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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have told my husband it is over.

54 replies

bluecathy1978 · 29/05/2023 15:54

I've been with my husband for over 23 years and married for almost 15.

We have 7 children together, the youngest of which is 7.

My husband has cheated on me several times throughout our marriage but I forgave him and we carried on. That is until recently.

My feelings of love for him have always come and gone, I assume this is normal is long term relationships as it can't be carnal lust 24/7!

However, my feelings have been gone for the last couple of years. We haven't had sex for 18 months and don't sleep in the same bed anymore. It is over.

I realised this a couple of months ago and I have met somebody else. I threw myself headlong into the new relationship but he has got cold feet. His reason being that he doesn't want to be responsible for my marriage ending but In my eyes is is already over.

This forced me to sit down with my husband on Saturday night and tell him that I want us to split up.
This isn't the first time I've talked to him about our marriage, in fact it's been many conversations we have had but nothing ever changes.

Since then though my husband has been acting as if we never had the conversation and the guy I've been seeing is not responding to my messages either!

My head is working overtime as I know that splitting up from my husband will be painful but necessary but I also have feelings for this other guy.

It all feels like such a mess. If I stay with my husband I have financial security as I haven't worked for the last 10 years and have no money of my own. I've been busy being a mother to my lovely children whom I'm forever grateful for.
But I feel like I also deserve some happiness and to feel loved.

I'm seeing the other guy later today as the ladt time we spoke he was very drunk. I dont think he thought that splitting up from my husband was on the cards but whatever happens I think it is the right decision for me and my own self esteem.

OP posts:

Gettingbysomehow · 29/05/2023 16:46

For Gods sake is this a joke? I think you need to stop thinking about sex and get some contraceptive advice.
As you have 7 children (WTF!) you should be concentrating on bringing them up properly not looking for random blokes to have sex with and to take you and your kids on.
Your husband should be doing this too, have you been on Jeremy Kyle recently?

Haffiana · 29/05/2023 16:49

Do you feel you only exist if you have a man?

JFDIYOLO · 29/05/2023 16:52

He was very drunk when you spoke.

You've known him a couple of months.

What are you thinking, going over to a drinker you barely know when you have all those children to consider?

The other man didn't think in a million years his bit of fun would announce she'd be rocking up with seven kids.

Even if few of them are still dependent, you're still not thinking straight.

Snoken · 29/05/2023 16:53

I don’t think you should count on the other man to stick around. A woman with 7 kids, no income and limited earning potential is a lot for anyone to take on. By all means leave your husband, but do it because you want to not because you have another man waiting in the wings. After such a long relationship you need to figure out how to be independent.

perfectcolourfound · 29/05/2023 16:56

Separate the two issues.

Your husband has cheated repeatedly for years. Understandably, you no longer love him. If you can work out the practicalities, you would be much better off apart.

Having an affair wasn't a solution to your marriage woes. It was perhaps a sign that your marriage was over (you already knew that), but if a marriage is over the right thing to do is to divorce. You're then free to date if you want to. Which brings me to....

You don't have to have another man to run to. You can divorce to your husband, be single a good while and find your feet again.

I'd have thought OM was perhaps after some fun but the seriousness of a woman with 7 children leaving her husband 'for him' has probably frightened the life out of him. He is a red herring. Try to forget about him and concentrate on removing yourself from your unhappy, unloving marriage.

FernGully43 · 29/05/2023 17:01

Sounds like you need to leave your husband regardless of what happens with the other guy

TeaParty4Me · 29/05/2023 17:05

Does your husband know you’ve been having an affair?

If not, you need to do the decent thing and tell him.

He is probably in denial which is quite common and so you need to move out asap to prove that you are serious.

A conversation about the children is also going to be had and it will probably be best if for now you move out but look after the children during the day so he can carry on working and they aren’t affected as much.

He may have different ideas though and you need to do whatever you can to reduce the impact on his and your children’s lives.

Mari9999 · 29/05/2023 17:16

OP, you need to focus on legally dissolving your marriage and dealing with any issues that your children may have related to the separation or divorce.

I would imagine that there are not a great number of men looking to form a relationship with a mother of 7. You are leaving one unhappy relationship to move into one with a man who gets very drunk? How is that in any ways a step up?

Before you find a man, you should find a job. You have 7 kids and no job. How do intend to provide your share of the financial support for these kids?

Before you satisfy your desire to feel loved, you need to satisfy their need to be adequately supported by both parents.

freshmint78 · 29/05/2023 17:27

What a mess this i why im happy single and childless i dont think with 7 kids id have the time for cheating .
Divorce move on without the need of a man a drunk man for the sounds of it your as bad as each other .

Freefall212 · 29/05/2023 17:29

You and your husband have been cheating on each other, you have taken on no financial responsiblity for the 7 children you have, and now you want to up and leave for a man who gets too drunk to talk to you.

What a mess for your poor kids.

Greentree1 · 29/05/2023 17:31

It must be nice to have found a man who finds you attractive after years of rejection, but as others have said he is very unlikely to stick around if you leave your husband. I know it's not fashionable, but is it really that bad at home? You have a home and security for your large family, it seems neither of you are faithful but get along well enough to keep the family together. The grass may seem greener but it's a hard world out there.

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 17:37

Im coming to think this is kids on half term as tbh it doesn’t sound that believable after giving it some thought. I don’t know how to report…. But I don’t think this is real

PrimalOwl10 · 29/05/2023 17:42

I don't be to blunt op but it sounds like om was enjoying having his cake and eating it, the fact you told him you want to split with your husband he's done a runner. He doesn't want a proper relationship with you that comes with 7 children in tow op reality has hit and he doesn't want to be with you.

IdealisticCynic · 29/05/2023 17:44

Kindly, OP, the other man is not going to stick around and take on a woman he barely knows and her 7 kids. He had an affair with a married woman and doubtless part of that choice was thinking it would be just sex and no commitment.

But ultimately this shouldn’t be about him. If you want to leave your husband then that is your decision. You have to make that choice and all decisions and plans working on the assumption the other man won’t be around. Would you still do it if you knew you’d be alone?

If so, then you can make plans and start divorce proceedings. Hopefully your husband loves the children enough that he will still be heavily involved in childcare and providing for them. But you must have that conversation and consider how to manage if he doesn’t.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 29/05/2023 17:56

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 16:22

I don’t think there is a job that allows you to work full
tome whilst supporting seven kids. If there is I want to know about it please…. Because I don’t think my salary would stretch to supporting more that three

Show quote history

Er… may I point out that the OP’s DH has been supporting 7 kids plus the OP?
So yes it is possible even if YOU don’t feel you would manage.

Plus if the OP is separating, her DH will still be paying CM (or so it should be) which will help too.

I can’t believe that some posters on here are basically telling the OP she can’t divorce because she won’t be able to pay for the dcs.
Since when is there anyone advocating staying together ‘for the lifestyle’??

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 17:59

FedUpWithTheNHS · 29/05/2023 17:56

Er… may I point out that the OP’s DH has been supporting 7 kids plus the OP?
So yes it is possible even if YOU don’t feel you would manage.

Plus if the OP is separating, her DH will still be paying CM (or so it should be) which will help too.

Show quote history

OP can do what they wish… if they are of course a true poster and not a half term fun maker!
I’m afraid I don’t think it’s possible to do both and am intrigued how working and being physically present for 7 children when NO OTHER adult around…. I know my boss would t allow me to bring 7 children to work, so I just wandered how it was possible… without another adult … have I missed an amazing work opportunity somewhere that allows the best of both worlds?

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 18:00

As I said I don’t believe this post to be real anyway so won’t be reposting.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 29/05/2023 18:01

@bluecathy1978 i think it’s good that you are waking up to how you are feeling.
I also think that waking to the fact you dint love your DH didn’t entitle you to have an affair. It really should have been realising what’s going in, separating and THEN looking for someone else.

Neither if you, between you and your DH has any respect for the other.

But ‘putting your duck in a row’ as per MN say is a good idea before having any talk of separation tbh. Esp if you don’t work and there are children involved.
Personally I don’t think there is any discussion that separating is the best thing for you to do.
But you really need to have an idea of 1- how you will live financially, 2- where you will live (as in you need a house big enough), 3- when you separate, what will you be entitled to (is there any assets in the marriage, are you in a council house etc….)
The by any means, move on.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 29/05/2023 18:05

If you haven't worked for 10 years I think you need to focus on getting yourself back into the workforce before you uproot 7 kids.

ButterflyOil · 29/05/2023 18:23

Is the man you’re having an affair with in a marriage/partnership? You mention it’s only been a couple of months seeing him en i means you and let know him so mo wonder he freaked out when you actually told your husband it was over. He’d already given you the ‘don’t want to break up a marriage ’ excuse - honestly what did you think he was there for? You’ve been married for donkeys years and have seven kids, he would have figured you’d never leave especially not so quickly and he could get plenty of illicit sex. How old is this OM and does he have kids too??

Blueskies13 · 29/05/2023 18:24

Leave for you. Not for someone else. Would be my only advice as a newly parent.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 29/05/2023 18:35

Promdressadviceplease · 29/05/2023 17:59

Show quote history

The youngest is 7. Meaning they are all at school in the day. Wraparound childcare is a thing.

BarelyLiterate · 29/05/2023 18:48

I’m not surprised the other guy started to get cold feet when you told him you were going to leave your husband. Given that you have 7 kids & no job, he is probably reassessing whether his relationship with you is really such a good idea. In his I position, I would be off like a shot!
Forget about him, or any other man, until you have resolved the situation with your husband and have separated, if that’s what you are actually going to do. You obviously need to take legal advice about division of the marital assets & support for the children.

monsteramunch · 29/05/2023 20:08

Based on another thread your priority needs to be contraception OP.

Shagging this other guy is pretty reckless behaviour considering you already have seven children to think about.

GoodChat · 29/05/2023 20:12

You need to end the affair now.

You need to get a job and be able to support your children.

He's acting as though the conversation hasn't happened as you haven't given any suggestion that it has.

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