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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be ok…

33 replies

MumsShark · 29/05/2023 22:14

with your partners ex texting them at 3am? (Shared children but not texting about the child and not an emergency)

OP posts:
YoSof · 29/05/2023 22:19

It depends - what did the text say?

If it was completely innocent, I’d be a bit “wtf” about the time, but not give it any further thought.

Emotionalmama · 29/05/2023 22:20

nope would not be ok with this at all. Unless it’s concerning the children/an emergency.

redheadcurl · 29/05/2023 22:22

Not unless an emergency regarding children

Ilovelurchers · 29/05/2023 22:25

How did you know about it? Doesn't your partner put their phone on silent overnight?

I tend to assume most people do to be honest, so if I am ever awake in the night, which I sometimes am due to health problems, I will often reply to texts I may have left earlier.

It's not a call - I assume the other person will see it and deal with it in the morning.

Might even have texted my kid's dad in the middle of the night occasionally (not sure) - but if I had I wouldn't have been intending to wake his current partner, nor intending any harm or distress at all!

Original poster
MumsShark · 29/05/2023 22:42

Because I was there? No phones are not on silent at night incase of an emergency, which this was not.

OP posts:
redheadcurl · 29/05/2023 22:46

Can you give us some idea what they text,

Original poster
MumsShark · 29/05/2023 22:50

Asking how they are

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 30/05/2023 00:15

How recent an ex?

MsDogLady · 30/05/2023 00:25

@MumsShark, I would be uncomfortable with that. It’s inappropriate.

Did he respond to her?

shieldmaiden7 · 30/05/2023 00:32

I wouldn't like it tbh. There's no need to be messaging at that time unless it's about the children or an emergency involving the children.

Also I have never put my phone on silent at night. I have teenagers and elderly parents. I doubt I'd wake up to someone messaging me though. They'd have to phone at least.

Original poster
MumsShark · 30/05/2023 00:50

Split 5 years ago. Yes I don’t know anyone who puts phone on silent it’s on for emergencies not for chit chat it’s rude to message anyone at that time.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 30/05/2023 00:57

I couldn't bring myself to bothered about it as long as his response was appropriate. It's his response that should be your concern not her actions.

I can't believe every single person you know sleeps with their phone on next to them in bed! Put it on vibrate at least, then a message won't wake you.

Original poster
MumsShark · 30/05/2023 00:59

It’s not about waking it’s on for emergencies….

OP posts:
Ilovetea42 · 30/05/2023 00:59

I wouldn't care provided I trusted my dh to enforce his own boundaries. She's maybe been drunk. She's maybe messaged him by accident instead of someone else. If he was jumping over himself to answer her and have a chat at 3am then yes I'd have an issue with it.

Original poster
MumsShark · 30/05/2023 01:01

Not mistake as it isn’t the first time. So you would be ok with your partners ex drunk messaging them 🤔 phones are on for emergencies only as that’s the only time I would message someone at 3am

OP posts:
Monty27 · 30/05/2023 01:02

She was probably partying naval gazing and wants to die of embarrassment today . I wouldn't give it too much thought. As long as it's a one off

NuffSaidSam · 30/05/2023 01:05

MumsShark · 30/05/2023 00:59

It’s not about waking it’s on for emergencies….

If there's an emergency they can ring you, ongoing vibration will wake you, but a one buzz message won't.

AllOfThemWitches · 30/05/2023 01:07

No

MsDogLady · 30/05/2023 01:20

(1) How did he respond to her?

(2) What did he say to you about her reaching out to him at 3 a.m. to inquire about him?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2023 01:23

MumsShark · 30/05/2023 01:01

Not mistake as it isn’t the first time. So you would be ok with your partners ex drunk messaging them 🤔 phones are on for emergencies only as that’s the only time I would message someone at 3am

The bigger issue is, what does your partner do when this happens?

Yellowtowelsdear · 30/05/2023 01:58

I don’t care who texts my husband, what time they text or what they say. I might care who my husband texts, at what time and what he says. What did he do about the text?

MissedItByThisMuch · 30/05/2023 02:47

Well it all hinges on his reaction and response surely? Which you haven’t provided so no one can really say.

Also am I the only person who has their phone on Do Not Disturb but set to let through calls/texts from certain numbers?? Best of both worlds.

Guavafish1 · 30/05/2023 02:51

Depends of partner responds to the message

hilariousnamehere · 30/05/2023 03:02

Meh, I'm often awake at 3am - like now - finish work, wind down and then reply to my various messages I've not been able to get to in the day. Including occasionally both my exes although we don't have children together. No one's ever commented on the timing waking them up - and everyone from my mum to clients gets their replies at the same time!

I also have caring responsibilities and my phone is always on Do Not Disturb, with the people who would need to call in an emergency set to override that, plus a setting where if any number phones twice in five minutes it will override and ring loudly. And I have a landline for backup if I'm needed urgently. I perhaps naively assumed everyone did this so they were available without being woken up by people who don't keep the same schedule 😂

All of which is to say, totally innocent on my part and the alternative is never replying to anything, but I'm not your partner's ex. So yanbu for being annoyed but neither is she for texting at daft o clock, and maybe ya a bit u for not having do not disturb set up on your phones Grin

hilariousnamehere · 30/05/2023 03:03

And because it's 3am I didn't clock this isn't in AIBU 😳 Stepping away from the internet now 😂