallen into a habit where she has done the household chores, looked after him when I’ll, etc. if he was working long hours, for example, maybe that was her contribution to the running of the house etc

Naunet · 30/05/2023 12:30

He’s not a good guy, he’s treating his daughter like she’s his 1950s wife FFS, does he really feel so entitled to a female skivvy that it even gives him an excuse not to act like a parent to his own daughter?

Neodymium · 30/05/2023 12:31

That sounds like an unusual relationship. Seems like his ex probably did everything for him and when they broke up rather than growing up his daughter just moved in and took over as his carer. Reminds me of that Tracey Chapman song where she says she quit school to take care of her alcoholic father.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/05/2023 12:33

I wouldn't want to be with a partner who leaves the household chores, looking after when ill etc to the nearest woman

I also wouldnt want to be wondering where I fit into that. That implies you are trying to work out which chores you could do etc

I feel sorry for the daughter but why on earth would you want to be with a man who cant fully function as an adult

Bathintheshed · 30/05/2023 12:36

The dynamic is certainly strange, and I feel sorry for the daughter. But my main concern would be that he treats his daughter like a slave and even if that stops, he would expect someone else to step into her place, probably you. He's not a good guy, throw him back.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 30/05/2023 12:40

I would find this deeply unpleasant, I'm a lone parent and I don't expect my children to look after me in this manner, take part in cleaning together, yes, but prepping me to go away? This wouldn't be for me, I don't blame her though, she's probably done this to care for him and keep close and he's let her.

Original poster
Letsbepractical · 30/05/2023 13:06

Thank you all for your contributions. He doesn’t expect her to do the chores or look after him. She lives an isolated life and relies heavily on her parents’ company. My DP & his daughter both see her (over)involvement in his life as a way of expressing care & support for each other. He says that he doesn’t want to reject her support as she’d get upset by it. I’m starting to think that the only way to change this dynamic is for her to start living independently and have own purpose and support network outside family. But she has no incentive to do so at the moment and she’s not encouraged to make such changes. It’s not that I cannot wait to do the chores at his place- I just find this dynamic unhealthy and disabling for the progress of our relationship.

OP posts:
Yankeescot · 30/05/2023 13:07

I dated a guy like this about 10 years ago or so. Daughter was mid-20's at the time and the co-dependency was off the charts. She lived with her Mum, although her and Dad were always together. And I mean ALWAYS! She only slept at her Mum's.
If they by some slim chance weren't together, they were texting each other constantly like teenagers in love, she brought him and had lunch every single day to work, he sought her approval to go out without her. It was all so unsettling and a weird dynamic. On our 3rd date to a lovely seaside restaurant, she walked in right by his side(he didn't tell me she was coming)! She wanted to meet me but I was definitely the 3rd wheel on the date. Texted me after date saying she liked me and he was ever so pleased about that. He only went out to pubs with her and her Brother's friends. Brother was 18 so a bunch of late teens/early 20's. He was 46 at the time. He didn't go out with his own friends, only teenagers.
I didn't know what to think of it all. Went on one more date and sure enough, he walks in with her again. This time she was fawning over him and that was it for me. It actually crossed the line to gross for me. Her hand on his leg, his arm around her shoulder. Lots and lots of physical contact between them and sat across from me. He actually texted me the next day to say that he needed to end it with me as his DD had decided him seeing me was interfering with their special time together. At least he beat me to the punch as I was done after that last date.
I totally get where you're coming from OP.

Riapia · 30/05/2023 13:44

This reads to me that theDD is so desperately dependent on her DF that she is prepared to do anything to ensure that he has no need of anyone else in his life.

Livelifelaughter · 30/05/2023 13:56

Riapia · 30/05/2023 13:44

This reads to me that theDD is so desperately dependent on her DF that she is prepared to do anything to ensure that he has no need of anyone else in his life.

Agree. I think there can be a real possessiveness with daughters and their fathers. I found it exhausting, some weekends I wouldn't know what we were doing because the daughter hadn't decided her plans which might involve lifts etc....at age 24

Softoprider · 30/05/2023 13:56

Wow @Yankeescot I found that incredibly uncomfortable to read. Boundaries totally destroyed and obliterated

Original poster
Letsbepractical · 30/05/2023 14:00

@Riapia sounds familiar. Daughter seems supportive of our relationship but occupies so much of father’s time & attention that maybe subconsciously she’s not ready to let him go.
But truly, I think it’s his responsibility to set healthy boundaries and he’s not doing it….

OP posts:
Tellmeimcrazy · 30/05/2023 14:03

In some cultures this isn't abnormal. Are they British or?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 30/05/2023 14:07

Yikes. I’d be out of there. 😬

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 30/05/2023 14:09

Some of the stories on this thread are making my skin crawl. So inappropriate.

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