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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband is controlling. Do controlling people ever change?

29 replies

Han490 · 30/05/2023 00:23

Since we married, my husband has become controlling about some financial and family issues. He is also confrontational with people (with me, sometimes my family, and the general public) and he often raises his voice and gets angry. He has said mean and unreasonable things about my friends.

A family member told me that controlling people - such as my husband - can change their ways as long as they realise they've been controlling and if they want to change.

However, I have read this on the 'Psychology Today' website:
'reasoning with an abuser is not effective and the individual will probably never change.'

These seem to be opposing views. What do people think? Can they change? And have people seen them genuinely change in practice?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 30/05/2023 23:02

If you haven't had children OP, be glad and get out asap.

If you have children, organise yourself.

These men don't change and he sounds awful.

TheHandmaiden · 30/05/2023 23:02

No they don't change. It's part of how they are raised. Controlling people come from families with the same issue. All you have to do is look to your husbands family. That dynamic will be there, and no, you are not able to change that. Nor will he, assuming he ever thought it was a problem.

Save yourself, read the Bancroft book, get some money and make a plan to leave. Controlling people don't like it when their property leaves, and that's likely how he views you. He won't admit that either to you.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:07

Han490 · 30/05/2023 22:58

Thanks so much everyone for your helpful thoughts and insights.

My husband hasn't yet acknowledged that he's been controlling. When I told him that I think he has been controlling, he got angry. I realise that acknowledging the issue is the crucial first step. But even if he does this, I have doubts that he'll change.

It's the same when I tell him I think he's been confrontational with someone and raised his voice. He just says 'well they needed to be told....'.

@TheoTheopolis23 so sorry to hear that you had to go through all that and thank you for sharing.

You're very kind .... It was not a long relationship, I had no ties and it was nothing compared to what many posters on here have experienced.

I wish I'd ended the relationship when he stated showing the behaviour about 3 or so months in.

I don't think they ever change.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 30/05/2023 23:28

XDH was controlling - emotional, financial, sexual. He had a terrible upbringing which I could understand drove his need for control, but he didn’t recognise himself and my personality enabled him. Only when our marriage imploded did he change even slightly, and once he had me back on the back foot he went back to his old ways.

Why would your dh change?

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