Bitter ex even though he left

[Junenearlyhere]

Just musing on this as I had to contact my exh about something, rare these days now dcs are older. He's been nasty to me since he left (for OW) well over a decade ago, and seems extraordinarily bitter. It's bizarre because he's far better off than me financially, has a partner and I don't and has no obvious reason at all to 'hate' me. I'd much rather be civil, which you'd think by now after all this time.

I've managed to get my act together, had counselling, kind of forgiven him as much as I ever will, helped by the fact life has been more peaceful without him. It was very painful at the time and did shatter my trust and self worth. But I'm okay now, life is good, dcs doing well. So what's with the never ending bitterness and nastiness from my ex, anyone else had to deal with similar?

He’s probably just jealous of the fact that you have moved on, are happy and managing and managing fine without him.
Me ex is the same, although in the end there was blame on both our parts and I was the one to leave but he’s still been a nasty, bitter, manipulative twat ever since.

A little bit like this, maybe more low key. Do you think maybe you weren't expected to get it all together and thrive, so not part of the plan? Nasty and very unreasonable though.

Also, I think that sometimes the grass isn't quite as green on the other side as they assumed it would be. That's another thing that somehow gets justified in a weird cognitive dissonance way as being 'your fault' IMHO. My XH is probably more unhappy than he ever was. Not new wife's fault, just his I think.

He’s bitter you didn’t wither and die without him and maybe his narrative of him being better off without you, hasn’t come to pass. Living your best life is always the best revenge, even if revenge isn’t the goal.

I'm in a scarily similar situation but main difference is it has been 8years.

First couple of years was very civil co-parenting and him making so much effort, feeling guilty etc etc then it switched overnight to complete hatred towards me and I've got no idea why (he had the affair and treated me shockingly, I was always very dignified considering).

I was get counselling at the time and out of the years of counselling my therapist said something I've never forgotten. She was second guessing based on my account obviously but her guess was:

First couple of years he felt extreme guilt and hated himself for what he'd done. His life was miserable. Then he had enough of feeling guilty and was ready to move on. The only way he could reconcile it in his mind is to blame someone else to ease the self hatred. Therefore, if he wanted to clear his conscience and be happy, he had to blame me. In order to blame me he had hate me and re-write history.

I'll never know how accurate that is but makes so much sense for the level of hatred he has towards me. Also coincided with him moving in with OW, buying a new house and stopping the "woe is me" routine - was like he'd had enough of feeling bad about his affair and what he'd done to our family

He’s bitter you didn’t wither and die without him and maybe his narrative of him being better off without you, hasn’t come to pass. Living your best life is always the best revenge, even if revenge isn’t the goal.

I suppose it's possible. At first I really didn't think I'd be able to cope without him (so take heart those whose dh has done this- it does get better) and perhaps he does resent that I am enjoying life though. But if so that's very sad really isn't it. I'd rather we were both happy.

Sorry you went through that holliebo that's a really interesting insight and I have wondered if he has to make out in his mind that I'm an especially terrible monstrous person and that's why he had the affair and left 2 small dcs as well, and over time he's convinced himself of that, and maybe the new partner. I'm always perfectly civil to him and there's no 'reason' for the behaviour. It's draining to be on the receiving end of that's for sure.

That's a good point SpongeBobJudgeyPants that maybe he's angry the grass isn't greener.

Thanks to everyone who has posted so far.

I don’t think it’s the grass. He thought you were the problem, meets new partner and finds
the same issues and maybe deep down realizes he was in fact the common denominator but by fueling his hate toward you he can deny that he’s the issue.

It could be a bit of the fact that he's jealous you're doing so well without him when he expected you to fall apart PLUS the fact that hating you helps his narrative that he's not a monster after all and that it's all your fault.

I think I really struggled as i had always been a complete people pleaser and cared too much what others think. While I knew I shouldn't care what my exH thought of me, it was the fact that one of the people who supposedly knew me best in the world suddenly thought I was the worst person ever. He also knew/knows the way to get to me is to criticise my parenting and make me feel like the worst mum ever, as that's the only opinion of his id care about

Have similar situation. ExH is bitter and nasty. Always trying to make things difficult. Bad mouths me to everyone.

He was cheating.

I think it’s a combination of things raised by other posters:

1- the grass isn’t always greener. He isn’t as happy as he thought he’d be. He’s possibly a bit jealous that you’re happier without him.

Somewhere it will have clicked that he is the problem, so rather than accept it, he’s trying to reinforce that it’s you.

2- they have to justify their actions. Apparently, it’s really difficult for men to admit ‘I was a dick’, forgive themselves and move on. If you’re the nasty and horrible one- he isn’t.

My ex is a bitter, woe-is-me martyr/victim who refuses to take responsibility for anything as that would ruin his narrative that he is a hero. He feels so hard done by, even though I tried for years and gave him beautiful children. Bitter, bitter man.

Excellent posts so far.

My judgy pants makes me think that the type of person who would leave a partner and very young children is a very particular type of scum.

I have met quite a few over my life and at their core they were supremely selfish fxxkers whom felt so entitled to what they want, and cared not a whit for who got caught in the collateral damage of it all.

They are at their core very vain people with a huge inflated opinion of themselves.

The idea of guilt for anything the have done utterly infuriates them and they cannot countenance it.

So while they have it, they will grapple with it deeply, and resent it.

Eventually they will change the narrative to suit themselves.

You remaining calm and moving on feeds their deluded narrative that only they have suffered and therefore this feeds their anger towards you.

It is extraordinary how these deeply flawed men can talk themselves round so they can feel good about their awful behaviour, particularly when young children are wounded in the process.

That's so interesting billy1966
It does seem my ex considers himself to be the 'hard done by one' which can be mind-boggling really. He is selfish. He resents that he's had to give money over too. In many ways he doesn't even act like having the dcs was anything to do with him, even though they were very much planned and wanted.

I think I really struggled as i had always been a complete people pleaser and cared too much what others think. While I knew I shouldn't care what my exH thought of me, it was the fact that one of the people who supposedly knew me best in the world suddenly thought I was the worst person ever.
Completely relate to this. It is upsetting, horrible really, to be on the receiving end of this treatment for years and years from somebody you once loved and trusted.

they have to justify their actions. Apparently, it’s really difficult for men to admit ‘I was a dick’, forgive themselves and move on. If you’re the nasty and horrible one- he isn’t
Yes I can imagine this. Sounds about right.

Thanks so much for all of these perspectives and sympathy to those who've also been through this.

I think men who have affairs are far more often often unhappy with themselves than with their wives/partners. If that's the case, why would a new woman help with that in the long term? They still have their unhappy selves to contend with, unless they understand and address the root causes.

Perhaps he's just an unhappy, bitter sort of person? Sounds like you didn't know the real him when you were together, so he could be anything.

Oh the irony of it all he is the one who left you and yet he is bitter?! I would have understood if he was bitter because you had done him wrong or deceived him but he is the one who cheated on you and left you for another woman and yet he is bitter.. My advice would be just to ignore him and focus on yourself

I'll offer an alternative suggestion.

For the first few years he was happy because he thought you were miserable and lost without him and that stroked his narcissistic ego.

When you started healing (or trying to via therapy) he realised his hold over you was slipping. He always thought of you as his toy that he had just put down in order to play with the other woman toy instead. But that would wait in the closet for him indefinitely.

But you dared to develop autonomy through self love, and get up and walk away. And how dare a toy get over him‽! In his mind - You don't get to decide to do that! You're an inanimate object. How dare you!
(Hense his rage)

You talk of his woe is me routine too. This us another common trait of narcissists (npd) and similar (the whole world is against them, no one understands them etc...)

My bet would be it has nothing to do with guilt. But that he lacks empathy. He sees himself as the victim because everyone else is an inanimate object that has no right to feelings, choices or needs that do not in some way, benefit him. Likely suffering from a cluster b personality disorder of some sort (there's plenty to choose from but npd or bpd could be possible).

He may also be bored with his current partner. BecaUse his sort are rarely happy for long. They always think they deserve more, better, something else, something that someone else has.

I think we complicate things too much by talking about shame and guilt and bla bla bla. The truth is - some people are just nasty. Shame and guilt might explain the odd angry outburst. A shoet time where they treat you crappy due to their own inner struggles. But he's a grown man acting like he hates you, for years. He's just mental. Imo.

Men who cheat quite often hate to see us happy they seem to believe that we will forgive them firstly then when we have done that, we will beg them to come home then when they are home they will continue to bask in their manliness. My EH who cheated for 2 years before I found out. Couldn’t understand why I walked away taking our daughters with me. He told me that we would be nothing without him. Well that came out to be very very wrong. He is also a very very bitter man.

My friend experienced this. Her husband cheated and left (even though she was willing to forgive him). Did/paid the bare minimum for the kids after that. He loved to style himself as this fantastic nice guy with a great moral compass. But underneath he was a total narcissist addicted to adulation and had simply got bored of his wife and family life and was happy to dispose of them and walk away. He rewrote history to make out my friend as a nasty conniving person who'd trapped him and mentally abused him. It was the only way he could keep his image as he was then the "victim". Even now nearly 10 years later his utter vitriol towards her is shocking. He now has mostly an entirely new group of friends who never knew her and they probably believe every word.

He hates you because every time he sees you you are reminder of the fact that he is not the nice, legal, wondrous family guy he likes to portray himself as, even to himself.

I don't really care how much mine hates me anymore we are 8 years in and he's still going strong. The fallout from his affair was hideous and me and the kids ended up homeless the list of his mis deeds goes on & on. I'm pretty certain I need to be his bad guy as he was dead against affairs as his own father had so many. The sad part is that he hates his own kids because his hatred for me was so huge it's even projected onto them.

This. Mine didn’t have an affair but he was abusive. He dragged me through the courts endlessly and cost me nearly £100 K.

I ended up with
lovely job
two great kids
a beautiful safe home full of fun andaughter
a judge that let me relocate across the country away from him
he doesn’t see the eldest sees youngest 7 times a year

he lost all our mutual friends respect
he lives alone
he is free to cycle as much as he wants (he’s addicted)
he has two cycling friends
he is alone
he has family but they all live miles away
he remains sad and lonely

he was so abusive and many times during the last decade he has asked me to go back - I give him a eyebrow lift look 👀

the main upshot is I know he is abusive and he’s not being paranoid or a having a new baby
I know his family is abusive

I don’t have to deal with them whereas he lost his chance to escape

youngest is now standing up for himself and saying ‘no’ to him as he has good emotional boundaries

he is sad and alone

the problem is him and every time he sees you he is reminded of this

but OP try to distant yourself as much as you can and be extra civil and kind without letting him walk over you.

This is such a good thread and seemingly, we were all married to the same man!

My exh had an affair and suddenly I was the bad one! He even wrote to my mother to tell her he'd been unhappy with me for 10 years (first I'd heard of it!) and said 'you know what SHE can be like!'. We are still bemused to this day about what he meant.

The more bitter he got, the more ridiculous the re-writing of history became. He was SO miserable on our wedding day, 28 years ago (photos tell a different story). He resented me not taking our son to the cinema on a random Sunday back in 2004. My body wasn't the same as when we met (I was 21 and this affair came to light when I was 46!). He hated my friend (always had apparently?). He never wanted sex with me as he didn't want anymore children (we had sex and I was on the pill!).

He's now miserable as hell, has two new children (he's heading towards 60) and spends his weekends at play parks, Peppa Pig land and living off takeaway pizzas as his wife can't cook.

I chuckle to myself daily.......

I think it's that they have to make you the bad guy otherwise they have to see themselves for what they are. Lying, cheating, disloyal wankers.

In order to protect their self image, they act like you have wronged them. Eventually many come to actually believe it.

I will come back to this thread later if that’s ok. It really resonates.