Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is controlling. Do controlling people ever change?

29 replies

Han490 · 30/05/2023 00:23

Since we married, my husband has become controlling about some financial and family issues. He is also confrontational with people (with me, sometimes my family, and the general public) and he often raises his voice and gets angry. He has said mean and unreasonable things about my friends.

A family member told me that controlling people - such as my husband - can change their ways as long as they realise they've been controlling and if they want to change.

However, I have read this on the 'Psychology Today' website:
'reasoning with an abuser is not effective and the individual will probably never change.'

These seem to be opposing views. What do people think? Can they change? And have people seen them genuinely change in practice?

OP posts:
Niceseasidetown · 30/05/2023 00:25

Ffs. No. Unless you're going to actually take agency in your own life which sounds unlikely.

Ilovetea42 · 30/05/2023 00:35

There's a big difference in someone who is struggling with a need for control and someone who is abusive. Abusers are abusive by choice.. they choose to belittle
, control and undermine you because it makes them feel powerful and makes you work harder to meet their needs without getting any of your own needs met. An abuser won't change because it doesn't serve them to change. It serves them to continue to abuse which is why they do it repeatedly and purposefully.

Someone who is just struggling with control is generally just struggling with anxiety and worry. They won't like it, they will want to change it and will take the necessary steps like counselling or meds or being more holistic etc to address this because they do not want to hurt their family or loved ones. If you tell your dh that his behaviour and need for control is harming you and your relationship and he doesn't do anything about it/gaslights you/ makes it seem like it's your fault then he's not struggling with control he's abusive and you need to make preparations to leave. Womens aid will be able to help you with that when you're ready and they can give you support while you're in the relationship too.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2023 00:52

Men like your husband never change and they always get worse. Get out now, and FFS, don't have a baby with him.

Miss01 · 30/05/2023 01:19

No they absolutely don’t change. I’d look into narcissism. Dr Ramani is a good source to look up on YouTube.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/05/2023 01:38

I wouldnt be seen dead with a controlling combative confrontational loud mouth like that. You would, so he's no incentive to change. People like this don't change, the most that would happen is a woman seeing what he's like from the off and (rightly) not having anything to do with him. your best scenario would be to leave, instead of wasting your one life with him

Bananalanacake · 30/05/2023 07:28

Do you have DC. Who owns the property you live in. If you want to go out with friends on a Friday night would he stop you. Don't waste your life with a man who makes you feel bad for doing your own thing.

Summerishereagain · 30/05/2023 07:30

Research suggests some domestic abuser can stop as long as they have insight into their behaviour, filly accept they are too blame and work hard at changing but they can rarely do this with a partner they have abused.

Summerishereagain · 30/05/2023 07:32

Summerishereagain · 30/05/2023 07:30

Research suggests some domestic abuser can stop as long as they have insight into their behaviour, filly accept they are too blame and work hard at changing but they can rarely do this with a partner they have abused.

Sorry, so many typos.

BertieBotts · 30/05/2023 07:39

I agree with Ilovetea - it doesn't sound like anxiety in your DH's case, it sounds more like he is a bully.

People who are controlling because they think people should do as they say tend not to change because it comes from a deep seated belief that they have the right to tell you what to do, and changing that is very difficult and rare.

There's a great book called Why Does He Do That which is about control (including the more extreme forms of control e.g. violence, but also including more "minor" control as you describe) and it has a chapter about what causes controlling men to change and how to tell if change is happening. I found it very interesting but sadly, it did cement my view that it's rare/unlikely.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 07:41

I dated a controlling and combative/volatile man for a year and 3 months; he did not change by the time we finished.

More importantly, in context, his previous four relationships (that I knew of, there may have been other relationships) failed. Also I've been guilty of a little Facebook stalk every now and then in the years since; and he appears to have been mostly single.

It was obvious to me, from reading between the lines of what he was saying about past relationships (he was very very careful not to say anything in the first 3 or 4 months, but couldn't keep that up past that period) that his previous four relationships had failed in large part due to the controlling and volatile behaviour I was experiencing.

He, however, had other explanations for their failure,, mainly that these women were "damaged divorced single Mums" and "this one (me) would be different because she's not divorced"..... I was no different; because the problem was not the women, it was him. He was apparently unable to take responsibility for any part in the failure of the relationships; in spite of being controlling, possessive, hyper jealous, domineering, volatile, verbally abusive, deeply judgemental (his judgement did not extend to himself though) etc .
I could see that it was very unlikely he ever would take any responsibility due to his character.

This is a character and values issue; those don't tend to change.

WomanFromTheNorth · 30/05/2023 07:43

Just get out now. Life is too short.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 30/05/2023 07:47

Unless he fully understands that HE is the problem, and takes steps to change it, I would run for the hills.

My story echoes the other posters, and their advice is spot on. They won’t change and you cannot change them.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 07:52

I should add that his total and utter ability to take any responsibility for his own behaviour extended to character assassination of his (ex) partners.
He did this subtly, then increasingly not subtly, about his exes to me. And I'm fairly sure he did so to his family & acquaintances too. When our relationship started really tanking, he did the same to me (to my face), and I found it he was doing it about me to his relative/friend.

That was so much his MO that when we ended the relationship, while I was crying and upset (in spite of how shit much of it had been) he was repeatedly saying to me "don't bad mouth me, and I won't bad mouth you".

He was already bad mouthing me and no doubt fully intended to go to town after we finished.

He truly convinced himself of the character assassinations, I think; he needed to, rather than take responsibility.

He also did it because he was well aware that the women he dated might tell people about his controlling and volatile behaviour; and he felt he needed to get in there with counter "argument" that, if he exaggerated and trumped things up enough, might overwhelm anything they could say about him.

They won't ever take responsibility, and they even convince themselves that they're not responsible...or if they are, it's equal/two way responsibility.

wildfirewonder · 30/05/2023 07:53

What are the family member's qualifications in this area - do they work with controlling and abusive men or carry out academic research in this field?

They sound like they are both taking and selling hopium.

The best advice in a controlling relationship is to accept someone is who they are and frame your decisions accordingly.

CheeseTouch · 30/05/2023 07:53

Yes life is too short. I seriously wouldn’t bother. I would break up with them and let them free to work on themselves.

They have to really want to change and be prepared to prioritise it and put the work in. I have seen one controlling person change after repeated failure in relationships and they entered counselling as a single person.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 07:54

*inability, obviously

GoalShooter · 30/05/2023 07:55

I'm not going to say they never change. I'm sure some do. But the vast majority don't so it's a huge risk.

Has he taken responsibility for the controlling behaviour and committed to making a change? That's the first step.

villamariavintrapp · 30/05/2023 07:56

It's very unlikely. Does he want to change? Is he doing everything he can to try to change?

newnamethanks · 30/05/2023 08:02

No. The sense of reward and grandiosity controllers receive can't really be replaced by anything else. They need the ego boost to support their fragile sense of self. Move away, you won't win.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 13:22

newnamethanks · 30/05/2023 08:02

No. The sense of reward and grandiosity controllers receive can't really be replaced by anything else. They need the ego boost to support their fragile sense of self. Move away, you won't win.

This is a very insightful post.

They also seem to get a high/reward from throwing their weight around, dominating etc.

Thesharkradar · 30/05/2023 13:27

newnamethanks · 30/05/2023 08:02

No. The sense of reward and grandiosity controllers receive can't really be replaced by anything else. They need the ego boost to support their fragile sense of self. Move away, you won't win.

I also agree with this.
If you're used to having the upper hand in every situation it's difficult to accept anything less.
Furthermore with people whose first response is always anger ....once they're angry you can't reason with them, they get angry so quickly there's no 'space' for rationality or reasoning and they are unable to back down so you end up with locked antlers, and a massive headache 😣

raysan · 30/05/2023 21:39

Yes and no. I know someone who changed after his partner left, and around the same time, he realised that he was repeating a pattern from his Mam.

If you allow it, he will continue. If you set boundaries and don;t allow it... he will probably continue.
Why Does He Do That is a very helpful book

Hardthings · 30/05/2023 21:45

No they do not change
Get out now

insetinsects · 30/05/2023 22:15

No, they don't change. Read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Sorry you're in this situation.

Original poster
Han490 · 30/05/2023 22:58

Thanks so much everyone for your helpful thoughts and insights.

My husband hasn't yet acknowledged that he's been controlling. When I told him that I think he has been controlling, he got angry. I realise that acknowledging the issue is the crucial first step. But even if he does this, I have doubts that he'll change.

It's the same when I tell him I think he's been confrontational with someone and raised his voice. He just says 'well they needed to be told....'.

@TheoTheopolis23 so sorry to hear that you had to go through all that and thank you for sharing.

OP posts: