I’m wasting my time aren’t I?

[Newnamesoembarrassed]

I’ve been seeing someone since January. I think the world of him. See him 2-3 times a week mainly at his. Sex is great. He holds me and kisses me and makes me feel like nothing else matters. He has taught me to cook, got me to seek counselling for deep rooted childhood traumas, remembers important things. We laugh, talk through important stuff, share what happens in our lives.

He goes on dating websites and picks up other women for sex.

He’s honest about it and will answer any questions I have.
He says he can’t be a boyfriend to me because he might let me down- all related to his previous relationship breakdown and a nasty custody battle. It broke him. Says he needs to keep things casual between us but behaves with me like we are a proper couple.
Every couple of weeks he meets up with and shags a random woman. It’s breaking my heart.

He says it’s only fair I do the same, encourages it.
This wk after a night of having a great time in bed with me all night, he wouldn’t let me touch him the whole of the next day until I went home. Today he said he met another woman for sex. He might see her again just for sex then tried to make wkend plans with me. I can’t stop thinking that he didn’t let me near him Saturday so that he could save his energy/sex drive etc for today when he met her. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart.

Im wasting my time aren’t I? He doesn’t want me. He wants the convenience of me. He wants the girlfriend experience without the girlfriend.
Im not enough for him.

But hes playing you too.sick little games.another woman might handle it or play him at his own game.you cannot.ghost him

Yes, it seems like there’s nothing but heartbreak if you stay with him.

OP you have to walk away from this. Stop analysing his behaviour or trying to interpret something underneath it.

Regardless if he likes you and enjoys your company, which it sounds like he genuinely does but he does not want a relationship and does not see you as a girlfriend or someone more than a friend with benefit.

It’s nothing to do with being “good enough” or anything like that, you are good enough, he just doesn’t want a relationship and he isn’t going to change his mind.

he’s told you, you are choosing to inflict this pain on yourself.

Be brave, tell him you can’t see him anymore, wish him well and ask him not to contact you. Take some time to be upset then dust yourself off and carry on.

There are a million fish in the sea and plenty of them will want and appreciate your time and energy and will fully match it with their own.

The type to do this aren't the 'honest' type. He knows he's hurting her but then says he couldn't be her boyfriend because he'd let her down, but he very much knows she's already hurting because of this.
I think he likes treating her that way because decent honest people don't like hurting others, even if the other person puts up with it.

Sorry but he is awful to you, surely nothing can make up for him withholding affection for his next shag which is immediately after time with you?

The only small positive is that he is being honest with you which gives you the perfect reason to leave

He could, as did my ex, shag around behind your back & gaslight you till you didn't know what day of the week it was

Please find some courage to dump him

So he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you as he “might let you down” yet he is happy to take all the good from you whilst continually letting you down by actively looking for and having sex with other women literally the day after being with you! Right ok then! I don’t understand why you would even want to be with someone like this? He’s using you, and you are letting him; this situation is not making you happy and you will never be in a relationship so why are you wasting your time?

Know your worth x

Its a FWB relationship ; he's clear and straightforward about that. He's not looking for an exclusive couple relationship. Maybe he never will. But he clearly enjoys spending time with you (not at all like the one night stands).

Is an exclusive longterm relationship what you actually want at this stage of your life?

You need to decide if his many positive qualities make him such a nice friend to have, you're willing to compromise. Enjoy him as he is. Don't plan a longterm future.

Your mental health will suffer if you continue with this relationship

please do yourself a huge kindness and walk away now x

He’s a complete head fuck.

I was hoping by the time I posted this you would have already dumped him.

Don’t keep putting yourself through this utter misery.

Get rid. You are too good for this 'injured' man.

It's a standard FWB situation - sounds like he's been very open and honest right from the start.
OP, knowing this you simply choose to take it or leave it.. Some of the responses on thread are hilarious 😂

In this situation, I wonder how he would react if you told him you see his point, are going to do the same and then backed off completely?

You don't need to lie, just be very unavailable for the next few weeks.

With a bit of space I think you would realise he's not all that after all.
There will be plenty of other men out there who wouldn't dream of this (granted, plenty would given half a chance)

He's getting away with this because he can.
His next 'girlfriend' won't be so obliging.

Yes you are. For the sake of yourself and respecting your own feelings, move on now.

At best, you want very different things from a relationship.
At worst, he's a thoughtless selfish creep who is playing with your head.

Either way, this relationship won't make you happy and it could drive you mad.

For the first 2/3 months we were exclusive, or so I thought.
Then he dropped the bombshell.

I was already hooked. So no, he wasn’t honest from the start. I guess I thought he would get it out of his system after the first time and knowing how he is with me etc, I thought he’d change his mind after an initial freak out when we started getting serious. I told myself I was grateful he had been honest.

Did you discuss being exclusive or did you assume you were?

At the end of the day, you'll be the one who gets hurt as you want different things. I would cut your losses and end it with him.

He knows how much he means to you, this is cruel. Tell him your heart is hurting and you need all or nothing in the future and let him miss you xx

He has been clear and sincere with you, you are accepting to have that situation. Get out of there running, men are very honest when they say they want to keep things casual. If one day he wants to get engaged, he will do it with a woman who has not made "things easy" for him. You know how some people think about not buying the cow when you can buy the milk. You deserve something better

Some waste years of their lives in situations like this, don't let that be you . Think of the future you want and start it now, day at a time x

Going by your last post, he isn't the nice honest person everyone keeps saying he is. He allowed you to think it was a normal relationship whilst shagging around and having reeled you in, then decided to see if he could get you to put up with his behaviour. You're not stupid, so please don't put yourself down. You are however, vulnerable and he has used this to manipulate you.

Try to see that he is not a good person and what he wants is not for you as it is eating away at you and your self esteem. He wants you to be available whenever he decides to use you, but it's not all about what he wants in the relationship. What you want should matter more to you. Next time he contacts you, take a deep breath and just say or message "this isn't working for me. I don't want any more contact from you." Don't bother to say "it's over" as from his point of view, there wasn't an "it". You need to follow this up with blocking him on every platform and not responding to any further communication from him. You don't owe him an explanation or the opportunity to talk things through as he didn't see it as a relationship anyway. You need to go cold turkey to get over this one. There are other nice guys out there who you can share your day with and have a good friendship with and one of them will be good enough for you; he isn't.

He is not hurting you OP, you are hurting yourself. You are acting as if this is something that is just happening to you when the truth is you have full agency over yourself & your own actions & can stop this anytime you want.

ONS - just sex
FWB - sex & friendship

This is a standard FWB situation, all the things he’s been doing like teaching you to cook, remembering dates & treating you well comes under the friendship part of the deal.

This sort of situation would suit some women down to the ground but you are not one of them so you need to take your power back & get out.

Also OP, the reason you think the world of him is precisely because it is FWB & not a real relationship - you are getting all the best bits (of a relationship & of him) with none of the drawbacks. You aren’t arguing about housework, putting up with interfering in laws, dealing with his bad habits, trying to manage mental loads, dealing with his emotional baggage & idiosyncrasies etc. If you were in a real relationship the rose tinted glasses would soon come off & you’d realise he’s not that great. This is exactly what happens with affairs, as you only experience the best of the other person in them, everything seems exciting & amazing but once real life gets in the way, the wheels usually fall off.

He sounds awful OP. What a sleaze. He didn't tell you for the first few months because he wanted to see if you were actual girlfriend material. He then decided you weren't so came clean about shagging around and when you didn't run a mile he's kept you dangling. He may well like you as a friend who he has sex with but he likes himself much, much more. Run a mile and don't look back.

This.

Please raise up your standards from the gutter...