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Original poster

Thoughts please?

28 replies

Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 13:48

So ex DP has moved in with his new partner , 3 weeks after getting In a relationshop , we have 3 DC and for context she has 4 (youngest is 4 months, eldest is 9 according to my DC)This weekend was his weekend and all 3 of our DC (age 3, 6 and 7) were made to share a single bed with one of her DCI am just at a complete loss as to how I approach this - do I say nothing and see what the sleeping arrangements are in two weeks or should I say something to my exdp (who will probably throw his toys out of the pram

OP posts:
peacelemon · 29/05/2023 14:29

I mean that's utterly ridiculous. Can you offer to buy an airbed?

HowRatherGolly · 29/05/2023 15:31

Get an air bed? what a tossed out question and lack of concern for the children involved in this.

Firstly this is a 3 week relationship. No way would I be happy for my ex to involve children in this already. His weekend should only involve your children and leave the new GF and her DC out, for at least 6 months. I mean if this is a 3 week new relationship it is shocking he even thinks this is ok.

Is this an individual that has known your exP for a while? or is this someone brand spanking new to your DC?

regardless of that I would tell my ex this is not acceptable if this is only a 3 week relationship. Poor kids.

Original poster
Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 15:38

Someone brand spanking new- when he last saw them on an evening a few weeks ago he took them to the park to meet her and one of her DC

She did send her DC to various family members so she could take my DC out with my ExDP on the weekend 🤦‍♀️ its very confusing for them, my 3 year old tells me he wants daddy home when I'm putting him to bed every night

I would have no qualms getting an air bed for my DC however part of me thinks its his time, so he should be sorting this as I already facilitate sending them with clothing etc

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 29/05/2023 16:01

There’s no way he should be introducing your kids to his new partner after a few weeks, let alone having them stay there, all in one bed! Completely inappropriate.

Also, not on you to buy the airbed. It’s his time and his time to provide an appropriate place to sleep. Besides, air beds often don’t last long, especially with children jumping all over them. If you provided one no doubt he’d be asking you to replace it within weeks. But regardless, they shouldn’t be staying with his brand spanking new partner anyway!

Original poster
Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 16:08

I completely agree and have voiced my concerns but they appear to have fallen on deaf ears - I struggle to fathom why his new partner would see this as OK or normal too!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 16:34

I would just say that he can only see them for an hour or two at a time and to take them to the park then. There is no way I'd have him take my children to some skanky woman's house to sleep in a bed with her children. No fucking way.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 16:43

Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 16:08

I completely agree and have voiced my concerns but they appear to have fallen on deaf ears - I struggle to fathom why his new partner would see this as OK or normal too!

You're talking about a woman who let a veritable stranger move in with her and her kids, one of whom is only four months old, after dating him for only three weeks. I wouldn't trust these people to care for a dog, nevermind my children. Their judgment is appalling.

Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 18:58

This is insane, 4 kids shared a single bed? Was there no other rooms in the house??? Completely unacceptable

But the bigger issue is these children sharing a bed and a house with this mental case of a mother who thinks it's appropriate to move a man in with her 4 children after 3 weeks.

I know that what parents do on their own time is supposed to be their own business, barring neglect or abuse. But I'd honestly refuse point blank to hand my children over into this situation.

How often does he see them? Is there a court agreed arrangement? Are his family involved and can you talk to them?

Original poster
Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 19:09

There is no court order in place

Can't speak to his family because he tells so many lies

I gently mentioned to him earlier about it all being a bit too much for our DC and he said it's none of my business what he does with them on his time

Currently he has them EOW

OP posts:
Original poster
Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 19:14

Apparently it is a 3 bedroom house and 2 of her children weren't there so I'm not sure why they couldn't use the other room

Either way I am furious

OP posts:
Snoozingagain · 29/05/2023 19:15

How confusing for these poor children, I just would not let mine go, he needs to make arrangements to take them out.

Seaoftroubles · 29/05/2023 19:31

He sounds dreadful, and so does she! No way would l be sending them, your poor kids must be totally bewildered by the situation. Sod speaking to him 'gently', let him know you are furious and that he needs to make arrangements to see them on his own and not at this woman's house.

Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 20:16

Well if there's no court order in place then I would refuse to let them go. Let him moan about it, let him call the police, let him do what he likes. That is no environment for your children, one of which is only a toddler for gods sake, what the hell is he thinking? I'd inform his family that you won't be allowing the children to live in these conditions and have the backing of your own family when he inevitably kicks off. He can take you to court if he's that bothered and let him hear what a judge thinks about these appealing sleeping arrangements.

Original poster
Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 21:33

I don't have supportive family unfortunately, he is a fully blown narcissist

Yes I think you are all right, contact needs to be elsewhere or it stops entirely

OP posts:
Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 21:44

Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 21:33

I don't have supportive family unfortunately, he is a fully blown narcissist

Yes I think you are all right, contact needs to be elsewhere or it stops entirely

Absolutely, no doubt he won't make this easy for you but hold your ground. This living situation is appealing, not to mind the horrendous sleeping arrangements, 7 children in a 3 bed house is just nuts. Hopefully you have a friend or two who could support you?

Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 21:45

*appalling 🙄

Original poster
Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 22:01

I know, it took me a while to process when I picked them up yesterday- I've been going over it in my head and it really is not suitable for them, my eldest is already asking why daddy looks after 4 children but only sees him every couple of weeks

I do have supportive friends who will help me with the unquestionable backlash but I'm glad I posted as I was questioning myself initially as to if I was over reacting

OP posts:
Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 22:08

Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 22:01

I know, it took me a while to process when I picked them up yesterday- I've been going over it in my head and it really is not suitable for them, my eldest is already asking why daddy looks after 4 children but only sees him every couple of weeks

I do have supportive friends who will help me with the unquestionable backlash but I'm glad I posted as I was questioning myself initially as to if I was over reacting

Absolutely not overreacting OP. Even if it was just your 3 sharing a single bed in a house he lived in by himself I wouldn't think it suitable. But there's 4 in a single bed, one child a stranger and in a house where there's a total of 4 other kids. Your ex is batshit and I'd worry about this new woman if she thinks so little of her children that she'd move your ex and 3 children in after 3 weeks.

Can you send him an email / text and tell him that you will not be allowing this situation again so what is his plan for the next time he has the children? Give him notice that you'll not be handing the children over unless there's another plan in place.

Glad to hear you've got good friends OP, lean on them for support x

Original poster
Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 22:10

Thankyou, yes I'm going to send an email tommorow - I would do it now but I'm so angry it would come across all wrong because I really want to hurl insults so I will have slept on it then and I can compose a more responsible email which focuses on the best interests of our DC

OP posts:
Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 22:16

Sounds like a good plan OP, no doubt it'll go down like a lead balloon with him and you'll get backlash but it's absolutely in the best interest of your children to refuse contact under these circumstances. Have a good rest and if shit hits the fan and you need a chat, reach out on this thread.

Pixiedust1234 · 29/05/2023 22:22

My first thought was are you certain that 4mth isn't his? Its very strange for two people to meet/date with a new baby...unless it was over the veg counter in sainsburys.

Sorry, thats no help. Wishing you the best Flowers

Original poster
Thatsnotmyname1985 · 29/05/2023 22:29

Thankyou!
Yes the baby is most definitely not his - I know it is a strange situation but he has done similar before so that part doesn't surprise me , I'm just glad I have now seen the light and realised how much happier I and our DC are now without him being a constant stress /needing to walk on eggshells constantly

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 29/05/2023 22:48

So glad that you've realised that this was a totally unsuitable environment for your children. Don't let him try to bulldoze you into changing your mind, no doubt he will kick off but just stay firm and resolute. Its good that that you're starting to feel the benefits of a calmer and happier home without him. Wishing all the best to you and your children.

Blueskies13 · 29/05/2023 23:11

Completely not ok. Massive safeguarding issue to have the children in the bed of children they don’t know! I wouldn’t let my children round there let alone meet a woman he had known for 3 weeks!

Original poster
Thatsnotmyname1985 · 30/05/2023 18:45

I couldn't agree with you more , I hadn't thought of it from a safe guarding perspective 🙈 but this thread has been very useful in helping me word my email to my ex dp who of course thinks I'm talking absoutle rubbish and has now said he is within his rights to keep the DC next time as he is on their birth certificate 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
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