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Relationships

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Original poster

I have told my husband it is over.

54 replies

bluecathy1978 · 29/05/2023 15:54

I've been with my husband for over 23 years and married for almost 15.

We have 7 children together, the youngest of which is 7.

My husband has cheated on me several times throughout our marriage but I forgave him and we carried on. That is until recently.

My feelings of love for him have always come and gone, I assume this is normal is long term relationships as it can't be carnal lust 24/7!

However, my feelings have been gone for the last couple of years. We haven't had sex for 18 months and don't sleep in the same bed anymore. It is over.

I realised this a couple of months ago and I have met somebody else. I threw myself headlong into the new relationship but he has got cold feet. His reason being that he doesn't want to be responsible for my marriage ending but In my eyes is is already over.

This forced me to sit down with my husband on Saturday night and tell him that I want us to split up.
This isn't the first time I've talked to him about our marriage, in fact it's been many conversations we have had but nothing ever changes.

Since then though my husband has been acting as if we never had the conversation and the guy I've been seeing is not responding to my messages either!

My head is working overtime as I know that splitting up from my husband will be painful but necessary but I also have feelings for this other guy.

It all feels like such a mess. If I stay with my husband I have financial security as I haven't worked for the last 10 years and have no money of my own. I've been busy being a mother to my lovely children whom I'm forever grateful for.
But I feel like I also deserve some happiness and to feel loved.

I'm seeing the other guy later today as the ladt time we spoke he was very drunk. I dont think he thought that splitting up from my husband was on the cards but whatever happens I think it is the right decision for me and my own self esteem.

OP posts:

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/05/2023 15:56

If the other guy vanished, would you still leave your DH and make a new life without him?

ClusterFuckIt · 29/05/2023 15:58

Is this other guy going to want to take on a woman and 7 children? I’m not sure I would!

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 15:59

You have 7 children. What is your current living situation? Own house or rented?
Can you afford to split?

Can you get a job?

Oopsiedaisyy · 29/05/2023 16:03

My affair ended and it was at that stage I knew I had to leave my marriage, not for another man but because I knew the only way I could stay married was to cheat again.

Regardless of what the OM does, stay strong and leave. Co parent with your ex, but leave.

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 16:06

So you are a mother of 7 and have cheated on their father ?….
if this was flipped you would be told straight.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2023 16:06

You've told him it’s over, you don’t need his permission to file for divorce. The other man will probably run for the hills but you’re obviously not happy and you’ve both cheated - with so many children it’s amazing you’ve had the time and energy - so just make it official and go your separate ways. Staying because you don’t want to work isn’t a long term plan and if he finds out about your affair he’ll probably divorce you anyway.

SallyWD · 29/05/2023 16:06

I think you need to forget about the other guy while you make this important decision. If he wasn't on the scene would you still want to end the marriage? I see you certainly have good reason to - but also get the impression you're only ending things because of the new man. I don't think you assume he'll be there long term. It sounds like he might already have cold feet. You mention you have no income. Have you thought about how you'll manage financially? I agree it seems your marriage is over but just wondered if you've thought through all the practicalities.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2023 16:07

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 16:06

So you are a mother of 7 and have cheated on their father ?….
if this was flipped you would be told straight.

Her husband is a father of 7 and also cheated. Is that okay?

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 16:09

Stop focusing on your sex life and get yourself sorted out with regard to your marriage and a job. Honest to God, the idea of a woman with seven kids going off shagging a man on the side, just makes me really annoyed. And yes, of course the same would go for a man but the poster is female. Having an affair will wreck your children's lives.

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 16:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2023 16:07

Her husband is a father of 7 and also cheated. Is that okay?

Show quote history

Of course it’s not

SummerSimmer · 29/05/2023 16:14

You don’t need another man to split with your cheating DH.

GoodVibesHere · 29/05/2023 16:14

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 16:09

OP is saying her husband has had affairs too

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 16:16

It’s like it’s ok for her to have an affair because he had one first 😆

Bigmugoftea · 29/05/2023 16:18

Not really the point but can I ask how you have time to have an affair when you have such a large family?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 16:18

Stop being your own worst enemy and end the affair. I predict that man will be running for the hills anyway, once he realises you want to take this affair further.

The truth is that you need to get your shit together. You have no money, no job, and no ability to support yourself and seven children. Where would you live? How could you possibly find a home for you and seven kids with no money?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you can't just declare your marriage is over when you have seven kids to care for and you have no ability to do so independently. You need to get a job and make a plan.

dooneyousmugelf · 29/05/2023 16:22

You're definitely doing the right thing. If you'd just posted in your OP that you were in a loveless marriage and had met someone else, everyone would be telling you to leave your husband regardless of the other man anyway. You're actually saying you have told him it's over. Yes. Proceed with the separation, set the wheel in motion with all the practical stuff this time. He may want to keep plodding along in denial once again but you're right, you do deserve happiness and you won't be happy staying in your current set up. The other man is kind of irrelevant.

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 16:22

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 16:18

Stop being your own worst enemy and end the affair. I predict that man will be running for the hills anyway, once he realises you want to take this affair further.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you can't just declare your marriage is over when you have seven kids to care for and you have no ability to do so independently. You need to get a job and make a plan.

I don’t think there is a job that allows you to work full
tome whilst supporting seven kids. If there is I want to know about it please…. Because I don’t think my salary would stretch to supporting more that three

Motnight · 29/05/2023 16:23

Bigmugoftea · 29/05/2023 16:18

Not really the point but can I ask how you have time to have an affair when you have such a large family?

Multitasking 😬

WonkyPicture · 29/05/2023 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Simonlebonbon · 29/05/2023 16:28

Motnight · 29/05/2023 16:23

Multitasking 😬

Show quote history

I kind of feel a failure that some days I can't poo without my kids and this rockstar OP gets 7 and has time for a fling. Not usually impressed with cheating stories but this, credit where its due, some serious multitasking here!

@bluecathy1978 just be on your own with your kids, sure have a shag when they're at their dad's, but don't be looking for anything serious, you've enough going on.
Your husband sounds a bellend and the fling sounds overwhelmed, swerve both.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 16:30

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 16:22

Show quote history

I never said a job she could get would support seven kids, it certainly won't, but if she wants to end her marriage, she has to do something.

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 16:34

I guess there’s benefits

User63847484848 · 29/05/2023 16:35

It’s a lot of pressure for the OM and any relationship if he feels you’ve left your husband ‘for him’ and he’s basically said he didn’t want you to do that.

i think, as others have said, you need to think about whether this is the right thing for you anyway, regardless of the new man. With the infidelity and lack of physical relationship it sounds like it might well be! But then you need to be very clear with the other man that you’re doing this for you, that you’re grateful to him for helping you get the courage and realise it wasn’t a good relationship, but it’s the right thing for you regardless of what happens with him. I think that will give the two of you a chance but focus on doing what’s right for you and your marriage.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 29/05/2023 16:38

Why can't the husband have the kids and she can leave and get a job and a new life. She can see the kids on the weekends.

After all her husband started the cheating, he can now have the responsibility of caring for his children.

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 16:40

She can if she wants … I’ve just never met a woman that would want to do perhaps wrongly assumed that she would want to be with her seven children when not at work and/ or with the new boyfriend

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