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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH, pills, night terrors

42 replies

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 02:22

I'll try and keep it brief.

I feel like I'm being such a bitch.

DH has been on an antidepressant for 15 years.
Its side effects for him were night sweats, night terrors, and a dead sleep.

So at night he gets super sweaty, shouts things out whilst dreaming, screams, hits out, kicks and in the morning it's a NIGHTMARE to wake him up. Which caused a lot of arguments because I would have to try like 6 times to get him out of bed.

Over the last 5 years he went from a very high dosage of this pill to the lowest.

And about 8 weeks ago, because of all that and some other issues he stopped it altogether.

The withdrawal was very bad.

He's been really mentally sick since coming off it. A completly different person in the day time. Anxious, scared. Cries alot.

He was already think but lost a stone.

He was put on a different antidepressant which didn't have the night time side effects but just wasn't helping him with the anxiety.

He said yesterday he can't take it anymore.

I can't stress how poorly he has been mentally without these tablets.

So yesterday he found a pack of his low dose of old tablets and took one.

And now it's 2am and I'm lay here, wide awake but already he's started to kick me and shout stuff.

And I know in the morning he will be hard to wake ( and he's really nasty because I try to wake him) After he's been awake 15 mins he apologises because he knows he's been rude but at the time he's so deep in sleep me rousing him just makes him say things like 'fuck off'

I just want to cry.

Our relationship the last week, even though he's been really anxious and unwell, I feel, has been so much better because I've had a full night sleep with no disturbances and I've not had the horrible routine of trying to get him up.

Without the pills he wakes up happy and jumps out of bed after 10 mins like anyone normally.

But they make him sane. They make him be able to function.

But I'm supposed to just be kicked the rest of my life all night because it makes him not suicidal I guess is the very core of the matter??!

I feel selfish because the way he's been the last few weeks has been really disturbing and distressing, he just hasn't coped without the pills.

But now I feel like that's it, he will never be off them and my life is going to be bad sleep and morning arguments.

I'm not asking for a solution. I'm just sad.

Sad for me. Sad for him.

He's a good man and it's these pills that make him a horrible grumpy morning person, which has been proven by the fact he's been great the last few weeks at waking up happy.

But I have to deal with that because what's the alternative? He's so upset and anxious he hurts himself without them??

OP posts:
pcod · 29/05/2023 02:38

Did he stop the antidepressants suddenly? if so he may have a better time if he weans himself slowly off them
I know from personal experience how awful the withdrawal from them can be when just stopped

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 02:44

pcod · 29/05/2023 02:38

Did he stop the antidepressants suddenly? if so he may have a better time if he weans himself slowly off them
I know from personal experience how awful the withdrawal from them can be when just stopped

No. We weaned off them over 5 years. Lowering the dose for months at a time with his Dr's help.

He was on the lowest dose for a long time then stopped them.

I just wish he would have given these other pulls a longer chance to kick in because they didn't have nay side effects.

He was on th lowest dose of the new ones. I can't help winder if the Dr started him out on a higher dose it might have helped quicker?

I was on the new pills myself but 4x higher dose for them to actually help.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 29/05/2023 03:11

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

I did too and had to leave to save my own sanity. And my son's.

No medicine was taken, I smoke, light weed.

Wishing you all the best.

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 03:17

That's how I'm feeling.

Like I can't actually do this again.

And it's making me so sad because the last 6 weeks have shown me that we can be really good together again and all the arguments are down to lack of sleep and sleep related issues.

But I can't expect him to live in a state of constant panic like he has been doing. I just wish I knew which pill would help his mind but not give him these side effects 😭

OP posts:
ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 03:19

He's given up weed. That was another issue but she's stopped smoking all together. Cigs too, which has made another really positive impact on our relationship.

I just don't know what I'm going to say tomorrow

But I have to tell him that immediately the kicking and shouting started an dive not slept because of it

OP posts:
SullysBabyMama · 29/05/2023 03:25

I had an ex partner with similar night issues, although his were not from side effects of anti-depressants but nightmares from a terrible childhood.
Still I couldn’t handle the lack of sleep from his shouting/fighting/bad attitude when I woke him.
I guess we could have done separate bedrooms but our home didn’t allow for that.

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 03:30

SullysBabyMama · 29/05/2023 03:25

I had an ex partner with similar night issues, although his were not from side effects of anti-depressants but nightmares from a terrible childhood.
Still I couldn’t handle the lack of sleep from his shouting/fighting/bad attitude when I woke him.
I guess we could have done separate bedrooms but our home didn’t allow for that.

Mine doesn't either. No spare room and our bedroom is too small for single beds.

And I don't want to live that way.

How can I say to him that I don't want you to go back on the pills that make you feel like you can function normally in the day time?

OP posts:
SullysBabyMama · 29/05/2023 03:40

How bad is he in the day without these meds? Would be be able to manage realistically weeks of living without the tablets while he builds up to a higher dose of the different meds? He is “just” anxious or having panic attacks?

Also weighing that up against the effects of the disordered sleep on your health?

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 07:57

SullysBabyMama · 29/05/2023 03:40

How bad is he in the day without these meds? Would be be able to manage realistically weeks of living without the tablets while he builds up to a higher dose of the different meds? He is “just” anxious or having panic attacks?

Also weighing that up against the effects of the disordered sleep on your health?

He was trying to.

Knot in his stomach constantly. Crying. Scared to drive. Scared to let kids do anything. Alot of emotions about his childhood and other personal losses taking up his thoughts. Wanting to sleep to take up the time.

I wanted him to wait and try and build up some new pill in his system but he found the old pills

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheGoose · 29/05/2023 08:15

Everything else aside, could you not sleep in separate beds?

junebirthdaygirl · 29/05/2023 08:27

Somewhere in the middle of all that you mention weed. Are some of his issues over the years due to weed. Is coming off that some of his problem.
It's very difficult for you. Could you decide not to waken him in the morning? If he has to go to work could he get a sick cert for a short while?
Could he take the meds earlier the previous night?
But if any of it was due to weed he would be out!!

SkunkAndNanci · 29/05/2023 13:09

In the 15 years he's been on antidepressants, has he ever had therapy to get to the root cause of his depression?

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 15:05

SkunkAndNanci · 29/05/2023 13:09

In the 15 years he's been on antidepressants, has he ever had therapy to get to the root cause of his depression?

Yes. He's had therapy courses several times.

OP posts:
SkunkAndNanci · 29/05/2023 15:06

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 15:05

Yes. He's had therapy courses several times.

Can I ask what type of therapy he had?

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 15:07

CBT therapy. Talking trauma therapy. And an intensive course with a psychiatrist.

OP posts:
Abergale · 29/05/2023 15:10

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 03:30

Mine doesn't either. No spare room and our bedroom is too small for single beds.

And I don't want to live that way.

How can I say to him that I don't want you to go back on the pills that make you feel like you can function normally in the day time?

Separate bedrooms is really not that drastic a solution compared to him being anxious or you not sleeping because he’s thrashing in his sleep.

SwitchDiver · 29/05/2023 15:19

YANBU at all, but there are more than 2 anti-depressants to choose from. There are literally dozens and psychiatrists can combine different ones to make a custom dosage for each patient. I’m on

  • fluoxetine for depression
  • mirtazapine for depression and to help my sleep
  • clonazapam for anxiety and panic

Now the thing is this is about the 11th or 12th combination I’ve been on. Many did not work, many had horrible side effects I could not live with (night sweats was one ), and even when you find a combination that works after a couple of years it seems to wear off and you need to try something else.

So, your DH should not take the old pills, should take the new ones and go back to the psychiatrist and say that it’s working for some things but not the anxiety. He hasn’t even scratched the surface of what is out there that can help him, there is no sense going to back to an old pill that creates bad sleep.

SwitchDiver · 29/05/2023 15:20

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 07:57

He was trying to.

Knot in his stomach constantly. Crying. Scared to drive. Scared to let kids do anything. Alot of emotions about his childhood and other personal losses taking up his thoughts. Wanting to sleep to take up the time.

I wanted him to wait and try and build up some new pill in his system but he found the old pills

He should have called his psychiatrist. When you are that poorly, waiting isn’t a good option.

Inthedeep · 29/05/2023 15:27

Has he tried EMDR? I’ve found it more helpful than CBT when it came to anxiety.

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 15:40

SwitchDiver · 29/05/2023 15:20

He should have called his psychiatrist. When you are that poorly, waiting isn’t a good option.

He doenst have one.

His therapy with the psychiatrist was years ago so he is no longer in contact with him

He's decided to carry on with the citalopram as he doenst want to deal with the bad dreams again (that's what causes him to lash out)

OP posts:
SwitchDiver · 29/05/2023 21:32

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 15:40

He doenst have one.

His therapy with the psychiatrist was years ago so he is no longer in contact with him

He's decided to carry on with the citalopram as he doenst want to deal with the bad dreams again (that's what causes him to lash out)

Well whichever doctor is managing his medication then. I am presuming he’s not ordering it online from the dark web and self-prescribing.

Spicypeanuts · 29/05/2023 21:36

If you don't have room for separate bedrooms - can he just sleep on the couch? Then you can re-evaluate when you catch up on your sleep?

ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 21:38

Spicypeanuts · 29/05/2023 21:36

If you don't have room for separate bedrooms - can he just sleep on the couch? Then you can re-evaluate when you catch up on your sleep?

Forever? Every night he's taken these pills he does this.

It's not a temporary thing that will die down after a week or 2. I've lived with this for years.

As my update said, he's going to the Dr's next week and he's going to continue to take the new (no side effects pills) as even he admitted the night back on the old pills was awful.

OP posts:
ExhaustedAlready · 29/05/2023 21:39

SwitchDiver · 29/05/2023 21:32

Well whichever doctor is managing his medication then. I am presuming he’s not ordering it online from the dark web and self-prescribing.

He's got an appointment prebooked for a weeks time, 2 weeks after starting the new pills.

OP posts:
80s · 29/05/2023 21:41

Triple bunk bed maybe, with a double bed at the bottom and a single bed at the top? Still noisy but less disturbing.