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Original poster

Do you forgive cheaters?

53 replies

Jessie1995 · 30/05/2023 09:46

Hi everyone,
I have been with my partner for 8 years have a house a dog and are engaged. Even went to view our wedding venue Saturday.

found out Sunday that he has been texting a girl from work ( I have not seen the texts as they were deleted) and flirting with each other, which ended up as a kiss on a work night out. He has told me it has gone no further than this.

I also found out that her partner found out and got her to block my partner on all social media/text etc. my partner then tries to find a way to contact her and finds her on another social media site to message her. He proceeds to send her a birthday present- whilst saying he didn’t have much money for my birthday!!

I feel so sad and hurt and haven’t stopped crying.

8 years a house a dog is a lot to throw away I still love him but is that too much?

have any of you been cheated on before and forgiven your partners and how did it work out? / how long did it take?

OP posts:
babybunny123 · 30/05/2023 12:53

Would you believe in the vows you would both be making on your wedding day?, absolutely not. You would never be able to ever trust him again. I'm really sorry for what has happened to you.

tova · 30/05/2023 13:06

It's easy to say, "never forgive a cheater" but I think everyone's circumstances and situations are different and there are times when someone might and it works out for the best. However, I'm sorry to say it but I really don't think that this is one of those situations OP. As PPs have said, he has shown an extreme level of disrespect towards you in too many ways, putting impressing her over you and continued to pursue her even when she had actively blocked him. He had an opportunity there to do right thing and stop but he didnt take that opportunity, instead he continued, showing himself to be a creep towards her as well as you. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. You're not the one throwing away 8 years, he is. Better to lose 8 years than end up in the same position further down the line and have given up even more of yourself and your life to this guy.

Shadowworry · 30/05/2023 13:13

Don’t throw away the dog - keep the dog

take the house - or at least 50% of it

and as much as you can to furnish a new one or buy him out and tell him to fuck off

concentrate on the dog! You didn’t do anything wrong or throw anything away - he crawled away

Emmamoo89 · 30/05/2023 13:16

Nope.

LifeExperience · 30/05/2023 13:21

No. If they'll cheat once, they'll cheat again and again.

HopelesslyDevoted2u · 30/05/2023 13:21

If you haven't got kids, leave

jdjshsbwhusushshehwh · 30/05/2023 13:22

I stayed for the kids. if we didn't have kids I would have run. There's no way I'm going to let my son take his exams while living in a hotel room or a hostel. No way.

If you don't have kids together, leave. You have nothing tying you to him, I know the house and the dog. Keep the dog, sell the house. leave.

SeulementUneFois · 30/05/2023 14:14

I personally wouldn't care about the sex side, but not being valued and she being valued instead by him (see the present thing) would be it for me.
(I say that in a situation where I had self esteem in a relationship, in my current one unfortunately I don't.)

Opentooffers · 30/05/2023 14:33

There's getting carried away in the heat of the moment when opportunity knocks. This isn't that, he sought her out when actively blocked. Then, the big betrayal, giving her a birthday present while claiming he could not afford one for you - that is far too much of a kick to the guts. It also shows there's more than a kiss going on. He's been totally putting her ahead of you.

FartSock5000 · 30/05/2023 14:38

@Jessie1995 8 years, a house and a dog are not going to sustain you if you carry on and he cheats and lies over and over because he absolutely will.

Cheaters need to put the work in to change themselves for the better. Part of that is recognising their harmful behaviour and your partner has not.

If you forgive and stay, this is what will happen:

You'll marry him and have a few kids. He will cheat on your constantly and get really good at hiding it because the high he gets from being sneaky makes is addictive. You will become a shell of your former self and you will be financially stuck with him giving him your best years until he walks out one day for a younger woman who doesn't have kids to ruin his fun.

You'll be left to pick up the pieces and struggle to house and feed the kids while he lives his best life.

Don't let him win. Dump him now, get yourself free and find a real partner who won't look to other woman to fill the void inside his nasty soul.

One day you'll both look back. Don't you want him to see you married and happily in love with a true partner while he hops from one superficial relationship to the next never really finding true happiness?

Cheats won't stop cheating just because you want them too.

End it, get all the dogs info ie chip and vet records into your name and see a solicitor about buying him out or selling up.

Be free! Find you again.

Sherrycat · 30/05/2023 16:47

I know what you're going through as I've been there. I stayed with my dh as he showed true remorse when caught & it made him come to his senses.

Your dp however didn't give a shit that he had been caught & continued on with it.

I know you have a lot together, but trust me, it's 10 times harder to leave once kids come along.

Picture yourself now how you feel, now imagine your future children are feeling similar cause he's done it again & you're splitting up. My dad did it to my mum numerous times & I hated him for ruining our family.

Run for the hills girl! Oh & massive hugs to you. I know it's the worst feeling in the world. It's been a few yrs now & I'm still not over it. If you stay it will eat away at you too.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/05/2023 16:59

I just don’t see how you can go ahead and marry this man, your wedding day is ruined whether you stay with him or not.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 30/05/2023 22:43

I couldn't forgive anything more than perhaps a quick drunken kiss and I think I would struggle with that.

If he's cheating now, I think I would be do nervous worrying about whether he really wants to get married and if he will actually show up on the day. I wouldn't be able to say my vows while questioning if he really meant his.

It wouldn't even be jealous over the thoughts of him with sunrise else that eould get to me, it would be the lies and lack of trust that would ruin it for me.

thisbathiscoldnow · 30/05/2023 22:56

Nope. You wouldn't be throwing anything away, he's done that.

Keep the dog, get rid of the dick head.

PickAChew · 30/05/2023 23:00

You're getting married, shortly, so supposedly loved up yet, already, he's looking for thrills elsewhere.

Don't get wrapped up in sunken costs. He's already moving on. Don't waste your life on a man who isn't putting you first.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 30/05/2023 23:08

My ex of 19 years cheated 4 years in, 16 years in and when I suspected cheating at 19 years in I said adios! I was correct and am glad to be finally free.
He probably cheated lots more in-between that I didn't know of.
Don't be me and waste the best years of your life.
PS.....I got the cat 😻 who is an arsehole, but very lovable ❤

WonkyPicture · 30/05/2023 23:13

My husband cheated 16 years ago. When I found out he was devastated and put everything in to reconciling. We had counselling etc etc. he was dedicated to me. It was intoxicating the effort he made. We had a fabulous marriage before and after, I thought it was a blip. Turns out the character flaw was simply lying dormant. He is who he is. The effort he made was only because that suited him at the time.
However he's only that person during good times, another time when his anxieties were high and circumstances presented themselves again, he cheated. I've kicked him out, the pain has been horrendous but no way he's getting another chance to treat me so appallingly.

The fault was not with me, I am a really nice person, I'm attractive and fun; not saying this in a braggy way, just saying I'm not the cliche of a boring older woman who let themselves go), the fault is 100% his character flaw.

BlastedPimples · 30/05/2023 23:16

He is who he is.

Never a truer word @WonkyPicture

Daffodil63 · 30/05/2023 23:34

What I would give to walk away from only 8 years invested and no children. If only OP. Leopards don't change their spots. He won't change. He will do it again and quite frankly your life with him has barely begun and already he has rubbished it. Run for the hills!

WonkyPicture · 30/05/2023 23:39

BlastedPimples · 30/05/2023 23:16

He is who he is.

Never a truer word @WonkyPicture

I'm not even saying it was inevitable, different circumstances and he may have remained faithful forever, in good times it is absolutely who he wants to be, it's just that when certain things all fall together he'll revert to type. Self centred and needy is his default state.

mintty90 · 31/05/2023 00:37

Its not worth the drama i forgave once and he done it again dont put up with it .
Its just not worth it he will say the same as the rest im sorry i will never do it again i love you i want you i dont know why i did it bla bla bla then bang he`s got away with it but you will all ways think what is he up to will he do it again etc .
your worth more .

Namechange666 · 31/05/2023 13:13

Just from the meanness of him saying he didn't have enough for your birthday then buying her a gift, is basically a symbol of how much he respects you and thinks of you.

After 8 years, he is saying you aren't worth even that to him.

Op you will be so much happier on your own. He's cheated on you fgs. You don't need this waster in your life.

Treat yourself better. You'll always be wondering everytime he goes out will he do it again. Is that a life worth living?

perfectcolourfound · 31/05/2023 18:24

Being engaged is probably the most romantic time of a relationship... still relatively early days but realising this is 'it', planning a wedding, imagine your future life together.....

If he's cheating now, how on earth will you ever trust him?

If you'd had 30 years together with no problems and he made a one-off out of character mistake when your relationship was going through a tough time, you might consider it (even then I'd struggle to move on from cheating), but he's cheated when you're in the 'honeymoon' stage of your relationship.

It's one thing to have to deal with your husband cheating on you, it's another to walk in to marriage with someone you know has cheated on you.

He doesn't deserve your forgiveness. And it sounds as though even if you gave it to him, it would only be a matter of time before he did it again. You could go through life never sure if you can trust him.

You should start a marriage full of love and hope and optimism. If you have to make allowances and deal with cheating and lying before the wedding day, you should't be getting married. And if you make allowance now, that's a message to him that he can get away with it.

So sorry you're going through this op.

Frogger8395 · 31/05/2023 20:14

I lost all respect for him for being so desperate to stay with me. It gave me a massive insight into how my XH felt all the times I stayed.

This should be talked about more because it’s something to really be aware of. It’s not uncommon for that disrespect to turn into abusive behaviour.

SirenSays · 31/05/2023 21:35

No. I'd never give someone the chance to cheat on me twice. I'd never be able to trust them again.