I’m wasting my time aren’t I?

[Newnamesoembarrassed]

I’ve been seeing someone since January. I think the world of him. See him 2-3 times a week mainly at his. Sex is great. He holds me and kisses me and makes me feel like nothing else matters. He has taught me to cook, got me to seek counselling for deep rooted childhood traumas, remembers important things. We laugh, talk through important stuff, share what happens in our lives.

He goes on dating websites and picks up other women for sex.

He’s honest about it and will answer any questions I have.
He says he can’t be a boyfriend to me because he might let me down- all related to his previous relationship breakdown and a nasty custody battle. It broke him. Says he needs to keep things casual between us but behaves with me like we are a proper couple.
Every couple of weeks he meets up with and shags a random woman. It’s breaking my heart.

He says it’s only fair I do the same, encourages it.
This wk after a night of having a great time in bed with me all night, he wouldn’t let me touch him the whole of the next day until I went home. Today he said he met another woman for sex. He might see her again just for sex then tried to make wkend plans with me. I can’t stop thinking that he didn’t let me near him Saturday so that he could save his energy/sex drive etc for today when he met her. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart.

Im wasting my time aren’t I? He doesn’t want me. He wants the convenience of me. He wants the girlfriend experience without the girlfriend.
Im not enough for him.

It is NOT the case that you are not enough for him OP, please don’t go down that route of blaming yourself! He is just incapable of committing to one person . His fault entirely, not yours. Finish it and protect your self esteem. If you keep going with this you will just keep feeling awful about yourself (trust me I have been there, and never again!)

Ah come on.. the first time he told u he was meeting randoms for sex online should be the last time u seen him. Rank. Just rank.

This reminds me of that just be good to me song.

In reality, you are breaking your own heary by continuing to allow this. There are other great guys that you can amazing times with that don't go shagging other women. Is this all you are worth to yourself?

Treat yourself how you deserve and by that, it's how you allow others to treat you.

I will give it to the guy that at least he is honest with you. But seriously, this is not it.

You say you're working on your childhood trauma, I doubt the little girl inside of you would want this to be her future.

Work on that little girl by showing her from now on you'll only accept the best and treat yourself how you should. Show her respect. You can do this.

Heart* sorry for typos.

I would classify this type of man as a manipulative mind-fucking creep. It's fine to have casual flings. But to draw someone in, who you know is vulnerable, with behaviour that mimics true respect, love, intimacy and then flip that behaviour and refuse intimacy, discuss other sexual encounters etc - that is, imo, cruel and emotionally immature.

I would back away completely. Raise your standards. Decide very clearly what you want and don't want, what you will and won't put up with - write it down! and raise your game. He's not meeting your standards so you will cool off and look elsewhere.

I bet he'll come running. Please stay aloof. You don't need an emotional bully and tease dominating your love life.

Seeing him is self abuse. Nothing else. Sorry OP - it really is just self harm.

You're vulnerable. If he was so mature and self aware he would have left you alone when he realised you wanted a proper relationship. But people aren't always decent even if they aren't clear cut goodies/ baddies. Take the good from this- the new cooking skills and counselling- and back off from him.

He's not what you want or need and has approached this very wrongly. Casual dating is fine but he has blurred the lines between this and an open relationship with the frequency you see each other, your vulnerability, his emotional and practical involvement. With an open relationship, the right thing to do is agree on it before starting. He also seems to be getting some kick out of telling you about the other women.

This will utterly grind your self esteem into nothing and it won't take long. Please find the strength to tell him this isn't what you want, so goodbye. He will probably try and win you round. Hold firm. You will meet someone eventually who cares about you and doesn't want to shag around.

you sound lovely, he does not, he must love having a girlfriend without commitment, and also that sex as well, but it's not good for you. I don't know anyone who would be cool about this. Definitely time to move on, although it must hurt as it's clear you have a good connection, but he's not long-term boyfriend material that you need to live your life.

This.

He's been clear about what he can offer. And good for him, rather than leading people on pretending it's a proper relationship while being dishonest.

You're just FWB, you have a nice time but there's no future and no exclusivity. Either accept this for what it is or end it.

@FuckTheLemonsandBail spot on

Hi @Newnamesoembarrassed sorry you're going through this xx
Honestly, don't give this guy anymore of your time, this will make room in your life for someone who will love and respect you.
Hope everything works out for you xx

Dear OP

Please see a therapist. The only person who can save you, is you. Therapy will help you to unpick what has happened to you, and what you keep repeating, so that you can make better, healthier choices. If you do, and if you stick with it, you will look back and understand that all of it is related, and that you are absolutely enough right now, even if you cannot believe that simple and true statement. It'll take time to remove the blocks to your feeling this truth; that is all.

Bless you. He wants the lovely gf (you) but none of the commitment. The fact he is off sleeping with other women while you sit at home upset is terrible. Also he could be picking up anything from all these random strangers he is sleeping with. Leave him to it. I would walk away now before you end up falling in love with this person. X

He says he can’t be a boyfriend to me because he might let me down

I would read this as:

“I don’t want to be your boyfriend.”

Yes you are. He doesn't want what you want so move on.

I don't think he's being horrible at all.

He is being completely honest about what he is offering.

It's entirely up to the op if she accepts that or not.

So, whether you're wasting your time or not depends on what you want. Do you want soneone to progress a relationship with? Then, yes, wasting your time. Or do you want someone to enjoy the day with? Then, not wasting time. But it sounds like you want the former.

He's told you who he is and you just need to accept it and do yourself a favour and get your self respect back. He's honestly not worth it. It's also manky, shagging random women then climbing into your bed. He is using you and your letting him. He's not a nice guy, albeit honest.

He’s told you what he can offer. He hasn’t hidden it or pretended it’s a serious relationship. It’s nothing to do with whether you’re “enough” for him. For reasons of his own he simply doesn’t want a relationship. It’s not a reflection on you, so don’t internalise it. If anything, he isn’t enough for you, because this isn’t what you want.

You should’ve sent him packing when he said this was all he was good for, because he isn’t good enough for you. Don’t fall into the (very wrong) trap of thinking your worth is based on whether a man wants you. Prioritise yourself and what YOU want - and it isn’t him!

Sounds like he gets away with this behaviour for extended periods by being extra "thoughtful" to the women he sleeps with (the cooking, listening carefully etc.). Without that, he'd have to do it secretly, or wouldn't be able to get anyone to sleep with him. I've come across that type, at least. Did he have any other heart-wrenching background stories to make you sympathise with him, apart from his ex?
Sounds cynical I know, but I'd bet money on him not keeping the high-effort behaviour up in the long term, if it did last.

Agree with others that it's not about you. He's doing the same or similar to the other women. He's the one who's flawed here.

If someone tell you who they are - listen. You want different things and that’s okay but you need to move on otherwise your heart will keep breaking over and over again. Life’s too short for his shit.

Instead of thinking you are not enough for him, you should absolutely be thinking he’s not enough for you. He wouldn’t be enough for anyone. He wants to have his cake and eat it. I wouldn’t waste another moment on him, whatever his pathetic reasoning is for being so flaky.

Thank you.
I know I’m stupid. I know I need to walk away.
He just has such a hold on my heart.

At times I thought him telling me to go on a date with someone else was a test to see if I’d do it. Or if I acted crazy if he said he had met with someone, maybe that was a test too, maybe it was just something he made up.

He says he loves spending time with me, that I’m endearing and he misses me. But it’s all part of the act I guess. I feel like I’m going insane with the overthinking.

Also, I have to say though he has said I should, I have not been out with anyone else or even kissed anyone else. I just can’t do it.

Why should people who dont want relationships avd just wa nt shagging always end up sad and alone and old?? He has been honest.my mistake was not tp believe a man who told me many times i could never be his life partner.it seems to me that many people who do want love end up alone and sad and old.There are other forms of companionship.The husbands and wives i see miserable as sin.Call that not being alone???